Opinions on stepmothers rights(I don't mean legal)?

Question

My husband and I had a long talk with our preacher last night about my stepson and his behavior. He has only lived with us for 3 months. His behavior is not any better than it was at his moms. He is lying, stealing (just recently stole my older brothers high school ring, luckily we got it back), back talks, and has now gotten kicked off the bus. My husband went asked the preacher to come over cause he see's how frustrated over my stepsons behavior that I am. The preacher basically told us that we can not let this child destroy our family. He feels that my stepson who is 12 knows full well what he is doing, and knows right from wrong. He is just choosing the wrong to get attention and to cause problems between my husband and I. Our preacher feels that since I have taken on a full time parenting role in his life I deserve respect and have certain "rights". He feels that my husband should allow me to be the one to dole out any punishments for awhile, and if he makes it clear that he backs me up completely, my stepson will know that his bad behavior is not going to break us up. He also feels that we can not allow my stepson to cause turmoil in our household, considering that I have a son and my husband and I have a 2 yr. old daughter together. He even feels that we need to let him know that it is his choice to change his behavior and that the consequences of continuing to do the things he is doing, might be that he has to go back to his mothers house. He feels that he is trying to “play the victim” and that if we allow it and don’t set down strict, if not harsh, punishments, he will destroy our marriage. Do you think he has a good point?

Answer 1

yes, I am a firm believer that a step parent needs to have as many rights to dicipline a step child... as a biological parent does. If the biological parent remarries and they dont allow the step parent to dicipline, then that says to me they dont trust them.... I say sit down TOGETHER and lay out the rules.. and NEITHER of you bend, break, stretch, or give in.... be strong... and pray for your step sons better behavior.. Good luck and God bless

Answer 2

I will share with you information from Dr. Phil, that I find to be completely truthful. I agree with your preacher on several points, but not on all. I along with many others in your numerous other questions have tried to tell you that the step-parent cannot be the disciplinarian.

Here is information from Dr. Phil on that subject:

There's no doubt that being a stepparent is one of the most difficult roles any adult will ever assume. So much pain can be avoided if you can agree on some very basic definitions of that role, and be alert to sensitivities with it.

To handle this situation with the utmost efficiency, both the biological parent and the stepparent should begin with an open and candid discussion about the fears and expectations regarding the relationship with the children. Each should know what the other expects concerning the stepparent's involvement in guiding, supervising and disciplining the children. Once you understand what each other's expectations are, you have a place to start shaping what the stepparent role will be. I always think it's important to first identify what you can agree on and thereby narrow your differences. How you ultimately define the stepparent role will, of course, be up to you. The following are my recommendations based on what I've seen work, what I've seen fail and how I think it's best to set up and define the stepparent role:

1. It's my strong belief that unless you as the stepparent are added to the family when the children are very young, it will most likely be very difficult for you to discipline your spouse's children. Every situation is different, but in most situations, disciplining your nonbiological children is fraught with danger, since it's likely to create resentment on the part of your spouse. Again, this isn't always the case, and if that's not the circumstance in your family, that's great, because it can give the biological parent an additional resource for handling discipline issues. While I don't believe it's very likely a workable situation for a stepparent to be a direct disciplinarian, it's extremely important that the stepparent be an active supporter of the biological parent's disciplinary efforts. Both biological parents and stepparents should discuss the rules of the house and negotiate an agreement for what standards the children will be held to. This element of family life should be subject to the same negotiation and joint ownership as any other family situation.

2. The stepparent, although not actively initiating direct discipline, should certainly work to maintain the normal boundaries that exist between an adult and a child. Although it may be the biological parent who delivers an initial consequence for misbehavior, it's important that the stepparent be active in support of that decision, and care should be taken that proper respect and acknowledgment of the stepparent be given. In other workds, a stepfather is not simply one's mother's husband. He is in fact an adult and an authority figure in the home.

There's more, but you can go to the link to read it all.

Answer 3

Oh i think its time to slow down, I am the mother of two small boys and also the step-mom of two boys. We have been together for 5 years, and his oldest son is 7. I hope you know that whatever your preacher is saying is wrong. I feel that your step-son is at a very tough age, and you came into his life at the wrong time. He has a mother and isnt looking for that, as much as that hurts to hear, its the truth. Sometimes kids need tough love and its his fathers role to provide that. This young boy probably feels a bit threatned by you, not that thats your fault, but he probably feels like someone has invaded his space, and is moving in on his dad, I dont think you should ever threaten to send him back to his moms. He needs to feel the love and acceptance from both you and your husband. Try to sit down and talk to him, tell him what you guys expect and what the punishment will be if he doesnt respect what the rules in your house are. Taking things away, grounding, spanking he sure isnt too old for that (be sure your husband does it), just start out slow, Try to teach him the right things in life, get him involved in sports or activities that he enjoys, spend one on one time with him, let the "boys" have their time together as well. That always helps. He needs a role model and thats his father. And watch plenty of Dr.Phil. Get his book "family first" its amazing and will answer tons of questions for you :) but no matter what you and your husband need to be a team and be united like a wall, and show your children thats just the way it is and no matter what, they are the children and you are the parents and nothing they do or say will change that and rules will not be bent GOODLUCK!!!!

Answer 4

I disagree about a couple of points.

You doling out punishment would be okay if your stepson was about 5. But as it is he is already bitter enough towards you, I am sure. He needs to be forced to show you respect, the same respect he shows teachers, ministers ect ect. But you are not his parent, and if you try to be he will not react well to it. By the same token, he should be doing as you tell him.

When he lies, or steals or whatever other behavior crops up, then you should tell him that you and his father will discuss it. No discussion about deciding his punishment should be done in front of him. Do it behind closed doors, then his father can announce the decision. This way your stepson will only be faced with the two of you as a united front, instead of seeing where you disagree. He will use that info against both of you.

The other point that I don't agree on is the sending him back to moms as punishment. This child probbably feels torn between two homes. If he feels as though he is just going to get tossed back and forth between them then he is never going to have any respect for you or your husband. You should sit him down, and explain to him that he is a part of your family and that you want him to stay, and that you will not simply toss him back to mom. Tell him that he is wanted and loved, and that he has a place in your home.

This sounds like a kid who needs very strict guidlines. You and your husband should sit down and creat these guidlines, then present them to your stepson. Then stick to the guidlines. If you have specific punishments that you impliment for certin behaviors, then he cannot 'fight' you on it. There is no debate. Just let him know that he chose this by his behavior. Loss of privilages and possesions works great at this age. But don't 'ground him for a week'. If he steals, then let him know that he has to earn your trust back by repeated good behavior over a period of time. Make him work for it. Then when he gets back his privilages (and your trust) then he will actually feel like he accomplished something, instead of feeling like he just rode out a punishment.

Answer 5

I feel what your preacher is telling is right and you should follow his advice. You and your husband need to talk about the situation. You do have the right to put your foot down and tell it like it is, because that is your house and putting him in check will show your children that bad behavior is not tolerated. But also you need to sit and talk with your stepson alone and then together with his father to come to terms with what is borthering him. You said that the situtation was not better at his mothers neither so maybe the problem is not just with him wanting to break up your marriage if he is also having problems at home. There must be some underlying factors that is causing him to act in this way. Communication is the key if he still get out of hand try recommending him for a group counseling where you, his moms, and father can try to resolve this problem and you can also do it without therapy, but if it does not work maybe you should try it, I know people who got good results from group counseling.

Answer 6

Yes he should have respect for you, but remember that respect is earned, and this is where you have missed the boat BIG TIME
From reading your other posts regarding your step children you all but came out and stated you hate them. Now how do you think a 12 year old would take this, do you really think he will have a nice sit down conversation with you and express his feeling? No he's 12, he is going to start doing everything in his power to piss you off (examples...all the things you stated above) Punishment is not the key and will not fix this child. Punishment only works if the mom or dad has a extremely strong unconditional love and respect for that child, yes it can work for a step parent who truly loves there children, and NO you don't there for you SHOULDN'T administer punishments to him.

I recommend you start off by showing him the respect and love you want in return, It will take a while to undo all the damage you have already done, but if you get yourself on his side and he knows your there things will start to change.

Answer 7

Funny how you turn to God on this matter. You should have turned to God before you ended your first marriage (if there even was one) and definitely before you decided to marry a man with kids (the fact that he never saw them is moot, there his responsibility no matter how little he sees them) You would have had a intact family with a mom and dad and this would be a non issue. Turning to God now is the equivalent of crashing a motorcycle head on with a big rig at 80 mph and then asking the doctor to fix me up. Sorry, I have to call you out as a fraud, you and your husband both broke your vows with god, and now the children are paying the price. Not to put all the blame on you, your husband could have used the same advise. Yes we all make mistakes, but we must work hard ease the pain, you can do this by focusing your love and attention on the best interest of all the children in your family (this doesn't mean kicking one of them out)

Step 1. Start with love, attention, and communication ( and no you haven't been doing this ).

Step 2. In regards to punishment, I know the difference between a child who needs punishment and a child who needs STEP 1. Yours needs Step 1. refer to oldschoolmom thoughts on punishment, I have never heard it so rightfully stated.

Answer 8

while you are not his bio parent you have placed yourself into that role, as a parent and you must comply with it. I see that people say that since you didnt give birth to him you have NO RIGHTS, but that he should respect and obey you. Yet you are in a parental role, yet you are expected to behave as a baby sitter and not a parent. It doesnt make sense.
I completely agree, however being a stepparent is a hard life. While you do have certain rights, there are some you cannot make without a POA from your husband.
The young boy does know what he is doing, however you must look at the life he was used to having before he came into your home. Take that into consideration, before iether of you pass judgement. Your husband should back you up at least in the presence of the children as if he doesnt it leads to dissention among your children especially your step son.
I would go with your pastor on this as I have 4 stepchildren in addition to two daughters. Another thing.. when making reference to your stepson.. make reference to him as your son, not someone who really doesnt belong. My stepson denotes that he isnt your son, which he really isnt, but hearing it come from you makes it hard on him. He may feel as if you really dont accept him.
You cant force any respect out of him at this age. You must earn it from him as he will earn it from you. Respect given at any time, true respect that is, is always EARNED.

Answer 9

Yes, that sounds like a very good plan. You and your husband need to work together as a unit. This kid needs to see that you have the authority to punish him and not have to run to your husband to do it for you. Even if you are only his stepmother, considering that his real mother pawned him off on you, you're the closest thing to a mother he has right now. He needs a parent, not a friend.

Perhaps there are bits of this plan that aren't perfect, and might not work so well. But they might. And it sounds as if you've tried everything else, so this plan is as good as any other option you have.

Answer 10

Sounds like a good plan. Your stepson needs a firm, united front from you and your husband. He is living in your house thus he needs to follow the rules that you and your husband agree upon. You should be allowed to discipline him if he does not follow the rules in your house.