What would you do with your ex-in-laws family?

Question

My husband was divorced (somewhat bitterly) from his first wife of 17 years (about 4 years ago). We have since married. We all live in the same city, and we are cordial when we see any of his ex's out and about. However, some of them still have a lot of animosity towards us. He does get along with some of the family members yet, and can hold conversations with them when he/we see them out. Here is the problem.............
His ex-niece (20 years old) was killed last night in a horrific car accident (it shut the interstate down for 5 hours). He is at odds with himself as to what to do for his former family. He still loved his niece, and would talk to her when he would see her, but he doesn't want to cause any problems with the other family (the ones who are still holding a grudge) by going to the funeral. Please help.

Please also be sypathetic to this issue, it is really has my husband at odds here. If you are going to give an answer like azul did, then please keep it to yourself.

thank you azul for removing your answer.

Answer 1

he needs to not be at the funeral but go to the grave site after the service to say goodbye
you should go with him
a card of sympathy to the family is really the only thing done with him not being in the family any more

Answer 2

I think your husband and you should do what your heart tells you is the right thing to do. Divorce is a hard and difficult time to everyone, including the family. However, it was between his ex wife and him....just like the marriage was. You don't stop being family just because a marriage didn't work out.....you don't stop caring just because of a divorce between "2" people. If there is animosity with some of his ex-inlaw it is their problem, not your husbands. Let them deal with the past. Your husband should go to pay his respect for someone who was a family member to him for 16 years, a divorce does not stop that. Your husband is not the one with the problem. Tell him to go, he needs to grieve and also have closure. If certain members of his ex family cannot deal with this, it is on them to work it out.
Sorry for your loss.

Answer 3

I would call some of the family that he does get along with and feel out the situation. I don't think there should be a problem, this is after all a tragedy, a time for grieving, and it would be horrible of them to cut him out.
If they do not wish for him to be there, have him go to the grave AFTER the services and say his farewells there. And he can always send a sympathy card to her parents, you don't need permission for that.
I truly sympathize with your situation, I went through something similar with my first husband, except, it was his funeral. I was fortunate enough to be included in the funeral, it helped give me closure and I was able to pay my respects. I hope your husband can be as fortunate in his situation.
Again, my sympathies to you both, best of luck.......

Answer 4

If your husband feels the need to attend the funeral because he needs closure he should go by all means. If he attends it would be best avoided interacting with with family members who do not like him. Let her family approach him if they want to. Even if they do not acknowledge him they will appreciate the fact that he cares or is showing respect to her. Because emotions may be running high there is a chance that one of the young woman's relatives may try to vent their own grief. He could then quietly leave. He will not be at peace unless he follows his heart.

Answer 5

He needs to go to the funeral if he loved this kid. I would hope that any condulances at this point in this families life would be welcomed. Also he could send a sorry for you loss card and a plant to the funeral. He needs to be there if they turn to him in their time of need. If he isn't he'll let himself and them down and only make things worse. Been there done that. I went the family members who apprecitiated that I came said so the ones who didn't kept to themselves. Good luck and sorry for the loss

Answer 6

I would show respect by sending flowers to the funeral home or church where the service maybe held. I would try and go to the wake/viewing of the body. I think this would be the Honorable thing to do. I think the funeral
should be for family and friends, ok.

Answer 7

I think he needs to go to the funeral and say goodbye and pay his respect. has for the other family who is holding a grudge forget them when you leave a relationship you will always have someone who is upset at you like it your fault the relationship ended you can't please everyone but if he doesn't say goodbye he may renascent himself for a long time so he should go but keep a distances from the other family who is upset with him so nothing turns ugly and be there for the ones he stills talk to

Answer 8

If he was close to his niece or there are people attending that he is still close to, he would go in support of them. Because of the animosity of other family members, it would probably be best if he stayed in back, paid his respects briefly, and just left quietly. I think this would be the most respectful way of handling the situation for all involved.

Sorry for your loss :(

Answer 9

If he wants to go to the funeral, he should go to the funeral. He can arrive just before the service and stay in the background. Let the family approach him if they want to. A nice memorial in the niece's name would be a nice remembrance. I wouldn't go to any gathering that is held after the service. Wishing you all peace.

Answer 10

Dang tuff question, guess it depends on how close he was to the neice, but no matter what, there will be problems, if he goes someone will be mad, if he doesn't someones feelings will be hurt. He should probably go, but keep a low profile if possible, that way he pays his respects, but doesn't intrude to much. Good luck and sorry about the loss.