a 6 year old boy who acts completely different at his mother's house versus at our house (his father/my home)

Question

My boyfriend has a 6 year old son who lives with his mother and we get every other weekend, all school vacations, and for most of the summer. He is in the whining phase which I hope passed quickly but in the last month or so he has become a bit more mouthy and when he doesn't get his way he has started the whole crying and whining act. Overall, he is one of the best behaved children I have ever seen and I have absolutely no complaints over the whining and occassional smart mouthed comment because we were expecting some changes in his behavior after his first year of school. The big problem we are having is the constant phonecalls from his mother because of his behavior at her house. He tells her that he hates her, threatens to kick his stepfather who he doesnt like at all and fights with his 3 year old half sister (which I think is normal) Tonight she says he said he was going to kill all of them and himself. This is NOT our boy! Any other familys encounter this? Therapy work?

He never acts this way at our house. My solution is to bring her back to court and take him out of that situation because it is obvious to me that she lacks common sense and proper parenting skills. My boyfriend doesnt feel comfortable with draggin his son through a custody battle right now with all these behaviors going on. He wants to try therapy for all of us together to get to the root of the problem and see if the mother will realize that he is better off living with us and let him move without a fight. (She gets a check from disablity for having him live with her plus we pay considerable child support and honestly I think that is her only motive to keep him living with her. So I know she will fight us trying to take custody) I just dont know how we can make this situation better without causing emotional damage to our 6 year old. I know my boyfriend is suffering daily because he stresses so bad about his son being upset so often because he doesnt get along with the stepdad

I agree with all your answers. Thank you so much for the fast response. I don't think that he gets the attention that he deserves in their household. His mother has a 3 year old with her husband and they definately favor her over him. Here he has our full attention but we have a little one on the way so I am nervous to how he will react to having a sibling here. We have already talked extensively on how to make him feel included all the time so he doesn't feel left out. I am finding out that being a step parent is a hard job. But it is worth it because I love that little boy as much as I will love our new baby. Thanks again for the reassurance that therapy is a good choice for the next step to understanding what is going on with him.

Answer 1

I agree with everyone else with one acception. I think he is lacking dicipline and structure at his mothers house. Children usually only act up like that when the adults present are not in charge. She is not following through with the structure and dicipline.

I don't know if that requires therapy for the child so much as the mom :-) for all of you to get on the same page.

Answer 2

It sounds like the problem is that he feels pushed away by his mom. From what i have read, she has a husband and a 3 year old daughter with this man. If I put myself in his shoes, I would show some resentment and maybe some hate towards my mother, minimal if any at all. In addition to all that you say he acts totally different when he is with you than he does at home with his mom.

Now therapy would very much so help the problem but I try not to jump to that extreme at the first sign of anything that could turn major. Sit him down, just you and your boyfriend, and talk to him; make sure you do not talk down to him. Talking down to him would only make him mad and not want to talk, and we want to know what is bothering him. Using words he understands is also a good way to go about asking your questions.

In any other case, I would also recommend giving him a good whooping. If this has nothing to do with anything that has to do with having two lives (one at mom's and one at dad's) and is simply an attitude thing then by all means...deal with it in a manner that you and your boyfriend seem fit (i.e the dogs wets on the carpet, you rub his nose in it). Im not saying that this is what is going on but just in case it is, you shouldn't just let it fly by. Something key to remember: like a therapist/psychologist, don't make your decision after one chance of hearing the story. Listen two or three times and then make a decision/assumption. If you punish him for being a bad kid when in reality, he was being bad but because of the reasons stated in my first paragraph, serious mental trauma can ensue later in life.

I hope I could be of some help to you.

Answer 3

This boy is acting out.He is telling you's who is boss.That is not how it is.He needs to have both parents be consistent in his punishment and give him routine.By punishment i don't mean hitting,i mean time out sitting in a time out chair.He needs to know who is boss and it's not him.When he cries and whines,does he get what he wants to just shut him up.At 6 years old,he needs guidance,and love.And firm adults around that will not put up with this,school isn't what changed him as at school there are teachers that won't put up with that.Tell him,he is suppose to be a big boy,not a whiny,bratty baby.Therapy might work but he is only 6.The mother could use some councilling,too.

Answer 4

It sounds like you are a great stepmother ,but I would try and let his dad work this out ,not to say your not a part of it ,you are but sometimes kids are confused and he could really love his mum but at the same time blame her for his mum and dad not being together or her not being as good as he would like..I would not think that removing him from his mother at this age is really in his best interest,his mum and dad need to get together with a councillor and work out the problem,then you and you husband need to work out your end and the mother and stepfather need to get their act together.I think you should also try not to judge his mother as you are not in her home.what kind of mother was she when she was with your husband ? sometimes the bitterness of a breakup can warp a persons view,if he can be clear sited and see the truth ,that would help because if he thought she was a good mother before the breakup then chances are she still is,as the opposite is true too ,believe me ,I know not all mothers deserve their kids but all kids deserve all their parents.

Answer 5

The best advice I can give you is to try the therapy. He might be just acting out though to have you two take custody of him because he doesn't like his step dad and don't get along with them right now. But also he might be having problems that he can not talk to with his mom because of his step dad.

Answer 6

In my opinion is seems that he may not be getting the attention he needs at home with his mother. He wants to be with his father and acts up. Children respond different ways to different things. I think sitting down and talking to himabout what he wants would be the ideal answer, and if nothing else seems to help then talk to a school counselor and then maybe even therapy.

Answer 7

The problem is that we teach people how to treat us and they've taught him much differently than have you. No, it's not your problem. My suggestion would be to see if you can obtain custody. It doesn't sound as though it's not a healthy place for him to be.

Answer 8

Spanking will solve your problem.

Answer 9

"Our boy"? "Hard being a step parent"? You said he was your boyfriend, not your husband. o___O