What do I say to my child? Serious only please.?

Question

Parents please, what do I tell my child?
My child is a teenager with moderate cognitive delay. (Mental Retardation) He always wants to know what is wrong I keep telling him everyone is different. It is so difficult because he looks "normal". but after talking to him you understand why he is in a special class, I am told that he will never be on his own.
He wants to be like other kids. He talks about driving, girls, working, reading, I am an educated person. I am not dealing with this and I do not know what to tell him. Especially when the word retard is sp prevelant. He even has a personal care aid at home. He rebells and says "I can do that "then he just stands there and he is not doing it.
I have looked on-line read books for many years. I need some advice. I can not put it off. HE IS JUST above the range where he is happily unaware. He is aware but ......can you please??

Additional Details

3 hours ago
he is painfully aware

THANK YOU We have been in therapy for 10 years. *I avoid this one issue, What do I say?? He does not have a syndrome that can be identified, although they still work on that .(DR. and genetics, neurology...) I need words I NEED THE WORDS TO SAY. He says why cant I ...I say well you can do this this and this and everyone has different strenghts etc...that does not keep him from being upset that every one in his class is visably disabled. I do' nt know. Thank you for letting me vent. Is it okay to say that you are slow, delayed and people call it retardation when many people throw the word around . "that is retatrded or gay" and it is not meant to harm someone. I do not know.

Answer 1

Honey you just have to be honest with him...tell him he's "challenged" and things don't come as easy for him as they may others. If he thinks he can do things...let him try. If he doesn't do it all the way right just say, "here, let me help you a little". Praise him and encourage him.

Answer 2

I have worked with kids just like that. whatever his cognitive level is you have to work there. Small tasks, one at a time. Give no conflicting instructions...ex-pick the shoe up and put it there. Instead get the shoe first. when he has done this tell him how well he did at it, then give next direction. He must know that he is different, but don't make it an issue. let him grow as much as he can. Handicapped children often are told they are special, or different. be more honest. tell him his brain works, just not as fast as everyone Else's. Be sure though to highlight on a strength maybe weak mind, strong artistic ability, or something. let him know what he does WELL and that is the gift he has to share, that is what makes him so special.Even retarded persons know that not being as brite as others is not special. It is something-has to be something else that makes him outstanding. If he is mildly retarded there is no reason he could not be somewhat on his own. start promoting independence wherever you can. Once he can see his own strengths he won't feel so angry about such a trivial weakness.

Answer 3

I honestly don't know what you are going through but I give you my deepest sympathies. Sometimes I am afraid that my son, who is nine months old will have a cognitive disorder, and I'm not sure how I would deal with that either. Therapy is always an option. I understand that you cannot "teach" him to do the things that he needs to do, the same way that you can "teach" other children to do the same things, but there are professionals out there that can help. I suggest counseling for yourself as well, or maybe a support group for parents with handicapped children. They can help you. You are the parent, therefore you are the rock. Granted he is a teenager, but if he is as far behind as you say he is, then you are still the rock. There are also camps and retreats for other children of your son's calibur, and that might show him, that he IS like the other kids. There is no non-painful way to tell your baby that he's different, but you can't hide it for much longer. Other kids are nasty and your son needs to know how to deal with that, and why he has to deal with that. Good luck and bright blessings.

Answer 4

Are you both in counseling? Don't think that b/c of his delays therapy can't be done as another poster mentioned play therapy can be a great outlet for people with cognitive delays. Also I imagine most of his life you've been concerned with his needs but you have to understand that your mental health is just as important. Are there support groups in your area? Maybe an online group or chat of parents with children with special needs? You need to hook up with other parents who have been there. Also remember even with delays his hormones are in overdrive and rebellion is just part of the ride.

Answer 5

My opinion is that you should be straight forward with him. You can be open and honest with him about his challenges, but you can soften the "blow" by focusing on his strengths. I'm sure that there are lots of things he can do. The more things he can do, the better he is going to feel about himself, and the more easily he's going to come to terms with his shortcomings.

And there are lots of things besides academic education that he can do. Is he good at building things? Has he tried? Can he play an instrument? Has he tried? Is he artistic at all? Has he tried? The more things he's exposed to, the better chance he'll have of finding something he likes to do that make him happy.

As for driving, girls, working, reading, well, take those as they come. If he's got the skills to drive and the state thinks he's got the reflexes to do it, great. If he doesn't, then he'll have to learn the bus routes.

And as for girls, just be there when he gets rejected. It happens to "normal" people, too. The goal for all of us is to find someone who accepts us. Most of us find that person, and lots of us don't. It's hard no matter who you are.

If he wants to work, and he's legally old enough, let him. He might find that he really likes it and it gives him a big sense of self-worth. And let him read everything he can get his hands on.

It's going to be hard, but given the opportunity to face his problem head on, he'll probably feel very empowered.

Answer 6

Wellllll, I served as an ombudmans for special needs children in our school district. Your son is VERY lucky to have you.A special child is difficult no matter what and if you are not getting counseling you need to start. The counselor at school should be able to help you with this; helping the caregiver to cope always proves advantageous to the one needing care. I would suggest some sort of group home setting for both your sakes. He will fell more self actualized and You will have some time off...the sooner you get started on this the sooner the state will provide what it is required to provide. That varies from state to state and I trust you know both your rights.Good luck and PLEASE find someone to talk to about this...it WILL help.

Answer 7

Retarded people are not necessarily helpless. Sounds like the home aide needs to allow him to do what he can by himself. He can probably hold a job in the future and maybe eventually live on his own or in a group home with others like him. Right now he is focusing on the teenage stuff...eventually it will be wanting to be a productive member of society.

You need to educate yourself on the possibilities for him. I agree with the person who said to see about a therapist for him.

Answer 8

That must be very difficult, I think that you have to be a honest as you can be as gently as you can.You say that he wants to date and do things that are kind of normal, who says that he wont.There is a movie called "Pumpkin" I don't know if it's appropriate. I remember it being a movie that was up lifting for anyone that was dealing with a child with challenges. There are some touchy moments. You may want to watch it before you watch it with your son...he gets the girl in the end, even with his challenges.

Answer 9

If he really is "painfully" aware, perhaps there is some part of him that wants to fight and work at improving his state of being. Perhaps if he worked with a qualified therapist he may be able to actually do the things he insists on doing for himself, instead of just standing not doing them.

Instead of having a care aid (that sounds like he/she does things for him instead of helping him to do them himself) perhaps you could get in touch with someone that can teach him how to focus on what he is doing.

At least you owe it to him to explain why everyone else is different and in what way. I do not suggest you do this yourself but contact a therapist that can work with him to help him understand.

Answer 10

Something that we should all realize is that no one has been gifted with everything in life. There is no one person who is perfectly intelligent, artistically or musically talented, beautiful, good personality, compassionate, and beloved.

So while your son may not have been given a perfect intellect, there is no reason that he cannot excel in other areas, such as kindness and compassion for others, as well as having a helping spirit.

Answer 11

you need to find some professional help and support group so you will learn how to handle this situation better. Explain to your child exactly what it "wrong" with him in terms he will understand. also find a professional that handles this sort of issue. his determination to do things on his own is a good sign...he just needs a bit of a jump start...seek out help for yourself and for him..it will be a tough road but i am sure the two of you will get through this..
good luck