I need a good joke on the subject of marriage please?

Question

I have searched many of the joke sites but would like something new. Thanks!

Answer 1

What is the longest sentence that can be given??

'i do'

Answer 2

Why get maried shoot him, you'll get off quicker.

Three men all died on the same day and went to heaven. St Peter said to them the only way to get transport up there and to get around is to answer a simple question. How many times have you chested on your wife. The first guy was proud to say never Peter I was as faithful as you can be I loved my wife dearly...St Peter said that's fantastic here are the keys to your Porshe. The second guy answers and says I am sorry to admit once. St peter says you seem as though you really are sorry so you can have a ford corsa and he hands over the keys. The third guy said oh Peter I cheated on my wife at least 20 times, all those secretary's I was like a child in the candy store. St Peter says thats awful, your poor wife, ok you can have a beetle as it is like you a low down bug. The three guys meet up next week near the waterfall and the first guy was crying, the other two guys asked what was wrong and he replied i've just seen my wife and she was on rollerskates.

Answer 3

1)Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

2) It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them get MARRIED!

3) They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.

4)After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was
a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear,
but I was in love and didn't notice it."

5) Q: What did the banana say to the dildo?
A: What the hell are you shaking for shes going to eat me?

6)Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?
Wife to Husband: I'm looking for a loophole

7)Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen

8) This couple were married for 67 years.
The husband was asked ; if in all those years had they ever thought of divorce.
"Heavens no" he replied.
Murder yes, but never divorce.

9) A man was speaking to God.
"God, why did you make women so beautiful?" he asked.
God said: "I did that to make you love them".
Then the man asked: "Well, God; why did you make them such good cooks?"
God said: "I did that to make you love them".
The man then asked: "But God, why did you make women so stupid?".
God said: "I did that to make them love you ! "

10) A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12
times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at
their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that
at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He
asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire
marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never
quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would
send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that
everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know
the old saying-'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew
he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be
able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood
the basic process but needed three years to research, implement,
and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew
how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me
that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had
the product. he just wasn't sure how to position it.

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do
was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted
to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted
to do was . . .-God I miss him!

So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that," asked the lawyer.

"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know
I'm going to get screwed this time!

Answer 4

Two young virgins were about to be wed by an arranged marriage. The young man was concerned about what to do with his wife after the ceremony so he went to his father for advice. Being a very religious man, he was reluctant to go into details so he told his son "Remember that thing you used to play with when you were a boy? Put it where she pee-pees and that's how children are made." On the wedding night - the groom took a baseball with him to the hotel room and threw it into the toilet.

It always made my friends laugh or at least smile. Hope it works for you.

Answer 5

A Week away from Wedding Day ***

Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. "Ere Mabel as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said Bert.

Mabel's answer as expected was "No Bert it's only 6 days to go however you can have a look at your prize".

The next night Bert again pesters Mabel . Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow I'll let you have a little feel of your prize".

It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself. Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize".

Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air "Cor Mabel. Do you think it will keep till Saturday"!!

Answer 6

heres one, if you dont get it at first, think about the size of the objects!:

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.

"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.

That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"

"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."

Answer 7

**Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery.
After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by.
So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, "Why did you do that?"

The man replies, "Well we were married for almost 40 years - It's the least I could do.

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**A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

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**A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.

Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving."

Answer 8

Men are like...
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against
Marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....
1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Answer 9

Marriage is a wonderful institution.

Unfortunately, I'm not ready for an institution.

Answer 10

There's a substance which can lower a woman's sex drive by 90%



It's called wedding cake!

Answer 11

i read a quote in the readers digest by a woman which said

'why does a woman spend her life trying to change her man and then complain that hes not the man she married?!!'