What's the best way to keep a toddler from hitting?

Question

Timeouts don't work. Spanking? Of course not. Saying, "We don't hit. Hitting hurts" has no effect at all. Pushing him away and saying, "I won't pick you up when you hit" seems to make it worse.

Our toddler is generally friendly and good-natured, he just seems to lack impulse control and can be aggressive. We've read every theory we can find and listened to tons of advice but had no luck.

Help! I am getting the tar beat out of me by a two-year-old!

Answer 1

Well, you hit the answer right on the head... he lacks impulse control and is TWO! : ) While this is typical two behavior, I know it is not something you want to promote. You've been doing great making your expectations known- "We don't hit. Hitting hurts."- which is great! Another member already mentioned one of my ideas- walk out of the room while saying you don't like hitting- but also try giving him something that he CAN hit. Have a special pillow or other soft object (not something that looks like a person or animal though- you don't want to inadvertantly send the message that it is ok to hit those) that he is allowed to hit when angry. Sometimes toddlers really do need to be able to get out some of their aggression. Since they lack the verbal skills to be able to tell someone when something is bothering, angering or upsetting them, they need some kind of outlet. You can also try giving some "heavy" work for him to do... pulling the wagon full of groceries, pushing the wall down (this is a game in which the child tries to "push the wall down" by putting their hands on the wall and pushing as hard as they can. It gets out a lot of excess energy and aggression), basically anything he can push or pull that has resistance to it to exert energy. Also, is he tired when he starts to hit? Some toddlers get really frustrated when it is near naptime or bedtime, and are just plain tuckered out. Last thing... make sure to note and mention to your child whenever he is NOT hitting. This is important. You want to "catch your child being good" and reinforce it. "I like how you shared with Tommy, and didn't hit when he took your toy!" or "I like how you talked to mommy and didn't hit me." At first, try to do this all the time.... it will seem like it is every other second, but this is to get the focus off the negative behavior (hitting) and put the focus on the positive (not hitting). The more emphasis you put on the positive, the quicker the results will be. Good luck!

Answer 2

I'll bet Dr. Phil would really have good insight into this . I'm just a Gramma and I say he's looking for your undivided attention. Try blocking the hits of course(and no hitting back, please), but better yet try to distance your self from him. Say "I can't be near someone who hits". And at home where he is safe, walk away and ignore him. Ask him "What do you want?" Tell him"This is not how I want to be treated by you or anyone".and go into the next room. See what his reaction is. Does he hit others, your spouse, friends? A question for you Mom where is he being exposed to hitting? Daycare ,TV ? Is this his way of controlling your attention. With some kids negative attention is better than no attention at all. If all else fails talk to your pediatrician, could he have a food allergy that irritates his brain and causes irritability and aggression? Keep trying and don't give up. Hope this helps a little.

Answer 3

I had the same problem, and it has improved a great deal - but I think that is just due to her age, although my daughter still has her moments. But it is better.

I figured out what would trigger her behavior and would keep a close eye on her in playgroups. Alot of times I was right there behind her and when I could, I would catch her arm right before and just say no and told her if she does it again we are leaving. Sometimes it worked and we would be good for a few weeks, but for whatever reason it would just start up again.

But what I found really did the trick was telling her beforehand she was not to put her hands on anyone. Then, periodically during play dates if I saw she was going to strike, I would remind her not to put her hands on him/her. For whatever reason, telling her that seemed to work the best.

Answer 4

I know it hard, but if he is getting a rise out of you (lots of emotion), then it is working for him. There are several things you can do...

1 - instead of giving him a time-out, take a favorite toy away and keep it in a high, but visible spot for a day, so he is reminded of what he lost...

2 - If you are doing something fun, then this is punishment for mom and child, but it is time to go home. As soon as you are hit, get up, tell your friends and his friends you have to leave because you are being hit, and then go home. Sometimes an immediate and serious removal of privilege with no other show of emotion will help.

3 - Ask him - "are you trying to get my attention? I would be happy to give you attention if you give me a hug or a love tap instead of hitting me..." Giving the child alternative ways to get your attention could help...

Answer 5

You are doing the right thing with the time-outs. You say they don't work, but keep at it. He's doing it for attention, if normally he is good-natured. He doesn't lack impulse control, he's being a 2-yr old and pushing buttons. Keep up with the consistent discipline, and don't EVER let him away with it. Also, make sure he apologizes. He is allowed to say "You made me angry", but make sure he realizes that hitting is not the way to handle his anger, and that he is sorry for the wrong act that HE did. Try to instill a better way of dealing with his anger, ie with words, not hands, BEFORE he starts hitting. You can talk to him about feelings and how to deal with them BEFORE he does it, for example in a quiet moment, and this will start to sink in after a while. You can talk to him about his feelings when he is calm, but in the moment you really have to be firm and consistent. It sounds like you are really trying, and I commend you warmly!!! Keep up the good work!!!!!

Answer 6

Is he walking up to you and hitting, or is he sitting on your lap and hitting? My daughter would do that when I had her in my lap when she was going through the Terrible Twos. I would just set her down and tell her 'hitting is not nice. Mommy doesn't want to be around you when you hit.' and leave her to herself for five or ten minutes. Eventually she figured out that Mommy goes away when she hits Mommy. She quit after a while, and she's been great ever since.

Answer 7

Just put up your guard like Rocky did in the movie with the old man that started to hit him. Turn it into a fun situation and another opportunity to love him. He'll soon grow out of it, be patient.

Answer 8

never spank him..look hes doing it for a reason hes getting exausted real soon because the thing is he dont your behaviour towards him look love him so much that he feel guilt when he hit..when he hit dont make a eye contact with him put him in a place where he cant hurt himself and leave and dont talk to him when he scream out tell him that to promise that he wont hit again and when he promise you that he wont hit love him with big hugs and kisses...this is also a stage of childhood handle it with love evrything is gonna be fine..and play different types of games with him like tickling games so he stay happy evrytime..if you will stay happy he will stay happy.

Answer 9

my boys have a goodies bag and every day at lunch and dinner they get a goodie lunch and dinner unless of course they get in trouble in any way for example hitting would mean no goodies at both meals and if they do it more than once they don't get them for a week and it goes like that every time another week but after a certain time you make them sit on the chair in the kitchen next yu for example while you cooking and watch him and of course just tell him if he gets up he will never get a goody

Answer 10

Some times you just have to let him get hit by one of his peers. Kids don't understand the idea that it hurts until they feel it for themselves. When it's you, that's harder. I'm a firm believer that spanking does not "teach" kids to hit. And, it is not abuse! You may have to give him a swat on the butt to stop it.