My boyfriend does not know how to handle my depression...?

Question

I havn't worked in a while, meaning a full-time day job. I work on the weekends at a bar as a bartender. I'm always trying to find a job and I always seem to fail. He is nothing but negative to me and gave me a deadline to find a full-time/ part time job w/ good pay. (sine I do have 2 degrees) The thing is my depression kicks in and I fall back and get discouraged that I dont bother.....He says very hard things I guess to motivate me...it hurts and he knows that. ....Is it just tough love, I mean there is no name calling or nothing just I need to do something with myself and that im bringing him down. HELP

Answer 1

its obvious he loves you and wants you motivated.

not trying to be mean but get up, put your depression down. its hard i know, i had to do it too.

Attitude is a HUGE factor. sometimes you just have to say to yourself its a great fricken day and Im going to PROVE it by doing all i can.

Answer 2

You have got two things going right now. Seperate them and look at them.

One, you need or want a job. This is something that you seem to be doing for yourself, but I could be wrong. If this is something you desire just keep after it. I have seen close people to me go through the same feelings of depression and lack of self-worth based on their expectations and deadlines. However, when dealing with finding a job, it does take time to find the right one. If you just go get any old job you will be doing yourself a dis-service because you will end up quiting and starting the search again. And instead of just getting a job, keep the one you've got. It doesn't hurt to take your time. After one full year of unemployment my sister found her dream job with expedia. Now she is in heaven, working and being paid big money, oh yeah and travelling the world. My point: keep trying and keep focused. It takes time.

Two, a boyfriend who is not fulfilling your needs. This is common, unfortunately. Not just boyfriends but people in general will try to motivate others by means that would motivate them. This doesn't work. Also keep in mind, he may not be the person that you are happiest with, just comfortable with. Trust me. I am married and know that I have tried to motivate my wife with the wrong words. I had to read several books and do much self analyzation to come to the reality that the world (and people) around me doesn't need or want what I want. The trick here is getting him to listen to you. If you explain clearly that what he is doing doesn't help you but hurts you, he will need to change his behavior.

This may or may not help. I hope it does.

Answer 3

You have to tell him that the type of motivation he is trying to give you is not what you respond to. It has the opposite effect. I completely understand, I have suffered from depression. Those who push hard, end up tearing down what little self esteem is left. Tell him straight and simple, he needs to back off and take the supportive role. If he can't be that type of person for you, then you would have to consider if you two are well suited for the long run. Depression is something you may battle forever, and with someone making it worse, you will not ever be happy. Continue to seek the help for your depression you are seeking, and work towards small goals at a time. You can get out of this rut.

Answer 4

Are you getting help for your depression? I have chronic depression and I understand about the job thing. Even though I have been to counseling (which did help a lot) and am now on an appropriate medication (Prozac is not a cure all and not always the answer) I have a hard time working in a real structured environment. I do well at things I can come and go at as I choose. I substitute teach a lot. Temp work is usually O.K. too.

As for your boyfriend, get "Depression for Dummies". Really! It is a great book for you and anyone you're around on a regular basis.

Answer 5

Hi girl.I know the feeling. I am 23,with 2 degrees also. Havent had any luck finding a job and work at a min wage(but stress free job)that I love, but he keeps saying we wont have "anything" unless i get a "real job" heck some ppl dont work...they should just be glad we are even trying to work....but my hubby rides me about it and it makes my panic attacks and anxiety worse. I have never had a "deadline" but lol you could always lie and say you went to an "interview" and then they "never called you back" if your happy where your at stay there!!!That is what I have thought about doing mysel!!!

good luck

ps men are crazy

Answer 6

He should stick by your side... If you mean enough to him he will. BUT you have to put in some effort as well like actively seeking treatment. Depression does bring others down when they are involved it doesnt just effect the person who has it, it effects those who are closest to the person who is suffering the most. You should get some good help so you no longer have to feel that way #1 and #2 one can only deal with it for so long.

Answer 7

I had a similar situation when I suffered with post-partum depression after my last pregnancy. My husband's reaction was very similar to your boyfriend's. It ended up that his reaction was due to a combination of lack of education about depression and fear that something bad would happen to me if I didn't improve.
A lot of the public is uneducated about the reality of depression. Many who are close to those with depression believe that it isn't a true illness, that it is caused by something lacking in the depressed person. They may even think that they can get you to "snap out of it" To someone who is truly depressed (which it seems that you are) nothing they do is going to help you. You need to help yourself. I would advise that you seek out a therapist (if only just to talk) right away. If you are below certain income guidlines, you can receive low cost treatment through your state or county. Contact your local Mental Health Department. It will be listed in the phone book. If needed, you may be able to receive medicine at little or no cost to you. For help purchasing medication if you don't have insurance, check out People's Prescription Plan.
As for your boyfriend, try to educate him. There are many excellent websites where you can print out information for him or he can look at it himself. I have listed some of these in my "sources" section for your convenience. Important to note though---If he seems uninterested in reading about your depression and shows no interest in understanding it, then you may want to seriously consider splitting from him. By the way, a deadline to find a job is not going to help. Treating your depression is the only way you are going to improve. I hope that this helps you.
**Don't give up. It does get better**

Answer 8

He doesnt sound very supportive. I think the worst thing for ppl with depression is the idea that they can just "snap out of it" . I believe ppl who say that do not have a clue as to how devasting an illness it can be. Try to tell him that it isnt helping you for him to put even more pressure on you. Explain to him that you put enough pressure on yourself and what you need from him is support.

And please try to do some exercise, as much as u might not feel like doing it...it has some of the same benefits as an anti-depressant. Also see ur doctor to discuss taking meds, if you arent already.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 9

It sounds like tough love to me. And while your relationship may not be salvagable, I think it's worth another shot if you really love him. To address your original question, I don't think it's fair of you to keep putting your depression on him and making him deal with it. Depression is serious stuff, and you need to find the way to get better by yourself. Maybe counseling will help. Maybe drug therapy. . . I'm not sure what your situation is. You should get evaluated by someone who can help you, though.

Your boyfriend probably just misses the person you were when he met you. If that person was good, you should try to address your depression and save your relationship. If the person you were when he met you wasn't good (ie. you were a drug user and now you're clean but depressed and he liked you better on drugs, or anything like that) then you need to cut him loose and then find help.

Answer 10

I know what it is like to go through that. I am on Paxil and it is a miracle worker. Some days would be good and then I'd wake up one morning and just feel like sh*t. I would down myself about everything. Go see your doctor about getting on medicine. 2 weeks later you will feel great. Your b/f may think it is tough love but he needs to understand that this is a mental thing and you cant just shut it off. I had a b/f to say 'just dont think about it'. I was like, yeah right! I wish I couldnt but you sometimes cant control your thinking or your hormones. Sit down with him and tell him that you want his support in whatever (help) decision you make. If he has a problem, take some time apart to help yourself. Good luck!

Answer 11

speak to your bf and tell him everything you told us... that u r deppressed and he should understand you, I suffer from deppressions since the age of 15 and i have always had problems in relations because of this, so I know that its easier say than do but try talking to him. about the job you seem educated. try to look for something even if you dont have the strengh or the will power, youmight up finding a fun job that you like and if thing go well maybe things will start falling into place for you slowly and before you know it youll be stronger and happier... give it a shot!! good luck!