My mother and wife have put me in the middle of a situation between the two of them.?

Question

During the stressful process of moving into a new house my mother believes that my wife slighted my much younger sister and did not take her feelings into consideration by putting out children infront of my sister. My wife however says that she didn't do what she is accused of. Neither my mother or my wife will speak to each other and I have ended up in the middle. Since both of them believe 100% that they are correct, neither will budge. I have taken the stance of just not talking to either, which puts a huge strain on my relationship with my mother and my wife, and I fear I'll end up losing both in the process. What should I do, and how do I get them to cut me from the process and deal with each other like reasonable adults.

During the stressful process of moving into a new house my mother believes that my wife slighted my much younger sister and did not take her feelings into consideration by putting out children infront of my sister. My wife however says that she didn't do what she is accused of. Neither my mother or my wife will speak to each other and I have ended up in the middle. Since both of them believe 100% that they are correct, neither will budge. I have taken the stance of just not talking to either, which puts a huge strain on my relationship with my mother and my wife, and I fear I'll end up losing both in the process. What should I do, and how do I get them to cut me from the process and deal with each other like reasonable adults.

I suppose I should clarify some. My kids are 4 and 2, my sister is 9. The whole sitch is over my kids being given candy and my sister not. My wife states she told my sis to get some, my mother who was in the room says that wasn't the case.

I have by the way talked to both and explained that they need to talk with each other. As stated, both are being stubborn and bull-headed. I do love my wife and know that it takes forcing her hand to get her to take actions. My mother is the same way. I know they both don't want me hurt as they have both expressed that, but neither of them will do anything beyond that. Family is important to me, both parents and spouse/children. To me there must be a middle road to work this out, since it is all because of a small thing like candy.

Answer 1

First and foremost, your first responsibility is to your wife and kids. If your wife has slighted your sister, why did she have to apologise to your mom? She must apologise to your sister.

Secondly, your wife will always put her children first before anyone elses. I don't see anything wrong with it. If she didn't offer a candy to your sister, it could be an oversight or maybe your mom didn't hear her telling your sister to help herself.

Thirdly, if your mom and wife won't talk with each other, leave them be but try to have good communication with both of them without trying to force them to apologise to each other.

I think your mom is being too sensitive. Is your sister bother about it or does she also says that your wife didn't offer her any. Talk with your sister and find out who's telling the truth.

Be level headed but offer your wife your support.

Good luck and pray it'll blow over.

Answer 2

Well for one thing, riding the rail on this one is not a good idea. You are being just as bad as they are by ignoring them. First off, you have to live with your wife, not your mother. You need to decide if you think the situation is being blown out of proportion by both, or if your mother took exception to it and your wife honestly didn't mean to, which is what it sounds like. Not too sure what you mean by 'putting out children in front of your sister', however. If you are saying your wife put your children first, then I would say I really hope so, as your family should come first, even over your mother. But if it was something else, then it sounds like your wife just made some comment that your mother took offense to, and you need to support your wife. Your mother will probably take some time to get over it, but she might lighten up if you try instead to explain it was not intentional. You should know your wife well enough to be able to stand up for her as well.
As far as you loosing anyone..at this point if you loose your wife, that will be your own fault really. Don't mean to sound cruel, but that is the truth.
With them dealing with eachother, that is something they are going to have to work out. It would be best for your wife to simply tell her that it was not intentional, and possibly even go to your sister, who may just be involved in the problem as well, and explain to your sister that she meant no harm.
Good luck.

Answer 3

Are you crazy? I don't mean to insult you, but that is your wife? You married her and I assume that you vowed to forsake all others during the ceremony. You cannot make them deal with eachother rationally. What you can do is assess the situation. Your mother is accusing that your wife pur your children in front of your sister? If I am reading this correctly, then even if your wife is guilty as accused then her actions are reasonable. Any mother would consider her children before someone else's. It's a motherly thing to do. Which is why your mother is upset, however it is your mother's responsibility to put your sister in front of yours not the other way around. I don't understand your question. It seems as if your mother is the one being unreasonable.

Honestly, if I were your wife, you wouldn't have to speak to me b/cuz i would take our kids and haul a**. The only thing that you can do is to assess the situation and speak to both of them; just not about the situation. Tell your mother that if she cannot understand then it is something she will have to take up with your wife. Tell your wife that she needs to take it up with your mother. Tell them both that you are not in the middle of it. And act as if nothing has happened. If you cannot clearly pick a side and stick to it, then tell them that YOU WILL NOT PICK A SIDE. But don't make your wife feel as if you are choosing not to speak to her because she has upset your mother. That's a childisn thing to do. A momma's boy thing to do even!

Answer 4

Well they are adults and maybe it was a misunderstanding but neither wants to admit that they might be wrong, its hard for someone to deal with a in-law. Beings shes your wife and shes your mother, it is your responsibility to deal with your mother. Not your wifes. Ignoring the two of them will not help. Talk to your mom and see if something can be fixed, then talk to your wife and try to reason with her and let her know that it was probably just a big misunderstanding and its no big deal. Let it go and move on, Someone has to be the hero and obviously the women are stubborn which MOST are lol so try to talk with both of them and see what can be done :) GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 5

I would remind your wife that she is the adult there and your sister is only 9. Sometimes, children doesn't always hear what is being said to them, especially by adults. Your mother feels very strong that your wife didn't offer your sister any candy and if this is the first time that this has happened, I would side with your mother. Your wife should apologize to your sister (just because she is the adult) and try to make up for what happened with your mom.

Answer 6

If your mother really loves you, eventually she should realize that your wife comes first, whether she is right or wrong. Your mother will always be your mother, but, this can start a line of problems in the future which can cause a divorce. Support your wife. That's a start. Let your wife know that she has your support then that might cool her down first and maybe you can talk her into making a neutral solution with your mother. But at least one of the 2 partys has to be cooled down first.

Answer 7

Support your wife first. Talk to your wife about the situation in a non-confrontational manner and listen to how she thinks the situation can be resolved. Approach the situation with your mother as a team and do not let yourself get drawn into the drama.

Of course your wife should put your children first - they're your children. This is natural and normal. Your wife would be a poor parent if she didn't do this.

Answer 8

Your wife is your wife. You took her as your partner in life for better or worse. Its that simple. Your mother is being unreasonable to expect you to choose her over your wife. If she was in the same position, she would choose her husband. And if you are moving into a new house for you, your wife and your children, then nothing else should be anyone elses business. If your sister feels slighted for some reason, then she needs to take care of that. If your wife put your childrens needs or wants in front of your sister, then she did what every other mother in the owrld would do. She is just being a mother, she is right !!!!! Your mother will just have to get over it. If she can't understand that, then that is her problem to facce, not yours or your wifes. You took vows, and your wife deserves you to honor them.

Answer 9

This sounds so petty that it doesn't even make sense. First of all, your mother needs to butt out. If there was a problem with the younger sister, she should have addressed it with your wife, not your mother. It is your place to set the boundaries with your mother and tell her what is and is not allowed where your wife is concerned. You can not remain neutral. It is the coward's way out and it won't resolve the problem. When they are ready to talk with each other they will, otherwise they can choose not to have a relationship with one another. Let them know, (after you have set boundaries) that you do not want to be included in their drama and that they will need to resolve their conflict without your involvement.

Answer 10

your mother will always love you no matter what you are not going to lose her but you wife on the other hand you should def work on that relationship even a normal marriage with no stress or strains requires work so you should def start to dialog with your wife find out her point of view and find a way past this and your mother will eventually come around they may not like each other but you will have both back in your life. and it wont help to involve your sister and your wife with each other down the road if your mom sees your sis get past this she may get over it as well