to my secret velintine
from your only sunshine
I should have love you more in time
but instead i drank summer wine gasping at the sunshine
i clambed a masculine pine
and from it i drink its posion turpentine
then i dreamed of you
you were mine and covered in vine
on top of are pine and we were
making love in the devine sunshine
what dose everyone thing how can i make it better is it in a poem form any idea's
2006-09-06 04:12:08 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
hey there...honestly, i think the rhyming takes away the true meaning of the poem, and reduces it to a corniness [is that a word=)] of some sort. your message is beautiful, but i think perhaps focus on getting yr message across in a simple but powerful way, without the rhyme. remember peotry is not about complicating matters, you want the reader to get the message, but you also want the poem to remain true to you. simple truly is often best. i hope that yr valentine gives you the love, which you so clearly have for her. all the best=)
2006-09-08 00:33:44 · answer #1 · answered by abstract 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
try getting a thesuarus(spelling?) a lot of ur words dont make sense in the context... read famous poetry to become poetry savvy, and try to write about things that r more important or revalent to u, even if its just a poem about how u feel lookign out the window when u hear the garbage truck...
2006-09-06 04:16:42 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't make it rhyme so much, it sounds corny. Poetry should be about emotion and feelings.
try something like
Making love to you makes me hot,
I've dreamed of you,
Sweating,
Kissing,
The ripple of your muscles sends me to orgasmic heights.
Take the ideas from your poem , and add some feeling to it.
Good luck
2006-09-06 08:08:27 · answer #3 · answered by busymama 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Are you just going to keep posting this poem in various categories until you get the answers you want?
2006-09-06 04:21:45 · answer #4 · answered by LisaT 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I`ll be onest with you: the intention are good but you must work on sintetyse your rows!
2006-09-06 04:17:36 · answer #5 · answered by Jerdy 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Spelling/grammar check!!!
*Valentine
*I should have loved
*Climbed
*Poison
*Terpentine
*Dreamt
2006-09-06 04:15:40 · answer #6 · answered by ♥ Chelsea Blue ♥ 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
its ok to rhyme some, but everything with "ine"
do over.
2006-09-06 04:14:39 · answer #7 · answered by Bistro 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Seriously, don't quit your day job.
2006-09-06 04:13:16 · answer #8 · answered by Jack 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I like it.
2006-09-06 04:17:26 · answer #9 · answered by Tanya 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
your grammar is horrible.
2006-09-06 04:16:45 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋