I think this was rude...or am I wrong?

Question

I was invited to a party by a good friend. The party was a casual event but catered. Another friend who is not as close wiht the friend having the party asked to come along with me a week after the RSVP had to be in. I asked the friend having the party if she could come. The first friend said ok. The second friend did not come to the party. She only called (left a message) and said she wouldn't be able to make it and didn't say why. When my friend asked me why the 2nd friend wasn't there I couldn't give a good answer.

Do you think the 2nd friend should apologize and/or give an explanation? to me? to the 1st friend?

I told the 2nd friend that they should because what they did was rude and disrespectful? Am I wrong?

Answer 1

You know your friend and her usual behaviour. If this was not how she normally behaves then I am sure she had really good reasons for not explaining. If on the other hand this is the normal way that she treats those around her, then start to give her a wide berth.
If you expressed yourself clearly and politely then you should put it all behind you and regard it as one of life's small hiccups. Something you won't remember this time next year.
If on the other hand you vented because you had been embrassed and that is what is really killing you now; tell the second friend that you are sorry if you in your turn were rude. It was just your embarrasment factor talking. You will feel better about yourself and that is what really counts.
Throughout life people will mange to make us look like clods but it passes. And if we do it to others we have to learn to say" Look I am really sorry I messed up". Then walk away from it.

Answer 2

okay- way over processing this one.

Friend #1 Call her and thank her for the wonderful party. IF she asks again about the event- only then offer the explanation that you were stood up at the last minute, just got a message on the answering machine as you were on your way out to the event. . You were embarrassed and didn't know what to say, since she was kind enough to invite you both. Let it go-then.

And- Mail a real card ( no e-cards)
Send a Thank you card, hand written to her~ that is always a great formal way to show appreciation. Shows you care and have class as well.

Friend #2- Let it go. Your feelings were hurt, not the hostess.
Live and learn. Don't invite her to anymore events-For real. Forgive her and move on.

If you must say something, " You really hurt my feelings and I felt it was rude of you to just "no show" with a vague phone call." I would not treat you that way and I would expect the same from my friends when I went to such lengths to include you in the plans. Drop it at that point. She will apologize if she means it, or not.

If she keep bringing it up- remind her, that you consider her feelings when making plans. Those actions are her feeling guilty for hurting and disappointing you. Release her, with I forgive you, yet I'm not likely to forget being embarrassed as easily.

Answer 3

I think both you and the second friend acted rudely, although the second friend does bear more responsibility and should definitely apologize.

The second friend was initially rude by requesting to come to the party with you. If she did not receive an invitation, even if you were permitted to bring a guest (which you did not indicate in the question), it was rude of her to invite herself.

Then you continued her rudeness by asking one week after the RSVP date if the second friend could come. The second friend knew it would be rude to invite herself - so she had you do her dirty work for her.

And obviously, the second friend was rude to both of you when she failed to show for the party that she had invited herself to. And it is always bad etiquette to respond or to give excuses by message, because answering machines/voicemail may not always be reliable. You should always at least let the host/hostess know personally whether or not you can be there.

I believe you owe the host/hostess of the party an apology for your slip in manners (either for the delayed RSVP, if guests were allowed, or for the delayed RSVP and for inviting another to the party, if you were not invited to bring a guest). And I believe the second friend owes both you and the host/hostess an apology for such wretched behavior.

Answer 4

She simply uninvited herself the way she invited herself its that simple. All you had to do when you were ask why she did not attend was to say "she left me a message stating she can no longer attend" or "she could not come for personal reasons".

You cannot not take things like that personally. The reality is you cannot control anyone but yourself and you are not responsible for her and what she does, her action is not a reflection on you but on her. The fact of the matter is the party was by invitation only. It was great of you to respect your other friend who was throwing the party enough to ask rather than just show up with an uninvited guess. The other thing is you could have simply respected the invitation only invite and told your friend whom invited herself "I am sorry but the is by invitation only and catered specifically for invited guess. If she had objections you could have told her to take it up with the host of the party.

Answer 5

I do think that friend #2 should appologize. Friend #1 probably had to make adjustments to the catering to accomodate an extra person. #2 should have at least gave some kind of notice. I do believe an apology is in order. Both to you and to #1. You deserve an apology for vouching for someone who was obviously very rude.

Answer 6

I think if you RSVP that you'll be at *any* party and then don't show, an apology or at least an acknowledgment is in order. Either by you or your friend to the host/ess.

If it's just a "throw together casual" party, then no apology necessary.

Answer 7

The second friend should have given you both a reasonable explanation of why she was unable to attend and her apologies. I agree it was rude of her, but in the end it's up to her to apologize and you won't be able to sway her.
At least if this ever happens again you'll know not to let the 2nd friend crash any more parties.

Answer 8

I hope I got this right...

Your friend should apologize because you went out of your way for them to be invited to the party. It was disrespectful of that person not to show up but it might have been personal/family issues going on which he/she doesn't care to talk about openly.

But be open to your friend and say how you feel and that it would be polite for them to give an apology of absence due to so an so problem.

Answer 9

first of all, if your second friend didn't know the party-throwing friend, you should have never let them invite themselves AFTER the RSVP was in. Your friend throwing the party had to make accommodations for this no-show friend of yours.

There's really nothing you can do but learn from this experience. Next time you'll know that if its not your party, don't invite last-minute people.

Answer 10

I think it was rude of her also. You will have to do the apologizing or explaining the first friend though b/c she isn't the one that invited the second friend you did. But your second friend should apologize and at lease supply some sort of excuse! Next time don't invite her.