My sister is "engaged" to her exboyfriend who also happens to already be married and now she wants?

Question

me to help her plan the wedding! I absolutely hate this guy and thinks he's using her ..AGAIN! She's 37 and he's the only guy she's ever dated ( he's 50 and they were apart for 10 yrs until about 4 months ago When they were together before he stole credit cards and money from a joint account. He saw that she had low self esteem, was overweight and lonely and used her til there was nothing else he could take. And what takes the cake is that he is one of those ppl that go to church all the time and act high and mighty b/c of it AND he's teaching a class on sexual purity! All the while he has a mistress that he doesn't even try to hide! Technically he's separated but his family thinks he's divorced. The lies and deception around this relationship make me physically ill. But so my question is this...she wants me to help plan their wedding (to take place next year) I don't want to b/c of the situation (I think it's just wrong) What would you do in my situation?

BIg B I agree about being engaged that's why I put "engaged"...lol
And yeah it is Jerry Springer all the way!...LOL

John Q...she's been in therapy for 10 yrs b/c of this guy and the devastation he caused before. Her therapist told her that he didn't know if he could talk with her anymore since she's gone back to him and referred her to someone else!

Answer 1

Nope - don't help her. Tell your sister you love her and that you want her to be happy. And because of this, you can not foster a relationship that is emotionally, physically and mentally unhealthy. You support her as her sister, but you do not support the relationship. Helping to plan a wedding between two people that CLEARLY do not belong together is just dangerous. And she may "hate" you for a while, but this woman has got to see that this "man" is not worth her time.

At 37 she should be mature enough to see the situation for what it is. Clearly this "man" has abused her for far too long and she has lost herself along the way. I'm so sorry for this crappy situation!!!!

Answer 2

You can not control or change what other people do only how you react to them. This guy sounds like real bad news for anyone who comes in contact with him. You and probably everyone else knows this, but your sister can't/won't see it. I am sure you have told your sister how you feel. But, if not, she is old enough to hopefully be mature enough to listen to you even though she won't agree with you. Stick to the facts and be as non-judgmental as possible (it'll be hard). Support your sister and help her when she asks for it. If this guy is still married they will not be able to get married so helping her plan won't hurt anything. Don't give her money, just help her out. Meanwhile, is it possible to help her raise her self-esteem? Can you encourage her to do some volunteer work or take some classes? Stay away from bars, but if you can get her out more, she'll meet more people and just maybe meet some new people. If you have the resources, maybe join a health facility together or just walk together. It sounds like you are a good sister who really cares about her. Do what you can for her, you may be the only one who can be there for her when she is hurt by this guy again.

Answer 3

This girl is in for a heart break. 1 he is still married 2 he stole her credit cards
She is in love and blind to anything you might say. get a friend someone she doesn't know to get the guy interested in her and surprise your sister with what is going on. Lets say set up a dinner date of course you will know where to show up with your sister to have her see him with someone else. If they are kissing she will hate him then you will not have to plan a wedding. For now go along with helping her plan a wedding that will never happen. She is your sister after all and you are just looking out for her best interest.

Answer 4

Talk to her about it.

Also, be the sister she needs right now. She's 37 and probably thinks that this guy is the best she's ever going to find. It's not that she really thinks that, but she's scared of dying alone.

What you need to do is not necessarily call him a jerk. Don't attack her choices. Point out that he IS still married, and that there is no garuantee that he will leave his wife; there's no promise that he will get a final divorce. Point out that his bad habits aren't just going to pass.

Give her time. Listen to her. Be the head to cry on. You can't just change her mind, but you can be there for her as a friend.

Answer 5

No way this one is going to have a happy ending....if it were me, I would tell her flat out: until this guy's divorce is final, there's no possibility of her marrying him, so trying to plan out a wedding would be an exercise in futility. She can't even set a date until he actually files for divorce and she knows when he'll be free and clear to marry again; and all the preparations and reservations are going to be contingent on having that date...

Beyond that, just step back, and support your sister, even if you can't support her choices. No matter how it may pain you, don't say anything bad about her slime of a boyfriend -- because when push comes to shove, she's going to choose him over you and cut ties with anyone who tells her she's wrong, even though her relationship with this guy will implode sooner or later...

Answer 6

She's an adult, with the right to make her own decisions, no matter how poor they are.

Regardless of how you feel about this situation, and how you know this is a bad move of her to make - she's still your sister, and she does want you to be there for her.

So, all you can do is be there for her. Someday she'll need a strong arm when this wonderful prize of a man stomps her back into the ground.

Answer 7

I would refuse. No way in hell would i want to be a part of her little lie. Sounds like she likes drama waaay to much. And I would tell her as much and tell her whatever else my mind has to say about it. Im sure you have had 4 or more months to think about this so im sure you have a few choice words to say. I think you should continue to say them to her and say things like "you can do so much better" and "dont you feel like you deserve better?"
I think you should also go to Dontdatehimgirl.com and post him up as a cheater for the world to see. Put up a picture of him (im sure your sis has one she wont miss) and then you can show your sister and maybe even tell his family (if you know any contact information) so they would know the truth too. I would also go as far as accusing him of cheating while he is teaching his class but that is just me. Ive been told im a dream killer lol.

Good luck. I hope she doesnt marry him.

Answer 8

If it was me, I would stick as close to her as I could. She obviously can't see this guy for what he is on her own.

First, I would take her to a lawyer without telling her why we were going. I would have the lawyer explain to her that her marriage wouldn't be legal since his other one has not been finalized with a divorce. I would have the paperwork there to back it up. It's called bigamy, and in some places, it's a felony. Check state laws for how the crime is punishable.
http://usmarriagelaws.com/
http://usmarriagelaws.com/search/united_states/polygamy/index.shtml

Then I would take her to the counselor that her first recommended. Since she is still hung up on this looser, maybe a new opinion could get her to see past whatever she thinks is so great about him, but I doubt it.

Then I would tell her to have pre-marital counseling with this man. Maybe her clergy can point out all the reasons that there is no way for a wedding to take place before his first is finalized.

If the statute of limitations hasn't run out, call the law on his sorry butt for credit card fraud. It doesn't matter if she won't press charges herself, if he used her cards and you can prove it, that's jail time. Again, it's a felony. Tell her to get a free credit report to make sure that she can get married without any financial problems. Get a copy for yourself and take it to the police. Tell them that this man stole her credit cards and here are his fraudlent charges. Maybe a few months or years apart can help smarten her up.
https://www.annualcreditreport.com/cra/index.jsp

I would sign us both up for exercise class together. Maybe a better outside could help with her inner self esteem. Having a buddy to diet and exercise with increases her chances of success by anywhere from 50-100%. I would also take her out shopping, get a free makeover, or anything I could to improve her self image.
Get her involved with things with you. If you have friends that won't mind, drag her along when you go out. Make sure she isn't sitting at home alone. Don't give her the chance to fall back on him for company. Be there instead as much as you can. Encourage her to sign up for classes and activities in her town and at local events. Even her church would offer things for her to do without him along. Try the YWCA, YMCA, the city sponsered activities, etc...

If after all that she was still set on marrying him, then I would stick close by while she planned. I wouldn't assist, but I would be there to talk to her at every chance I got about all the reasons this won't be legal. Never mind what a scum this guy is, she won't see it until she is ready. Talk to each vendor about the legality of hireing their services for what is an illegal wedding. They probably won't take the job.

Yes, it's sabotage. But I would rather have my sister mad at me than see her in a relationship with a man like that.

Answer 9

Did you talk to her about this? Well you should, But if it is too late i don't know what to say. But if i will be you i will tell my opinion to her in front of him. I will remain to him what ever he did to her in past. And i will ask him how sure he won't do it to her again? But there is one thing important she has to have mind to think about the words i said . If she don't like to accept my opinion simply i will start to worry about her. And i will be with her where ever she need my help. Because she already low self esteem person, If i left her alone he may start to dominate her worse. I don't wanna my sister leave alone. I will be morally and physically help her when ever she need me. Because she is my sister. She is one of the valuable person in my life.

Answer 10

Run the other way as fast as you can!! You don't need to be a part of a train-wreck.

Your sister is a big girl. Let her plan her own wedding to this loser.