What role should a step father play to a step child?

Question

My daughter has her daddy in her life that is 100% involved and we co-parent well. My soon to be husband has a hard time having no athourity over my daughter. It's the simple things he gets upset with, she is a good 12yr old girl and makes good grades. It's like not turning light off, or turning the T,V, off, picking up things, etc..

Answer 1

these are the 10 rules for step families some may not apply but it is a good guide also check out these links

Step 1. Recognize that the stepfamily will not and can not function as does a natural family. It has its own special state of dynamics and behaviors. Once learned, these behaviors can become predictable and positive. Do not try to overlay the expectations and dynamics of the intact or natural family onto the stepfamily.

Step 2. Recognize the hard fact that the children are not yours and they never will be. We are stepparents, not replacement parents. Mother and father (no matter how AWFUL the natural parents) are sacred words and feelings. We are stepparents, a step removed, yet in this position can still play a significant role in the development of the child.

Step 3. Super stepparenting doesn't work. Go slow. Don't come on too strong.

Step 4. Discipline styles must be sorted out by the couple. The couple, ideally with the help of a Stepfamily Foundation trained professional, needs to immediately and specifically work out what the children's duties and responsibilities are. What is acceptable behavior and what are the consequences when children misbehave? Generally, in the beginning, we suggest that the biological parent does the disciplining as much as is feasible. The couple together specifically works out jobs, expected behaviors and family etiquette.

Step 5. Establish clear job descriptions between the parent, stepparent and respective children. What specifically is the job of each one of us in this household? We need to be as detailed as we are in business.

Step 6. Know that unrealistic expectations beget rejections and resentments. There is no model for the step relationship except for the wicked stepchild and invariably cruel stepmother of fairy tales. Note the absence of myth around the stepfather. It is vital for the survival of the stepfather to be able to see and delineate expectations for each member of the family, especially the primary issues of upset in step: e.g., money, discipline, the prior spouse, visitation, authority, emotional support, territory and custody.

Step 7. There are no ex-parents . . . only ex-spouses. Begin to get information on how to best handle the prior spouse.

Step 8. Be prepared for conflicting pulls of sexual and biological energies within the step relationship. In the intact family, the couple comes together to have a child. The child is part of both parents, generally pulling the parents' energy together for the well-being of the child. In step, blood and sexual ties can polarize a family in opposite energies and directions.

Step 9. The conflict of loyalties must be recognized right from the beginning. The conflict is particular to step and is a round robin of confused emotions. Often, just as the child in step begins to have warm feelings toward the stepparent, the child will pull away and negatively act out. He/she feels something like this: "If I love you, that means I do not love my real parent." The feelings are normal and must be dealt with. The pulls of "Who am I loyal to first?" go all the way around in the stepfamily.

Step 10. Guard your sense of humor and use it. The step situation is filled with the unexpected. Sometimes we don't know whether to laugh or to cry. Try humor.

Answer 2

You and soon to be need to sit down with your daughter and lay down some ground rules. Make sure she knows that she is always to have respect, and the same goes for him. Let them know that this will not be easy at first, but, as long as you work together as a family, every thing will work out fine.
When ever you have situations, be sure you hear BOTH sides before you decide who was in the wrong. AND, never, I repeat, NEVER show disrespect for you new hubby in daughters presence, and don't over ride him, she will think his rules aren't important.
I've had a hard time with my step son, but, I've come to realize most of our problems were because of his father.( he was trying to hard to be a good dad)
I'm not saying this will be the case, just try to keep an open mind.
it's been a while on my end, and all is going real good now. I've gotten a lot of sound advice from this site and I'm greatly appreciative.
so, I hope some one can help you also....
Good luck and congrats on the up coming wedding:)

Answer 3

Exactly WHY do you have a problem with him telling her to shut a light off, or picking up after herself? She may have a father who is 100% involved, but he isn't living in the home where your future husband is...he has a right to keep his electric bill down or not trip over her shoes.

And what if you aren't home & he is? She has no rules?

It's fine if you and her biological father handle the big stuff, but when it comes to day to day...your new husband should have some say. The only way the two of them are going to have a loving, friendly respectful relationship is if he is given the opportunity to play the other adult role in the home.

There are some phenominal books out there on co-parenting...I suggest you go to your local bookstore or library and pick a few up...here is one I HIGHLY reccommend.


Blended Families: Creating Harmony As You Build a New Home Life by Maxine Marsolini (Paperback - Jan 2000)

Answer 4

The step dad role is Tuff. She must obied to the rules of his house and he has to obied to the decisions you and dad have made regarding her. Mom and Dad need to support Step dad and he should do the same for you. Once the lines have been drawn and the boundaries are set, then every body needs to respect them.

Then hopefully a very special relationship can develop between him and her. She can have the best of both worlds and he can enjoy being a part of her life.

When I met my wife , she had 2 kids, a girl 2 yrs old, a boy 4 yrs old and I had 2 boys also 2 and 4 yrs old.
After 6 months I seen that dad wasn't going to be dad, so I assumed the role. After a year it pretty much worked out that way to with the mom role.
14 years later I'm still dad and she's still mom, and we are the Brady Bunch! (Almost) lol !
My point being! If we can do it, then so can you!!.....Good luck

Answer 5

Oh boy, be careful!!! He could be the best guy in the world and still have a hard time with this. I recommend seeing a counselor for this one to have a mediator between you before the marriage. Or you could end up in a mess. Really! I have been dating someone for many years which has given us a chance to raise kids without forcing everyone into a blended family. It is sort of blended anyway but w/o the day to day parenting stuff. I know you want to be with your man and he wants the same but do yourselves and Especially your daughter a favor and get some advice. You may avoid some real hell. I wish you good luck for the future.

Answer 6

OMG my ex had the same problem----major reason why he is now my ex. If he can't accept that she is your child and you and her bio father should be the ones to parent and disipline her then maybe you should take some more time before the wedding. however that does not mean your daughter can be disrespectful to your fiance. you and your fiance need to set the house ground rules -like turning off the t.v. if it is such a issue. you have to pick your battles when it comes to teenagers. leaving a light on isnt a big deal but leaving her clothing all over the house is. And when there is a dispute between them you as her mother have the final say.

Answer 7

Soon to be husband? Honey, you may want to re-think this or at least sit him down and lay it on the line for him. Your daughter already has a daddy. With your daughter being 12, he has no right to have any "authority" over her. Maybe if she was younger, and he helped raise her, but it's not the case and he needs to step aside. If you are home, the disciplining should come from you, if you aren't at home, he needs to wait until you get home or things are really going to go downhill rather quickly. She's about to hit the teenage years, and along with that, comes all the hormones. You can just imagine what would happen if he tried to control something at that age. It would just cause problems and then if you came to her defense, it causes problems between you and him. She is simply too far along in life for someone else to come in to the picture and start telling her what to do. I wish I had better advice, but honey, something tells me you already knew this and just wanted confirmation or a way to tell him without hurting his feelings. I wish you luck and I URGE you to please straighten this issue out before you marry this man. It'll save you un-necessary grief in the future.

Answer 8

He should be your soon to be husband and whatever your daughter accepts him to be. The quickest way he can push her away at the impressionable age of 12 is to march in and demand to be her father. Better would be role model, friend, and husband to her mother. He can eaisly be supportive with her and gain her respect before bossing her around. He should make her realize he is not trying to replace her actual father or take him out of her life.

I married my wife when her kids were 10 and 11 and did just that. We have a great relationship and because of how I treated them, they have always respected me as a second father, and I naturally gained in their eyes whatever authority I needed when there was a problem or issue.

The things you described like turning on and off lights and stuff is pretty minor. Any child is not going to do that and the damage you do trying to correct it won't be worth having the light turned off, or whatever else she is not doing.

Good luck!!

Answer 9

I too remarried but I had 3 children ages 17,12, and 10 that ended up with a step father. My children's father was also very involved in their lives. When we first got married I thought I was going to lose my mind, because my new husband was the same way, it seemed like everything (little things) the kids did he had something to say about it..drove me crazy! Things kept going at this pace for awhile till one day I really couldn't take much more.. Hated to do it but had to have a Family meeting with the kids and my new husband ( since all this put me right in the middle ) We finally had to set rules for both the kids and step dad..and unfortunately men can be as bad if not worse than kids.I had to tell all of them that I loved them all and it wasn't fair that I be put in the middle like that.and I was not not going to put up with any more because and I also had to tell my children that even though their step dad wasn't their real dad that I would not tolerate any disrespect towards him and everyone needs to work together and come to a happy medium well as far as step dad he was told kids are kids and you kinda have to chose your battles with them..so just hang in there things do get better

Answer 10

He doesn't have to be "Dad" if she or he is not willing, but I believe it is fair that he be an authority in the household. When you marry this man, he is becoming a part of your life and should be respected. If you only give him partial parental controls one way or the other- things are going to get messy. Your roof, your rules. Hopefully he will love her like a daughter and respect where she's coming from, and eventually a nice balanced relationship will form. This kind of situation is never easy. Good Luck!