How do you break free of loaning money to your grown kids?

Question

If I stop loaning them money, one will drop out of college and the other won't be able to buy groceries for her two babies. I have a lot of medical bills and I am going broke, because they never pay me back. How can I stop worrying about them and loaning them money?

Yes, my daughter works full-time and over-time. The father is not working, but at least babysits. My health will not allow me to babysit. She is on WIC, I'll tell her about the other aid she might qualify for. And yes, my son is on student loans and works full-time in the summer and part-time in the school year. He lives on his own. We live in a small town and almost all the employers won't pay over $8 an hour.

Answer 1

Is there a husband in the picture and he is working, it may be that they are not budgeting their money properly and 'know' that you will bail them out when they run short. I know this is hard, but sit down with them/her, and say as caring as possible, this is it. They must budget their money as mom or dad, whichever is the case, can no longer provide for you. If she is married or even single and they cannot afford food and have a low income, she/they should qualify for food stamps, financial help, plus WIC. WIC serves pregnant, postpartum and breastfeeding women, infants and children up to age 5 who meet income guidelines. Women and children receive supplemental amounts of fortified milk, cheese, eggs, cereals high in iron, peanut butter or dried beans or peas and fruit juices high in vitamin C. Infants who are not breastfed receive iron-fortified formula. Infants may also receive iron-fortified infant cereal and fruit juices high in vitamin C. In cases when an infant requires a specialized formula for a medical problem, it may be provided with a prescription from a doctor. If her family is under a certain income, she may qualify for other financial help as well. Have her go in and make an appointment with Department of Family Services (it may be called a different name in your state). Also look up in your phone directory where to go to set up a WIC appointment if her children are under 5. After she gets an appointment with both DFS and WIC, have her always be there for the appointments when scheduled and always be on time or ahead of time as they will release you if you don't bother to show at the scheduled time. I have been through this. You must make her be responsible or this will continue her entire life.

Your son going to college should also be working at least part-time whether on the campus, evenings, weekends, and especially during the entire summer he is off and saving his money for the following school year. No more summers playing and taking trips if that is the case now. If he has been using your income to qualify for college then he probably hasn't gotten any grants. He will qualify for much more financial help if he does this on his own, not including your salary. If no grants available, he should look for scholarships, or as last resort, take out student loans in his own name and repay, just as most college students must do. What good will it do for him to get through college and have a good career if it causes his parents to be in so much debt they end up in bankruptcy? He will be fine at the time he graduates with his new career, however, you will not be. Again, you must make changes. Have a heart to heart with him and tell him how things must change, that you love him, but you can no longer support him.

Now, don't do this for your daughter and your son, then get on a guilt trip and begin to call them every few days and ask if they are okay or if they need anything. That will not help them, it will make matters worse and things will never change. Once you talk to them you must stand your ground and let them live their life. Talk to them now and then like normal, but don't bring up financial matters. You aren't doing these things because you don't love them, you are doing this to teach them responsibility, so that they are aware that in life things don't just get handed to them. That they must work for what they want. They will appreciate what they have much more if they know they earned it.

If you are a Christian, pray about this before you do it. Remember, you aren't giving up on them, you are giving them wings to fly.

Answer 2

Sometimes you just have to let go about worrying about everyone else and focus on taking care of yourself. They're actually be a little selfish in coming to you for money if they know about your medical bills. If they don't know about the bills you need to be more vocal and play the poor me game that they're playing with you.

The answer for both children is they need to get a job. If they already have one than maybe they need two. They need to learn to be responsible to take care of themselves because you're not always going to be around to take care of them. Especially if you run out of money and can't afford medical care.

The child in college should check into grants, scholarships, an on campus work program or as a last resort student loans. It stinks to have a student loan at the end of it all but with the college degree they'll make more money and be able to pay it off faster.

As for the child with two babies of their own - if you have the time - offer to baby sit while he/she goes off to work. If you can't watch them during the day maybe your son/daughter can get a night job and their kids can sleep over your house.

There's always a way to make money to take care of yourself. You just have to push your kids to be a little more creative and independent so you can focus on taking care of you.

Answer 3

You just have to stop im 21 and my parents have not given me any money for about 3 years now i have my own job and I know how to manage my money so I have no need to borrow from them any more try giving them less and less as time goes by and they should eventually have to find other ways to get the money if they really need it

Answer 4

These adult children were obviously raised to expect parents to keep them afloat. It is time these two started to stand on their own two feet. Give notice that you will need to stop the endless money pit. I would suggest three months is soon enough for them to make other arrangements. You will always worry about your children, but tough love is just that....tough. Isn't it time to think about yourself?

Oh, do these adults live with you? Maybe that could be an option, to cut down on the outside bills. If you can tolerate such. My husband and I have three sons still at home and three sons with families of their own. The oldest son and his pregnant wife moved in with us for three months, prior to his naval orders. This was 6 years ago. It was hard, REALLY hard, and cramped, but we made it and he and his family are happy, healthy and living in Charleston, with another son to make two. And, we survived as well.

Good uck, dear one.

Answer 5

Their excuses are bullsh*t. Where is the father of your daughters children to help feed them? Where is her job? If she is really hardup and can't work or dont make enough she can go to welfare for aid. Your son can take out a school loan to help him with school and schlorships as well. YOU have to put your foot down and stop letting them take advantage of you and your a co-dependent to their laziness AND bullsh*t. THEY should be helping you NOT taking from you.

Answer 6

explain to them that your "loans" are for them when they REAALLY are in a jam, and not to be counted on as a montly source of incom.... suggest that they look for a part time job to suppliment their finances.... your kids aren't going to want to see you broke, so remind them that times are tough and as much as you'd like to help them, they need to start taking responsibility for themselves. As far as, the "no groceries for babies" reason... offer to babysit, if you can, for one or two days a week... just so she can go out and GET a job.... for the one who's in college... look into stafford loans, federal and state grants..... I'm sure he/she can find a job that will work around his schedule. Good luck

Answer 7

There are times when you have to exercise TOUGH LOVE. If they know you are a soft touch, they will never develop a value for money, and blow it like it was going out of style. After all, they got papa, or mama to bail them out. Is this what you really want, or for them to "grow up" and start taking responsibility? Your choice. Pick the right choice.

Answer 8

my parents 'cut me off' when i was half-way through college... i still went, but took out a loan. if college is important to your child, they will finish. if it isn't, they'll quit, but it's their decision at this point. they will probably choose to go back once they realize a job with a degree is better than one without in most cases.

as for the other child, that is a bit more difficult. perhaps you could volunteer to babysit while she gets a job to support herself and kids. even if it were part-time, she could earn enough for groceries.

hope this helps!

Answer 9

Now that you have started their is no good way to stop. They will continualy want more. The best way is to explain to them your hardships. They may understand but if they do not you will be alianated. The longer you wait the harder it will be on them and YOU. Recovering from it is a long road.You will not be able to stop worrying about them. They will face the world like we did and they will make it. Mine did.

Answer 10

Practice saying NO. They are grown and it is time they took responsibility for their own lives. You won't be able to stop worrying, they are your children, but they will NEVER figure it out for themselves (which they need to) if you keep bailing them out. There are resources out there for them besides bank of Mom, now is the time for them to fix their own troubles.