What would you do? Anybody's input welcome?

Question

If the person you have loved for a very long time with every part of your being suddenly became very controlling? Like not allowing you to learn, grow, or change in any way unless they agree with it. (yeah, most people would say leave) but what if you just felt there was nobody out there for you but this person? I ask in this section because the one I love is belittling me for learning about other religions. And we are actually separated at this point because of it.

Debra M: I am not in danger, though he has been very physically abusive in the past. We have so far gotten over that hurdle.

Answer 1

I checked out your 360 profile the other day so I figure I know where you stood when you created your profile. (For the record, Rob Zombie rocks and you look like one his chicks!) You say that your other half is belittling you for checking out other religions. I take it, then, that you might have an inkling of interest in what most people call God. I see this as a positive thing for you. Would your other half go nuts if you started tryin out different brands of beer? (that's just hypothetical) Apparently you've been together for quite some time. You show signs of one who is open-minded. If he/she can't cope with you just "checking out" different religions, I can only imagine the hell that would break loose if you eventually decided to follow God's commandments. But yet I see that you are hopelessly devoted to this person. I remember when my ex-wife and I split up about twenty years ago. It felt somebody ripped out my guts, tied them in a knot, threw them on the ground and stomped on them. It sounds like you're kind of feeling that way right now. I would think that if he/she can't cope with the issue, then they most likely would only continue to dominate you as long as you were together. This could also lead to physical abuse. If you concede and denounce your actions, then you will probably never have a say in any decision between you again. I know this probably sounds corny, but what does your heart tell you? It probably has a great big hole through it right now. What about your friends? Would they also subject you to ridicule for your interest in merely learning about other religions? If you two were to forever part, ask yourself who would leave your circle of friends? You or him/her? Would they shun you or him/her? No matter what your religion or beliefs, EVERYONE needs someone to be intimate with. Right now at this moment what's the other half doing, are they already wooing someone else? It sure sounds like you're not ready to get "back in circulation." If this person is already checking out someone else, then it's obvious you were only being used. If this is being done just to make you jealous or to make you try to change your thoughts, then this person would never be faithful to you if you were to marry or co-habitate. I've already dropped a ton of issues on you here, and I apologize for trying to write a novel. I can't tell you to just walk away. I also couldn't tell to just hang in there because things will get better. Whatever way this swings, you have to make a decision. They apparently have already made thiers. I'm not Dear Abby, Dr. Phil or the Prince of Wales, my advice I give to you is what I feel in MY heart having gone through a bad break-up or two. Can you really see yourself with this same person 20 years from now? After I broke up with my ex as previously mentioned, I trusted absolutely NO woman for two and a half years. There are other people out there that are looking for someone just like you. People that will treat you a helluva lot better. One more question and I'm outta here. Are your current beliefs (paganism and satanic etc.) really yours, or are you in this situation because you feel these are the only friends who will pay any attention to you? I think you can do much better than where you are now. Hey, I'm Southern Baptist, but I'm the only one in my church that will crank up a pair of Marshall amps with some Rob Zombie or Judas Priest loud enough to hear two blocks away and that's no sh*t. I wish you the best. Follow your heart. I know you have one because it's hurting right now. Need anything? email me.

PEACE

Answer 2

There is a pure problem here and I am glad that you can see that there is. I am not going to tell you to leave somebody that you have been with for a long time because this is somebody that you already know and trust, so that would be very hard to do. It is very hard to start with someone new that you really don't know ab\nd trust. If I were you I would go and buy the things that I would like to learn and if this person is going to get mad about it I would take whatever book (like the bible) and when they would say something I would say that I am compareing the two so there should no arguement. If there is a arguement then you will have to stand your ground and then take something away that you know that person likes (example sex) and then let them see how it feels to control them. Turn the tables around and that should show them the way that they treat you because it is clear that they do not realize that they are hurting you this bad so instead of telling them over and over you have to try a new apporch and show them better than you could tell them and if they still won't let you grow then this means that you love that other person more than that other person loves you. Not saying that the person does not love you at all but I am saying that this is 40 / 60 relastionship and that can be fixed as well. Sont' start over patch up what ever you already have. I hope that I have helped you. If you need someone to talk to you can always talk to me.

Answer 3

If you have children with your long time love, or think you may someday, you most likely will always have arguements over this issue and you will end up either very angry or very sad.

Relationships are easier when people have similar basic beliefs or are very open minded.

Perhaps in the past your friend has made you feel loved and very special and its awfully hard to lose the person who made you feel that magic.

You may each move on or you may get back together but you'll both need to want to work at the relationship and not just the physical aspects in order for you both to be happy.

As a little exersize, without thinking about anyone in particular - write down 10 things you feel you need in a relationship and 10 things you could not put up with. Once you have those things in your mind, try to imagine someone that has all ten from the first list and none of the ten from the second list closer to you.

You deserve to be happy and so does the one you love so let it be for the good of everyone concerned that if you find someone special and if they find you, that you will both have your needs met.

BB

Answer 4

You can either talk or write him a letter, explaining, that you want to learn and that it would be good if he join you, so you both can grow increasing in knowledge, and being open. You can't learn if your not open.
If it's a problem that doesn't change, you have to stand your ground and let him know, that there's more to life than being controlled, give him a fair chance to know the facts, give him some time to think about it.
There is always someone else out there for you, your a good woman, and you want a good man, you want to be treated well, as an equal.
God allows mates to come into our liefs for a reason, to learn from and grow, and when the time comes, there's no more to give, it's time to move on, to the next level of relationship growth.

Answer 5

People grow. Sometimes people grow apart. Some people just do not understand this. I am not the same person I was 3 years ago. I will not be the same person in 3 years that I am now. There is no instruction manual on how to live a life. Everyone is just making it up as they go. It does sound like unless something gives a little, it may be time to go your separate ways and move on to greener pastures.

Answer 6

"Like not allowing you to learn, grow, or change in any way unless they agree with it"

That would be a breaking point for me. You need to learn, grow, change and stay informed. Also doing what makes you happy is relevant to your mental health. Why would you want the one you love to not educate themselves, grow and become a better person? Is he scared that you'll leave him or convert to something and stop loving him?

Please don't just stay with him for fear that theres no one else out there. If you feel the relationship is worth fighting for then try to talk things out but controlling on either side shouldn't be tolerated.

I've always enjoyed reading your answers and questions on the R&S section. If you need to talk, I'm here to listen to you. My contact thingie is on my prof. Best of luck hon, this sounds like a really tough time.

Answer 7

This person is belittling you because they are threatened by you having interests that do not include them. I have a feeling religion probably isn't all you are interested in, right? This person feels as though you are stepping away from them and they do not know how to relate.

Pursue your interests but maybe try to either include this person OR find a joint activity that you can both enjoy.

If this person just shuts down and won't participate in anything with you, I'd suggest counseling. If that doesn't work, then you have some choices to make.

Answer 8

You obviously feel very strongly, and I can respect that, but at some point you need to take control. You're a free person, and can learn about what you want to. If he really has such a huge problem, I would have to recommend leaving. Or, if you feel that being with him is more important than this particular freedom, then stay. Really, it's a matter of choice: stay, and have an over-bearing lover, or leave and possibly lose your perfect mate. What's more important to you?

Answer 9

I would sit down and have a long talk with this person and ask them why do they feel threatened by what I am doing. I'd keep an open mind to their views and/or fears about my expanding my knowledge. Sometimes all it takes is a bit of direct communication in a place where it is private enough to have the conversation but public enough where a scene won't be made.

Answer 10

It may seem right now that he's the only person, but chances are he won't be. Knowledge, on the other hand, is for as long as you exist. If you are separated, I suggest you take the extra step and leave. Doesn't sound like it would be a healthy relationship or that you'll be happy for long.