Parents, Why do we reward our kids for doing thing that they are expected to do?

Question

Like behave well when out in public, use manners, etc...
I believe that these are should be expected qualities of the children not rewarded ones. The reward is a good/ well behaved adult. That is better than a freakin' piece of candy.

Do a search of my other asked questions. You will be amazed at the responses.

I believe we are doing society a terrible injustice by using constant rewards. I do not see how we can, as a society, stop it. There are to many lazy, unknowing, parents out there trying to live there lives through their children.

Answer 1

Using rewards has gone out of control! I hate that parent use them. Children are being punished by rewards. It seems that parents these days do not know how to discipline. Rewards only result in temporary obedience and do not produce any lasting changes. Using rewards are a way for parents to control their children, not a way for them to learn self-control. Children will only comply for a reward, not because they want to change their behavior. Here is a great article describing the harm that rewards cause. http://www.thewellspring.com/cat/adult_b... Also check out what Alphie Kohn says in his article “The Case Against Using Gold Stars.” http://www.alfiekohn.org/articles.htm... Spread the word!

Answer 2

It really depends on what you mean by "reward." And how old your children are and what your expectations are. Kids aren't born knowing what "behaving" is- no kid comes out of the womb knowing that they shouldn't grab things off the shelves in the grocery store. Those things have to be taught, so if you are talking about children under 5 or 6, be careful of assuming that all parents have the same level of expectaions as you. In other words, they might be learning not to hit or bite and the parents are trying to prioritize their learning.

There is a newer philosophy out there that believes that punishing children doesn't work, because kids simply see that as the attention they desire. (I mean, we NEVER see repeat offenders in jail and prison, right?) As you are teaching your kdis what the expectations are, it is more effective if you encourage them what the right behaviour is. Rewarding them with your attention, smiles, or something like stickers at home is a form of positive reinforcement. Kids will tend to remember that longer. And they seek the rewards more often than the avoid the punishment. Most public school systems are teaching this concept to the teachers. This is not in PLACE of punishment, but a pre-cursor to help the children learn positive behavior and expectations.

Granted, once your child KNOWS and understands the expectations, bribery should end. But it's not really fair to see other parents in public places and try to understand what parenting battles they are currently facing. Every child and every parent is different and, for the most part, we're all just trying our best.

Answer 3

well in society adults ae rewarded for doing good. We reward our kids to teach them about society. They can not understand the long term effects of why they need to behave, pick up toys,etc. We are teaching them by acting right and doing what they are suppose to do that there are positives to their actions. THAT IS EXACTLY HOW THE WORLD IS! If you don't pay rent they kicj you out, if you do you get to stay. At work if you do well you get bonuses or incentives, if not you get nothing. These are just two examples.

Answer 4

i constantly go round and round with my grandmother about this very subject. she doesnt believe children should get allowance and i used to give my oldest son money if he did chores around the house. now he has a part time job. nonetheless, i never had money as a kid to go do stuff with my friends,why? because i had no allowance. and i stole alot because i didnt have money from allowance. and we werent even poor. but kids are expected to behave a certain way. the reward system is effective because it offers a positive reinforcement and conditions them that if they do a certian act or whatever, then they will be rewarded.

Answer 5

As parents, we shouldn't reward like that. The kids are gonna constantly be in want for things for doing regualr everyday activities. Rewards aren't teaching the children anything, it's manipulating them. Kids need to be taught the basics in life, manners, behaviour etc...They don't need bribes.

Answer 6

I don't give my kids candy for behaving well, I just tell them that they are growing up to be such good boys and praise them. I think some parents bribe the kids with candy because their kids are ill mannered and they are happy when for once they behave like good kids instead of the spoiled little brats that they are.

Answer 7

I agree, I don't have any kids, but when I was younger my mom didn't reward me for doing right, she spanked me when I did wrong-that's how I knew wrong from right. She didn't beat me, so don't go off on telling me spanking is wrong and whatnot...I was just taught right and I knew better than to do wrong!

And for Ajescent, we tip waiters and waitresses because they do not get paid enough- I got paid $2.75 waitressing and then made up the difference in tips to just make it it minimum wage! If your waitresses and cabbies and people who do service jobs do a good job, I think you should give them a good tip!

Answer 8

Amen!! I so agree! I will not reward a my kids because they are being "Good" with a treat. I will give out hugs & Kisses freely!!!
Our kids will be great!

I find teens will not do anything these days unless a "reward" is talked about first!!!

Answer 9

To remind them they have done well and encourage them to keep up the good work. I don't reward with candy but rather a "What a great job you did in the store, I didn't have to ask you to put things back at all, that is great!"

Answer 10

Why do you reward cabbies and waiters for doing something they are PAID to do?