Do u know a good joke?

Question

And don't give me links to sites just tell me what good jokes u know or heard

Answer 1

. . . only KU from Halifax . . .

Answer 2

Hi, how about his one?
A guy is stranded on a tropical island with only a dog and a pig for company. He starts getting horny, so he has to decide whether to screw the pig or the dog. He decides on the pig and, just as he mounts the pig, the dog bites his ar*e. End of sex.
That afternoon, he sees a yacht sinking near the horizon, so he swims out to see if there are any survivors. There is one survivor who happens to be a voluptuous young woman. He swims with her back to the beach where he sits and waits for her to come around from her exhaustion, whereupon she opens her eyes and looks at him sensuously and says, "Wow, big boy, you saved my life. Is there anything I can do to repay you?"
He replies, "Well, yes there is. Could you take my dog for a walk?"

Answer 3

Here are a few oldies for you that someone sent me the other day ...

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant
.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

Answer 4

This actually happened. I was selling at a flea market and the guy next to me had a remote fart box glued under his table. A little old lady (about 80 yrs. old) dropped an item on the ground. As she bent over to pick it up the guy mashed the fart button. The lady just froze for a moment, then stood upright and said,"excuse me."

Answer 5

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Answer 6

Sure!

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.!
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN ****! SIT YOUR *** DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED *** ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT **** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? --

Answer 7

Yesterday President Bush's chief adviser told him that 2 Brazilians had died in Iraq.

President Bush became very distraught and worried, so the adviser asked him what's the matter was. Bush asked the adviser "well how many, exactly, is a brazillion."

Answer 8

MAN BUYS A CHEAP BLOW UP DOLL IN A SEX SHOP. HE TAKES IT HOME AND GETS DOWN TO BUSINESS HE WAS NOT LONG STARTED WHEN HE NOTICED AIR ESCAPING AND BEFORE HE HAD FINISHED IT WAS COMPLETELY FLAT.HE STORMS BACK TO THE SHOP AND SCREAMS AT THE ASSISTANT THAT BLOW-UP DOLL I BOUGHT FOR A FIVER WENT DOWN ON ME THE ASSISTANT REPLIED IF I HAD KNOWN IT WOULD DO THAT SIR I WOULD HAVE CHARGED U AN EXTRA TENNER.

Answer 9

Wise man says, Man who goes thro airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.

Answer 10

a caucasion lady goes on vacation to jamaica and meets this tall dark handsome guy they hit it off and have a great time the spend the hole three weeks together. she has the time of her life with him then on the final day she wakes up next to him and thought i dont even know this handsom guys name so she decided to ask and he tells her ill tell you if you promise not to laugh so she agrees and he told her his name is snow she bursts out laughing histericaly and he gets angry and says i new i shouldnt have told you she apologizes and says im not laughing at you im just thinking of my husbands reaction when I tell him i got eleven inches of snow in jamaica...

Answer 11

try to understand this and it will be a good joke if you got it ,,

Man for company presents [maaykrwswft] for the work in position
Far butterflies measure opposite and the test (cleaning the ground office) expert his manager of the employment that he the consenter was complete on him, sending of upright in the tasks consoled and date direct in the work across the email. The man travels: But I do not hope you device of computer nor hopes you email!
Reply on him the manager in astonishment: From email does not possess so he other than present originally! From non existence for him so does not be true for him the work!
The man and he came out the deprived hope in the occurrence on position, thought a lot what
[e'saah] to does and he 10 dollars does not possess apart from.
After deep thought gold of the man to in place of the bee eater, and purchase of box rose in
From the tomatoes then taking moves in the residential districts and the houses pass on Grains of the tomatoes sell, and doubled head of the money succeeded in and breath repeated The operation three times until returned to sent down in breath today and he carries 60 dollar.
The man knew to be possible him the living in this method so taking breath of the work straightens in Daily early Al-Sabah comes out in and night returns.
Profits of the man started multiplies so purchase rose in
Vehicle then truck until became [ldyt] fleet from the trucks to connecting of the requests for the customers. After five Years became the man from the big resources for the nutriments in the United States.
For received security captured him the man in purchase thought policy of complete on Al-Hayat so connected in big companies complete and after negotiations settled saw him on His policy of symmetry so request from him employee of company complete to gives him his mail The electrons!
The man travels: But I do not hope you email!
Reply on him The employee in astonishment: Possession of mail Electronically and huge builder this empire succeeded in!! Imagined only that for Dick Emails. So where will be today?
The man after thought travels:
Attendant in [maaykrwswft]



girl kicker