Her father chooses not to be around. we were supposed to get marrie and have a happy family. I think actually growing up scared him. I do not let him in her life because he lives so far away now and he is not at all a good role model and i dont think he loves her. my 2 year old asks me where here daddy is- she is very smart-should i lie to her wait to tell her. this issue breaks my heart. i want to cry just thinking about it. I love my baby, have I failed her?
2006-09-06 18:57:45 · 19 answers · asked by tiff 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
You say he chooses not to be around and then you say you do not let him in her life.
Make up your mind which one it is and then tell her the truth.
Stop crying over it.
YOU chose to have a baby. Now live with it.
Oh, and by the way... are the rest of us paying for this child with our taxes?
2006-09-06 19:02:41 · answer #1 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
you have not failed her, that u can be sure of... its not ur fault that he has left and not ur baby and that is what u will have to reassure her that... The one thing that i wouldnt do unless he was abusive is not to let him have a part in her life, what happen between u and him is between u and him and not between the baby and him..... When she gets older she will make her own mind up if she ever wants anything to do with her, he is still the father and should have a part in her life even if its a small part, that is up to him to make the effort and if he does dont stop that as she will turn on you when she is older as it will be ur fault that she doesnt know her father or able to have him in her life and u dont want that.
If he is not a good role model, doesnt make an effort and she sees that as u said she is smart and kids are they can see more then u know she will decide when she is older enough but u cant make that decision for her now.
As for tellin her where her father is at the moment it will be hard to explain exactly where he is, But tell her the truth as the truth will always win at the end even though the truth can hurt at least there will be that trust with u and ur daughter if u lie and then the father says another story she will be confused and not know what to believe when she is older so tell her the way it is exactly the way it happen, u cant say or think that he doesnt love her, if he tries to see her and makes an effort u keep pushing him away and he gives up that is not because that he doesnt love her its because its just too hard to keep fightin but he will try again and again, if no effort at all like if he doesnt even send a card then you would have to wonder if he does, but u cant say now or make predictions if he does love her for all u know he might and is thinkin of her always and doesnt know what to do...
you have not failed her at all u love her u are with her u have given her a roof over her head clothes on her back and food in her mouth and all the love that she needs. just be honest with her, u will know how to tell her now as she gets older and can understand that is when u will have to explain, but pleas be honest with her....let her know that u both love her as i said she will make her decision about him as she gets older, dont make that decision for her.....you will be fine...
2006-09-07 02:15:48 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
NO. He has failed her, but you have to use the struggles in life to grow from them-- Don't lie-- then you are just making excuse for his actions-- but you don't have to tell the harsh truth -- only you can find a happy medium. And don't put him down-- but don't bring him up either, make sure to stay neutral, children can sense how you feel about people. But even though he isn't around he is still here daddy-- and no one can replace him. Just focus on each other-- Now heres the hard part-- if she sees you hurt-- ( I am a single mom too, with a out of sight baby daddy) she will hurt too. Use this situation to secure the bond between you too. In the end-- it will make you closer to her than ever
2006-09-07 03:55:17 · answer #3 · answered by DatGurl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally I'm not sure that not allowing her father to be around is the right decision. He's just as much her parent as you are and its not your place to say if he loves her or not. even though he's not the best role model, some father figure can be better than none. It sounds as though maybe your past with him is affecting the relationship you won't allow him to have with the child.
I definitely would not tell her that her daddy chooses not to be around. For right now a simple, daddy's not here will suffice. Tell her that she's special because she has a mommy that loves her enough to be mommy and daddy. Good luck with your situation.
2006-09-07 02:02:14 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I raised two daughters age 26 & 17 alone and have alot of experience on this subject. My advise for you to say to her when she asks is: Baby, some Mommies & Daddies live together, and some Mommies & Daddies live in different places. Mommies & Daddies make this decision based on what it is best for all and it has nothing to do with Baby. Mommy and Daddy love Baby just as much apart as they would together and nothing will ever change that. Daddy loves Baby no matter where he lives and that won't ever change. Basically, make it clear to her that he's not there has nothing to do with her and that the situation is best for all three. You should word it in what manner you & she are comfortable with or however is easy for her to understand. She will be okay with what ever your ok with. She will sense if your not and will not be okay herself so it is important to talk to her when you feel comfortable and not emotional. As for failing her, in my opinion, keeping the bad role model father will do more harm to the daughter then no father. Good Luck to You & Baby!
2006-09-07 02:35:43 · answer #5 · answered by BeloyeMore 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I too was left to raise a 2 yr old with no father. Maybe I could have done things differently, I don't no. But, the one thing I didn't do is put his dad down to his face. I never ever voiced my opinion to him. When she asks where he is, just tell her "I honestly do not know" " He made a choice to be else where and not here" Be sure to get the point across it was "his choice" to be absent.
If you aren't careful, a child will create a picture of fault with the absent parent. What I mean, is the lack the ability to fully communicate,, and can hold themselves responsible for the other parent abandoning them. My son is now 23, and still thinks he had something to do with his father leaving.
What ever you do, don't lie to your child, it will backfire at a later date.
2006-09-07 02:10:00 · answer #6 · answered by easygoingfemale44 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you have not failed your daughter. Your there for her no matter what. Her father leaving has nothing to do with you or your daughter and you shouldn't blame yourself. It was his choice not to stick around. but you should tell your daughter who her daddy is but don't go into to much detail that she shouldn't hear. let her know who her daddy is (his name) maybe show her a picture. Explain to her that you love her and that you will always be there for her. Tell her just want you feel comfortable with and no more then that. I wish you the best!
2006-09-07 02:03:19 · answer #7 · answered by Grace Q. 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think she is tooooo young to kow so when she asks tell her that he is travelling to a very far place and whn she becomes 8 or 9 tell her the truth and she will understand but plz don't let her hate her father because this will have a bad influence on her whole life she may hate all men and refuse to get married ..........................n, you haven't failed her but you shouldn't have got a baby from a person who plzans not to get married ,don't think of that too much and try to be the father and motherof this child i know it is difficult but try...
Best wishes for you and for your daughter
any help contact me on:se7s23@yahoo.com or se7s23@hotmail.com
2006-09-07 03:33:54 · answer #8 · answered by Hussein A 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Say "daddy's going to be busy at work for a while". believe me, my 5 year old cousin ask my aunt the same thing because he obviously doesnt understand what "daddy's fighting in iraq now" means, so, she says things like"daddy's working and he wont be back for a while". It would be worse if you made ur child think that her daddy failed on u and her.
2006-09-07 02:06:01 · answer #9 · answered by Hi 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As her mother you have the right to keep her father away, but she should at least know who he is. My cousin never knew her father, so she was spoiled growing up. You never know he may come around someday, but then she won't even know who he is. I think that you should talk this over with him. Even if he is not a good role model, just say something to her like I did not choose that life style, but it works for him. Just try not to demine him in front of her. Young children are impressional. As for the distance, get a picture for her, and then they can talk on the phone, even if she doesn't see him face to face, she should still know.
2006-09-07 02:04:38 · answer #10 · answered by meesh_nicole 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Be careful...Dont give her more information than she's asking.
Definitely do NOT lie to her. It will come back and bite you.
If you know where he is, then tell her just that. If you dont know where he is, tell her that as well.
He could one day show up on your doorstep. Thus keep e/thing above board. And answer any of her questions as honestly as you're able. After all, you really dont know what he thinks and feels. Sometimes, not knowing an answer is a good thing. :)
2006-09-07 02:38:41 · answer #11 · answered by iyamacog 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋