Hubby w/4 kids from marriage #1 & no green card until I married him. Me--12 yrs younger, no kids, nvr married. They/him were from impoverished country. I agreed to sponsor kids to live w/us in USA. 3 yrs of paperwork, attorneys & mtgs. w/INS finally got apvd. Kids arrived in the USA on 05/06. Ages 14, 18, 21 are male & a 10 yr old girl. Due to language barrier, we decided 2 yrs ago that he would handle discipline/behavioral issues. For yrs he 'd bragged, “American kids are disrespectful of adults, spoiled & lazy. My kids are nice & well-behaved.” He said tell him ASAP of any/all problems w/kids & he’d “handle it immediately”. Well these kids are mannerless, manipulative, interrupt CONSTANTLY, question everything I say, give me silent trtmt. over having to do homework, talk over me in French, expect to be waited on by me--Just a FEW examples. If I tell my hus. he says, "You are lying!" or "I can't do anything about it." He refuses counseling & I have no $$ to leave. Suggestions Please?
2006-09-07 02:07:44 · 20 answers · asked by Kaitlyn 2 in Politics & Government ➔ Immigration
To: TECHX69
To the contrary! I not only "liked" but deeply appreciated all of the replies I got earlier about this question. I loved what you said particularly "Those kids are trying to pigeon hole you into being the "wicked" stepmom....don't play." I thought that was very wise advice. I replaced my question under Immigration not because I "didn't like" the earlier replies. That's impossible, b/c everyone was supportive. I just started thinking that I perhaps was more appropriate to get input from people who may know a thing or two about Immigration.
2006-09-07 02:24:01 · update #1
practicalwizard:
I had been feeling kinda down then I read your post and burst into hysterical laughter. Are you with the circus? You are hilarious. Wait...OMG I just thought of something really creepy...you aren't one of those people that is "unintentionally idiotic" are you? I work with a guy like that. He tries to give people advice like yours...about putting guns to 10 yr olds heads and so on...he's the office joke but HE has no idea that. Hope that's not you. That would make you the one in need of answers.
To the individual(s) bent out of shape that I asked this question in a different category...read what I said to TECH or maybe you need to read what I just said to "praticalwizard" it may be more on your level.
BTW my deepest thanks go to everyone who is giving sincere, helpful ANSWERS since that is the premise of this website. To those of you who give snotty, hostile or idiotic input that you would never have the intestinal fortitude to give to me in real life face to f
2006-09-07 02:40:39 · update #2
nel11:
OMG falling in love and marrying someone who appears to be something that they are not is now ILLEGAL?!!!??!! When did this happen? I missed that office memo...was it on CNN or something? OMG...how much time do women get for falling in love with as*h**es Ne11??!! Tell me!!
2006-09-07 02:46:09 · update #3
Mona:
Thanks for your input it came across as heartfelt and sincere and kind as many other people here are. But I do need to mention to you that just because they SPEAK French does not mean that they ARE French...k? I did say they were from an inpoverished country. Last time I checked France and "inpoverished country" were never spoken in the same sentence.
2006-09-07 02:50:56 · update #4
Antmanbe:
I think if one mixes sincere compassion for the suffering of others, with a big hear that aches when it sees people stuck in a country that has NO healthcare of any kind, hunger and disease, where children have never seen a doctor before and are in pain daily from common ailments that we never have to deal with and mix that with, a pinch of naiveté, mix that with both parents dead before age 15, and a suicide attempt do to those loses and a dash of low self esteem you have the recipe for "why" I did "that". Thank you for making me think in depth about why I chose to try to help these people.
2006-09-07 02:58:51 · update #5
"Someone":
I loved what you said and I think you are correct about most of it. Particularly when you said “when someone you look up to in life refuses to believe you and understand your plight, its time for you to take action on your own" that was so profoundly true that I felt tears streaming down my face upon reading it. I think that is the most painful part of this. He has called me a "liar"....he has told me that he can do "nothing" about the pain that is caused to me. That is the ultimate slap in the face. I know I have to somehow leave this situation. Thank you so much for you sincere and honest input.
2006-09-07 03:19:10 · update #6
Origchick: Thanks for you input. I know that you would never ever be so unwise as to fall for the charms of a seemingly loving man. I realize that only I am the kind of female dolt that would consider falling for the tearful confessions of love from a handsome suitor, who speaks several languages and who also purches a huge diamond ring and RAV4 Jeep for me that he purchased for me. I know that YOU would never ever in a million years have liked any of those things. I am but a simple creature. I realize this. Sarcasm aside I must admit your points became crystal clear when you said, "they don't seem grateful at all and you let them take advantage of you. get rid of them. if this husband is so great at raising perfect kids let him do it by himself. i'd rather be poor and happy than poor and miserable." That input was in my opinon right target and REALLY got my attention! Thank you for that!
2006-09-07 03:25:55 · update #7
You have been naive. When there is an army of 5 against you alone, do you stand a chance for peace? You dont have any $$ now but you did have before he used you for his convenience. Now you have to start building your resources again. Your mistake is indeed horrible but you were only being generous to the wrong person. You need to turn them out of your house NOW. When someone you look up to in life refuses to believe you and understand your plight, its time for you to take action on your own. You read your question as if you are somebody else. You will see that they are a team and you are alone. Take whatever action you need to take. Just do it and liberate yourself immediately. Good luck
2006-09-07 02:20:47 · answer #1 · answered by someone 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Start recording on your camcorder OR get one of those really small ones that you can hide, show it to the husband. Or even a small tape player and play it back for him. And you are an adult and their step mother, they need to show you respect. (whether they like it or not)
1. STOP waiting on them (they are old enough to do for themselves!!)
2.When they interrupt IGNORE them, they will soon get the hint, if need be point out to them that it is rude to interrupt. (seriously ignore them, when you are done with the 1st conversation then turn to them and let them know why you ignored them...)
3. They don't want to do their homework? Don't force them to do it, let it go. Once those report cards start coming in and parent teacher conferences begin where it becomes apparent that they aren't doing their work, then your husband will have something to say. (if the kids want to dig their own hole let them)
4. Your husband should NOT be calling you a liar!!
5. NO money to leave.....start keeping some money set aside JUST for YOU, do NOT let him or anyone know about it. When you go shopping keep $20 set aside, open an account or keep at a trusted family members house. ( do not keep account statements in house, maybe even get a PO box)
6. I really think it's time to have a serious sit down with your husband, you should NOT be treated like this at all !!
Not to offend you, but are you sure he didn't marry you for papers??
AND if you are going to leave, the sooner the better. You say you don't have kids (biological), it would be easier for you to get out of the situation. and if you do leave do they lose their sponsorship?? You could always use that for the upper hand??
Good Luck with whatever you decide.
2006-09-07 02:26:56 · answer #2 · answered by Hold em Rox 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Is he a citizen yet? Are his kids? If the answer is no to either of these then divorce him to teach them a lesson. You already know you are being used. Show them that you are not the weak person who they thought they can leech off of and take advantage of. Do it ASAP. Cause when he gets his citizenship it sounds like he will be gone the next day. He sounds like a piece of **** scam artist and you sound way too nice to be mixed up with that kind of guy. Find a guy who will love you, believe every thing you say, and worship the ground you walk on. Don't settle for less. If you never find true love your life will truly never be COMPLETE. When you leave him he will probably try to pull his little scams on you, baby I love you I will change. But you've already seen his TRUE colors. Show him How AMERICAN WOMEN do things. We are the strongest most independent women in the world.We have freedom so no man can F*ck with us!!!!
2006-09-07 03:10:54 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I can help you get rid of two of them. The 18 and 21 year old can be asked to leave even if your husband doesn't agree. If he doesn't believe that call the police and show him. Then stop waiting on the other ones. They won't respect you no matter what you do or don't do anyway. In the mean time save your money and file for divorce. If you don't have a job get one because you are not getting paid to take their crap.
2006-09-07 02:35:27 · answer #4 · answered by DJ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A pinch of naivette is good sweetheart and there is no cause for regrets. You did what you did because you are a good person, if you're planning on sending them back, that would likely amount to wasted years considering the years (or amount of time anyway) that you have put into that immigrant family. There could only be an option of moving on, but I never subscribe to or endorse divorce. I hope I have helped at all. I wish you good luck with your decision and your actions.
2006-09-07 03:19:02 · answer #5 · answered by Concoction 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, what you did is illegal, but if you have no money, contact Legal Aid and file for divorce.
You are part of the problem here so I don't know if the court will look kindly on your actions. You went into this situation without checking the facts. Your blind trust got you into a legal mess.
Didn't your husband exhibit control issues before you got married. It sounds as though he just used you to get his green card and visas for his children.
Good luck this is going to be a long, ugly fight.
2006-09-07 02:17:23 · answer #6 · answered by ne11 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He is here and so are they . So what can you do well divorce him and leave him or them. It is not against the law to fall in love with some one from another country. but the penalty is a life of living hell. You say you have no money. So what do you have now? Looks like you have tried almost everything. But leaving them make him pay alimony to you. Go to shelter that helps women. Tell them to F.U.C.K . OFF. and do nothing for them, do not clean their rooms. wash clothes for them or cook for them also. Live in your world in that same house until they decide to come to your world. Give them the same treatment they give you. and see how they like it. Or again just leave.
2006-09-07 03:15:11 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
you want to know what i would do? well i never would've got involved with them in the first place but now that it's too late i'd leave them and get on with my life. seriously...... they are like a ball and chain for you. they don't seem grateful at all and you let them take advantage of you. get rid of them. if this husband is so great at raising perfect kids let him do it by himself. i'd rather be poor and happy than poor and miserable.
2006-09-07 02:17:54 · answer #8 · answered by origchick 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
D I V O R C E.
Live in a damn shelter if you have to.
You don't have kids and you sponsored guy with 4 kids?
WHY?
If somebody told me they were even considering such a thing I would suggest they were insane.
Why did you do such a thing?
That is desperate.
2006-09-07 02:23:42 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Make him leave with his family, don't give up the house. Tell him plain and simply that they disrespect you and you won't tolerate it. You are a perfect example of someone using someone to get citizenship. I really wish I could help but I don't know the answer to this one.
2006-09-07 02:12:10 · answer #10 · answered by 51ain'tbad 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋