His sister is studying at college and staying with us and a few months ago she met a guy and fell in love. He is from the same religion and is over here studying also. She told me about it and i was ok about saying nothing as i thought she was going to tell her family in August when she was in India but she only told her mum and her sister and noone has any intentions of telling her dad or her brother until the guy in question is in a position to make it official, meaning 2 or 3 years away once he has finished his studying and has a job. I have been helping her a lot so she can meet him as my hubby is very protective. He convienently forgets he didnt even marry from his own religion or even from his country but thats men for you, do as i say not as i do!!!
Anyway, i dont feel comfortable keeping this secret. She got upset last night and she said does this mean she cannot trust me with anything? if she was just my friend it would be easier but it can damage my marriage in the process.
2006-09-05 21:51:53 · 28 answers · asked by DKG 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Nottingham man is right. There is no telling how he will react and might well threaten to throw her out and possibly threaten the guy. When he loses it he has no common sense. I think i know the best way to tell him but there is no way to avoid the fallout, wether its big or small, there will be tension.
2006-09-05 22:01:23 · update #1
He wouldnt actually throw her out, just threaten to. He says things in the heat of the moment but so can we all. I had already told her when she came back in August that i wouldnt help her to see him anymore but then i ended up doing it again. I think i will stop for good this time. It will come out in other ways as i know she has been seen out with him by people we know so its just a matter of time. I think it would be worse that way but as most people think, its out of my hands.
2006-09-05 22:11:20 · update #2
i would keep quite if i were you. She has told her mum and if her mum agrees to keep quiet for the time being then I wouldn't worry about it. But with regards to your hubby. Tell your sister in law that you wont say anything but she must not get you involved anymore. If she wants to carry on seeing her boyfreind then she must do so without your help. It isnt fair for you to be put in this situation.
2006-09-05 22:01:07 · answer #1 · answered by cazz 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
TAKE THIS AS SOMEONE WHO KNOWS!
I went to college in leicester, alot of people know that it has a very high indian population, my friend had the same thing but someone told her family, she was then immediately sent to live with an aunt in India, on a permanent basis. The lad she was seeing was beaten up badly (he was such a gentle lad too) and nobody saw her (or him) again.
Its not for us to judge others religions, which I know you're not, but others on here are. It may seem odd to us, but thats the way people are.
I would explain to her your predicament and say that she at least needs to tell your husband, either that or keep you well out of it. You don't want to risk your marriage.
A little background that may help you, I am actually half indian and half white, i grew up without a dad because his family threw a strop. Back then i guess it was slightly unorthodox though.
2006-09-05 22:02:47 · answer #2 · answered by keiraebony 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i know what you mean... but i don't think this situation can harm your marriage the way you think it can...
i'm indian (in uk) and believe me i know what she means.. all she wants is the guy to be financially independent and, in ur hubby's eyes, capable of taking care of her for life... it won't really be an issue 2-3 yrs on from now from either of the men.. it won't matter.. and u can always tell her that for u keepin her secret, she better shut up and keep away the fact that u ever knew. for all u know, it won't even last the full 2-3 yrs...
if u tell now, u may ruin everythin for her and ruin the relations with the family, in the sense that they may all be against u.. at the end of the day, she's taken his mum into confidence - and i'm sure his mum knows how to handle her son a liiiiiil better
2006-09-05 21:58:08 · answer #3 · answered by conspicuous 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is totally unfair of her to expect you to keep secrets from your husband especially when you are allowing her to stay in your home.
You need to tell her that she must at least tell her brother else you will. At the end of the day the trust and respect you have with your partner should always take precedence over other loyalties for your sake and his.
You could always get her to pretend this relationship has 'just started' then your husband needn't know of your involvement.
I fully understand the pressures of religion and relationships .. never easy so good luck!
2006-09-05 21:59:28 · answer #4 · answered by enzuigiriuk 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well Deisy, from the look of things you are really in a difficult situation. But the best way out of it as i saw it is to try and make your sister in-law see reason in sharing her life and all what it takes together with her brother, by doing that she should know that she is solving half of her problems even before they emerge. You should strenghten her up and at the same time groom your husband to be more receptive to whatever may come up from his sister with the view of addressing it. By doing this you are uniting the two parties together in comprehending to any issue that may arise not even the present one. Good luck wishes you all the best.
2006-09-05 22:08:35 · answer #5 · answered by Ibrahim S 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If i was you i would sit her down and tell her how much pressure you are under by keeping this secret from your husband. She needs to know that in the process of you keeping this from your husband that you could reck your own marriage if for what ever reason she did get 'found out' and it comes out that you new all along. And if she still doesn't understand then you need to tell her that you are just not happy and need to tell your husband.
She needs to learn that she has to stand up fir herself and you never know her dad and brother ( your husband) maybe ok with this and actually like him?
Good luck and let me know how you get on. x
2006-09-05 22:00:56 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont think you should say anything. Say to her that you will keep her secret but you dont want to know anymore. Tell her that you love your husband too much to disprespect him. That you dont want to lose him over something that is out of your control. Ask her does she respect your feelings and how he would react to you if he found out you had been keeping a secret from him. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable to continue in this way and that if she wants to continue then she must go it alone. She has told her mom and now it is out of your hands and in the hands of her family.
2006-09-05 22:02:26 · answer #7 · answered by MissBehave 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your sister-in-law did NOT have the right to endanger your marriage by asking you to keep a secret from your husband. It is YOUR marriage, and it comes FIRST. Do what is right in your marriage. If that turns out to be bad for your sister-in-law and her boyfriend, it will maybe the fault of your husband, and very probably the fault of your sister-in-law, but CERTAINLY NOT your fault.
Trying to work out what is right and wrong by the consequences of what you decide is a useless guessing game, and too easy to guess wrong. You don't need to start. Your husband comes before your sister-in-law, and she should have known that before she let you into this.
2006-09-05 23:52:05 · answer #8 · answered by bh8153 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband is a two faced male chauvenist pig.
Protective? I think the word you are looking for would be domineering.
And why does it matter this guy is from the same religion?
Surely that is racist?
Tell her she is living in a free country, and that means exactly that, she is free, free to do what she wants. Of course within british laws.
edit
the answer below, doesnt anyone else realise that this is against the law AND against OUR basic humanitarian rights. Why should people like this be allowed to behave like this in britain? The answer is they shouldnt!
im an expat living abroad, and i respect the rules here, i expect foreigners to respect the rules in my country, if you dont want to do that, simple answer is move to where the culture suits your type/race/religion, but DONT try and change what is NOT yours to change and abide by the laws within the country you live in!
2006-09-05 22:02:01 · answer #9 · answered by Juan Kassoff 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I don't think you need to tell her father if her mother and sisters already know. They are the ones who would have an obligation to your father-in-law. You do want to be sure to not let her get in a position where you will be blamed. Don't cover for her if she is going to have sex because if she gets caught, it will come back on you. You may need to give her a little sex ed and possibly even take her to a contraceptive clinic, depending what she already knows and does. If she gets pregnant, the family will surely blame you.
2006-09-05 21:59:11 · answer #10 · answered by Kuji 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋