Any great jokes out there.....?

Question

I have been studying so much and now i need to refresh,i just think jokes would do for me.I promise I would reward you guys for each and every joke.PEACE!

Answer 1

what's green, slimy, and smells like pork?
kermit's finger
♣

Answer 2

Just read this joke:-

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian."

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later, the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian."

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

Answer 3

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my nuts inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my boys unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink!"

The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up on the bar, dropped his daks, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and he removed his balls unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up... "I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the bloody beer bottle!!"


i hope this isnt taken to be disrespectful to the death of irwin

Answer 4

This one cracks me up every time!!!
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A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a
large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and
a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.

"Hey, *****," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, nd make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up
the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with
the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry *** - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know,
for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

Answer 5

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

Answer 6

there was a blonde a brunette and a red head they got trapped on a deserted island and it was 100 miles 2 land so the brunette swims 10 miles and comes back the red head goes 20 miles and comes back then the blonde swims 50 miles and comes all the way back!

Answer 7

What does BMW stand for
Black Mans Dream
A man is walking along the beach when he sees this paralized girl sitting on the beach crying. He goes over to her and ask what wrong. She says "I've never been kissed" So he scoops her up in his arms and kisses her. Then the girl starts crying again and the guy ask again "whats wrong this time?" The girl says "I've never been fu!ked" Without a word the man scoops her up and throwes her in the ocean. "Now your fu!ked"

lighten up!

Answer 8

"The Birth of Yahoo."

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . .

And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land."

And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so." And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay, " he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!" said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.

Answer 9

2 hunters was out hunting. By an accident they shoot a muslim. When they try to move him, they discover he had 10.000$ in his jacket. The one guy said. I will help you. Lets make a hole and put him in, and then split the money.
The other guy said: F*** no way. You can go out and shoot one yourself.

Answer 10

did u hear about the dr that got lost on a ski trip?

he stamped out help in the snow but nobody could read his writing

Answer 11

Patient says, "Doctor, i had been farting silently for the last 3 days. I know it cause I could smell it everytime. Do you think you can help me cure this?". Doctor says. "Sure I can. But first, lets cure your deafness"