Regarding my 5 yr old daughter?

Question

I cant control my five year old daughter, she hits me kicks me all the time, and calls me bad names, curses all the time, she bounces off the walls constantly, We moved three hours away from where we orginally lived, and she went to pre-k school, and now shes in Kindergarten, she comes home everyday telling me that she hates this school. Two weeks ago, she lost her papa, and they were very close. She is having a hard time dealing with it,
I spanked her twice tonight, and her father walked and told me to not do that, but he does it to her, but i cant do anything. I dont understand. I am not sure what to do with her, any suggestions? She like resents me. Since we moved away she has gotten bad, she I just move back to where we were, she misses her friends, has anyone ever been through this, if so, please give me some advice.
Thanks

Answer 1

First, you and hubby need to come to agreement about being a team in this... your daughter has to know that she can not play one against the other and that the two of you are united in her upbringing. I would also see if there is a licensed child therepist in your area for your daughter to speak to. She is obviously upset, but young children often can't verbalize what is bothering them. Sometimes they strike out in these ways out of pure frustration and the feeling that they have no power or control. I am not one ot tell a parent not to spank, but if you do it in anger as a reaction to her anger, she learns nothing. Try another punishment such as time outs where she has to be totally silent (these should onlye about five minutes long since she is five), removal of favorite toys for one or two days (much longer becomes irrelevant to children this age) and even restriction from a favorite activity or TV program. She needs to see that there are consequences for her actions. A chore chart sometimes helps here because it is right in front of her that if she doesn't mind or do her chores, she doesn't get a reward (trip to the park, zoo, new toy etc). I have one where my son earns tokens for each chore he does and he can redeem them for the things he ikes to do most. A few last things... check her eating habits. Is she eating a couple of good meals each day? Is she loading up on sugar and/or caffine? If yes, adjust her foods to a healthier balance. Is she getting enough sleep? If necessary, set up a bed time routine and stick to it. Any changes will take time, but most kids benefit from a stable balanced routine because they come to know what to expect and there are no suprises.

Answer 2

She lost Papa two weeks a go? And moved?
That would a bit much on an adult. My girly is 11. We lost Grampy the first day of summer vacation in June. We had a few rough times; she eventually told me she was so sad it started to feel like being mad, and she wanted somebody else to feel bad too. I guess she wanted someone to feel bad with her. So we talked about Grampy and cried for awhile.
Your girl isn't old enough to figure this out, and at 5, she probably doesn't have the language skills to explain it anyway.
Give her a break; this is still new. Give her opportunities to talk about all this, let her draw pictures for Papa, take her to his grave so she can visit. Let her call her friends if possible. How would like to be traumatized and not be able to talk to your friends?
We also went through a period of wild behavior after Grammy died when she was three. Anything that didn't appeal to her resulted in her sitting down and screaming. You obviously can't allow the wild behavior. We did time outs; you need to let her know that you understand how she feels, but it's not a license to be as rude as she wishes. It took me an hour to make mine believe that she was going to sit on her bed. She'd get up, I'd put her back. And I did not get angry, which was not easy. She got to where she'd tell me she needed a minute and go to her room and calm herself down. It's time consuming, and yes, I did work.
Stop spanking her for now; your just adding to her stress. And one at a time on the discipline.
You didn't say if she always acts out or saves it just for you.
There's a lot of information available about children and grief.

Answer 3

My daughter was left fatherless at four and half years old. he took his own life. I have had very stressful times and very happy times with her. She is twenty now, but still she can be positively evil and take out all her hurt on me. I took her to counseling when she was six years old because I did not think I could cope anymore. That did seem to help for a while, but at the end of the day these little people have their very own personalities and we have to make them feel as loved and wanted as possible. I would in the first instance try some form of counseling, set very straight ground rules and border lines do not give in to her tantrums but always be there with the love and hugs. Children will always make new Friends, you may have to help a little with perhaps bbq's, sleepovers, days out etc, but it should not take her long to find new pals to play with.Let her get on with her life, all you can do is try and guide her.

Answer 4

Sit down with your husband and you both should have a talk on how to approach this situation together. You must agree on the same things. otherwise you will confuse the poor child. Sounds to me like she is Actually craving some sort of attention but she doesn't really know how to express it. Kids can be influenced very easily by the ones they look up to. You and her dad. Always set a good example for her. You need to set guildelines for her to follow, and consequences when she get's out of hand, but again you and your husband must follow each other in this process be stern, and pray and trust the lord to guide you through this time of trial for you all. May god bless you.

Answer 5

Start with a doctor's visit. If you are not offered good resources there, go to another doctor.

She needs you to get her some help just as surely as if she had a broken bone.

Respect that there is a reason she's behaving this way, even if you can't figure out what it is, and it's not because she's bad.

Get onto your state's CHILDREN'S HEALTH INSURANCE PROGRAM if you need to. Every state has one. Available to families earning as much as $36,200 a year (for a family of four) it can pay for testing, counseling or other help she needs. Here's a link.

http://www.cms.hhs.gov/LowCostHealthInsFamChild/02_InsureKidsNow.asp#TopOfPage

Answer 6

This would be a time to show compassion and love. It sounds like she isn't just acting out, she is actually having problems with her feelings. She doesn't know how to show her feelings properly and be open about it. Sometimes with a child it can come out in a weird way. You have to show them how to show their feelings in a normal, productive way. If we don't show our children how to deal with these things they won't ever know how.

If you show her as much love as you can, but still be stern with her, she can show love back. Set her down and ask her what is bothering her. How do you feel inside? Sad? Happy? Angry all the time? Maybe it would be a good idea to ask her to tell you her feelings on a regular basis. Maybe she could try to do that instead of acting out and cursing.

It sounds like she needs to focus her attention on other things when she gets this way. Such as, if she is sad maybe she should have a habit of watching a funny movie? Or if she is angry maybe she can color, watch a happy movie, talk about something fun you all did as a family? She needs to take her feelings and redirect them. She needs your guidance to do that.

I also liked the idea of her speaking to a doctor that could help.

Answer 7

Try talking to your daughter. Find some things in the local area that are very interesting to her to do. Speak to the teacher and see if you can sit in her class with her from time to time along with bring something special when you come like graham crackers or whatever she suggests. Tell her if she gets to know them then she can invite the ones she likes to a slumber party or to her birthday party. Talk to her about Papa and let her go see him where he is buried along with take something very nice to put at his grave I did this with Kyla because she suffered a long time. We took to her Granny Cindy her babysitter for many years a small plastic figurine doggy to put by her grave that looked like her doggie she had when she babysat Kyla. Also flowers etc. I let her pick out silk and help me clean the gravesite. We have not gone for a long time. Kyla use to remind me we needed to go but I guess we both got over grieving about loosing a dear friend. Cindy was my friend and she babysat my sisters grandaughter Kyla. Kyla's mother tried not to talk about it to not upset her. But we faced it together and talked about it. I think it helped both of us we decided she is in heaven watching us and her two boys still.

Answer 8

get thee to a counselor. Do you or your husband curse? Where did she learn those words? Spanking is not very effective. It teaches her to hit. [kicking and hitting you]. Children are vulnerable to the self fulfilling prophecy--for instance if you say "you are such a good girl" she will do her best to be the good girl. If you say "I hate you" "you are so bad", she will do her best to live that out. She' thinking if Mama says I'm bad it must be true.
Counseling. Counseling.

Answer 9

sit her down and talk to her... and if she keeps up with the bad language put soap in her mouth and instead of whipping her( it doesnt bother her apparently) stick her in the corner and make her stand on her tippie toes for 5 MIn(b/c she is 5) with her arms out to her side and she can touch the wall... my dad did to me when i was little and i used it on my nephews instead of spankings b/c that wasnt helping and it has helped A LOT!!! good luck

Answer 10

counselling to cope with her loss. No spanking but try time outs and take away favourite toys and try taking all colours and preservatives out of her diet. Maybe one of these are setting her off