FOR MOMMIES: What shall I do with my son (an only child, 4-year old) who cries for mommy at school?

Question

My son (an only child) started school last Tuesday (Senior Kindergarten). I was allowed by the teacher to stay with him in the classroom for three days. Each time I try to leave him, he would cry a lot. It breaks my heart to see him cry. He's my baby. But I have to leave him with the teacher. Could the mommies out there give me some pointers about separation anxiety. When he cries, I feel like crying also and it hurts me to leave him in school but I need to. My son grew up to be overprotected (our fault) and all attention was centered on him. We had two househelps who were there to assist him in every way. He didn't have any playmates. He has no cousins his age (all in the university). Tomorrow is his fourth day in school. The teacher told me to leave him tomorrow and they'll call me if he doesn't stop crying or if he vomits. What shall I do? Is crying, tantrums, vomitting really part of this kindergarten separation anxiety? What is the best approach? Thank you.

Answer 1

Well I'm not a mommy yet but I am an experienced preschool teacher so I am very familiar with separation anxiety issues. First off I know you will have a hard time with this but it is ESSENTIAL for his adjustment to school. You need to take him to school and drop him off without lingering around. If you keep responding to his crying by coming back to him then he will continue to cry because he knows it will make you come back. When you drop him off say "Goodbye, I love you." and add that you will be back and around what time ( such as; after lunch or after playtime, etc.). After your quick goodbye walk out and don't look back whether he's crying or not. He will begin to understand that when you leave he stays and has fun and then you come back and get him. This predictability will help him adjust quickly and help him trust you as well. You must not waver with this as hard as it will be at first or he will learn that throwing a fit controls and upsets you and he will continue to do it.

Answer 2

Well this is definitely normal behavior for a child left in an unfamiliar environment. As hard as it is now, he will eventually get used to it. My son was in a day care from the time he was 10 months old and still at 3 years old he occasionally had periods where he would cry when I left. The teachers later told me it lasted only a few moments and then he was distracted by his friends or some activity.
He's now in kindergarten and couldn't leave my side fast enough! What I did was talk to him about it and prepare him for what to expect. All summer, he knew the first day of school was coming and by the time it came, it was no big deal. All kids are different, but be reassured that you're not harming him emotionally and he will get used to you leaving.

Answer 3

Yes, he is much too old to be acting this way. Just let him know that you aren't going anywhere but home, and that you are going to be back within a few hours. Get him a nice back-pack with his favorite cartoon character on it, buy him some clothes with the same thing on it. Tell him that he will have lots of fun at kindergarten, and that he will make lots of play mates. When you come to pick him up at the end of the day, give him a big hug and kiss, and perhaps even a piece of candy, and let him know how happy you are to be his mom, and how proud you are that he is being a big boy at school. Don't baby him anymore, and don't give in to the crying. Just let him know that he is loved and that there is nothing to be sad about. Hope I could help :)

Answer 4

I have had the same problem with our 4 year old daughter. She is our only one and she started Pre Kindergarten a few weeks ago and we went through all the crying, vomiting, etc also. Now, as much as it hurt at the start for me too, I bring her in, she starts crying, by the time I walk to the door, she is no longer crying. The teachers know how to handle it....trust me! It will take a few weeks at the most then it will get better....promise!

Answer 5

I think logically you already know the answer to this, don't you?

It is not healthy for your son to continue this pattern of social isolation and over-dependence on his mother. He will not mature into a man with acceptable levels of autonomy, self-responsibility, and social skills to be a happy, well-adjusted adult who forms healthy relationships all his life. Do you really want your son to grow up to be needy, self-centered, lonely and miserable?

If not, toughen up and start behaving with some self-discipline. Leave him with the teachers, they know their job. His crying will pass quickly as soon as he realizes that mommy will not cave in and come running. He will adjust just fine, and will start enjoying this amazing new world of school and friends, and it will lead to him exploring and challenging his boundaries more and more as a normal child should. But... that's what you really fear the most, isn't it? You are going to have to accept that the problem..... is YOU. Go find yourself a job, a hobby, or some community service work to fill your time while he is in school, so you stop living for him and vacariously through him. This is not a healthy situation for you either. I think mommy is the one who needs help with separation anxiety... some therapy, perhaps?

Answer 6

First off...I can't believe that the teacher allowed you to stay there with him. My son did this too, but I found it best to leave him. It is probably, harder on you then him. Make ur good byes short and sweet with him. My son didn't have many friends either when he started school. I would try my best to make it exciting for him. Maybe he can bring something special for his teacher or the class. Like a snack or something to share. Use whatever you can to get him there. Tell him ahead of time that you will be leaving and you will see him in a little while. I did this when my son started Kindergarten. I made smiley faces on his thumbs with a marker and I did it to mine too. I told him that they were special that only him and mommy had them. When he missed me at school to look at his thumbs. You could give him something special of yours to keep in his pocket. I did that too. All I can say is it is worse on you then him. kids adapt well to change quickly, you are just going to have to be strong with him. My son had this problem until first grade. Every year I just make something special...like the smiley, thumbs! Good Luck! Remember you have to be tough! Short and sweet goodbyes to him at school!

Answer 7

That is tough! My son never had that problem maybe because when he was even younger we left him at grandmas or a sitter a few times a week. If you have not done that he will have to go through this anxiety for a while. It is best to just be firm and tell him big boys have to go to school. Take him and leave very quickly. Don't make a big ordeal of it or show your indecision. He will pick up on it. After a few days he will be just fine!

Answer 8

Hmm, give him a cellphone and your phone number, or your photo for his teacher to issue as required. When he gets home don't make a big deal about "we're together now" it only increases separation anxiety. Learn his classmate's or teacher name(s) and ask him how he/she/they are doing each day. "What did you do fun in school today, son?" In a few years, leaving elementary school will be just as traumatic. Isn't the proper age for Kindergarten at least Five (5 years old?)

Answer 9

Its really hard but you HAVE to walk away. In the long run you will be doing him a favour as he has to go to school. The teachers will know how to deal with it, I promise.

Talk about things on the way there, along with things that he does and likes doing whilst he's there. Try to explain what will happen without making to much of a deal about it Don't let him see you are anxious. You may like to say where you will be, what you have to do and what time you will be back to collect him.

It may help to give them a small hanky or something, perhaps with your perfume on. He can keep it in his pocket for reassurance. Or even a small note with kisses on.

Its hard but things will get better, as long as you can walk away. Cruel to be kind. Good luck :o)

Answer 10

I don't think it is apart of kindergarten anxiety. No hard feelings, but the kid is spoiled rotten. It is your fault for shelter him, and now it is going to be your fault what his future holds. You need to allow him to become more indepentdent and quit babying him. My daughter is 5. She was ready for school. I had the problem with leaving her with her crying back in day car days. I can't tell you exactly what to do, but you need to do it quick or else you will be sorry. don't go back in class with him either. That is making it worse. You will be upset when he comes home crying saying the other kids are teasing him. Real talk!