I have a 10 year old daughter that has been lying......read on.?

Question

I have been having problems with lies for a while from her. She is constantly getting into things, like my gum, without asking. She took a grilled cheese, made for breakfast, to school wrapped in a dish towel, rather than asking for a bagged lunch that day. She refuses to bring things home from school, like papers. She is stealing my make up and putting it on on the bus. I am at my wit's end. Has anyone had this much trouble out of one child in less than two weeks? If so, how did you change the behavior, and how did you cope?

Answer 1

You're daughter is having a difficult time understanding the concept of adult authority. You need to illistrate to her why it is important for you to make rules and for her to follow them.
One thing you can do is to let her know the drawbacks of not having authority. There are a lot of things that you do for her that she takes for granted. If you are not her authority, you are not obligated to do those things (give her rides to places, make meals, do her laundry, signing permission slips, lunch money). Stop doing those things and life is a little more miserable for her.

Basically, it comes down to this: Rules provide stability. Take away the rules, and you jeopardize the things you have.

BTW, I have 3 daughters ages 12, 8, and 1, not to mention a 6 yr. old son. I also work in a treatment center for adolescents/children with behavioral problems.

Answer 2

She is 10 not 16, IF you don't stop this now you will regret it in the future (she will lie about more serious things, having sex, drinking, and doing drugs).

You still have control, you just need to take it back. Be firm!! Have a talk with her, tell her the next time she steals or lies she will earn a spanking. When she does, take her in a privet area in your home, pull down her pants, put her over your lap and spank her good. (be very calm, no yelling or screaming, the key is to be in control) after words give her some time, then have a talk with her, tell her that you love her and you can't let her behave in this manner anymore, also that you were serious and if she brakes any of these rules again this will be the punishment. Repeat this process every time she steps out of line, this may mean 2, 3, or more spankings in a day to start. she will get the picture. I guarantee that if you follow this, you will see a different child (much better behaved, loving, caring one) in as little as a month.
I have a almost 10 year old girl, who hardly needs a spanking anymore.
Best of luck to you, my ways are a little old fashioned but trust me they work!!

Answer 3

What do you mean, "in less than 2 weeks", she has only been your daughter for 2 weeks?

May be you are too strict, may be you are always saying "no". Not judging you, but think about different options.

Have a heart to heart talk with her, sometimes taking things is a sign of a deeper problem, kleptomania is a sign of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It sounds like she is trying to get your attention and VOILA!! She is!! She may be hurting from something deep inside and this is bringing her relief, show her other options besides lying, like why telling truth even if it hurts is better in the long run. Tell her there are consequences to lying.

Answer 4

Yes, my sister in-law. Her daughter had all of these problems and they only escalated. Therapy hasn't helped. She's 14 now and has had sex which resulted in ST D's at least 4 times since age 11. The state took custody of her for 1 year. It still hasn't helped, They diagnosed her as schizophrenic. I'm not being mean but I believe there are some people just born bad seeds. Good luck. Hope her problems aren't this bad. Hopefully it's a phase.

Answer 5

She does seem a little on the "busy" side these days, doesn't she...

The lies - probably not a reallly big thing.

The grilled cheese - probably just wanted it and went about it in a way that you don't understand because kids think in bizarre ways sometimes.

The taking your gum without asking - starting the cross the line a little

The getting into your make-up - she obviously wants to wear make-up and either thinks you wouldn't mind if she takes yours or else so desperately wants to use the make-up she can't stop herself.

On the one hand, its possible this stuff is nothing more than a string of "offenses" in a particular time period, but it could be a sign that she's heading off track some. (Any chance she's a child with a learning disability that hasn't yet been diagnosed? The dish-towel thing is the kind of thing a kid with a learning disability might do.) Not bringing home papers and things from school is also what kids with learning disabilities do. I'm not guessing that's her situation, but thought I'd mention it. Kids with
undiagnosed learning problems do start to act out as they get older.

Other than that, maybe you could try to start clean with her. Forget the last two weeks. Talk to her and make it clear that she is not to go through your stuff or take what isn't hers without asking. She may actually feel so comfortable that "what's yours is hers" she doesn't completely get it that what's yours isn't always hers. Talk about why its better not to lie (people won't believe you, you don't feel good inside when you lie, etc.); but then try just telling her you want to start clean and see if she can get back to her old self. Maybe take her out and have a real conversation with her about knowing how kids want to feel older or how they can just sometimes feel they need to do something so badly they can't resist temptation. Talk about some light and fun stuff too. It may or may not help, but it never hurts to have some special, one-on-one, nice, time together.

Another thing is kids go through maturing spurts. They go through (often, say) six months of being inward and in toward their parents and then six months of moving outward. She appears to maybe be on a "moving outward" phase of growing up. I have no idea if my guesses are even close, but look at what she's done: try to do her own lunch, take gum (not necessarily a grown-up item but the choice to be independent enough to take it was a move toward independence), the make-up. She may need to feel or act more grown-up right now.

Ten is not as easy as eight and nine are. Eleven and twelve are worse than ten. And so on and so on until they're - what - like 39? They are more of a challenge as far as knowing how to deal with what comes up because its no longer as simple as making sure they get their bottle at 6. Maybe she's just getting more complicated right now. How you cope? You just keep talking, guiding, and trying to understand. If she lies don't make a big deal out of it, but tell her you are not able to believe what she just said. Let her know she's coming across as a liar. If she takes your stuff take something away from her that she likes (for a while).

Remind yourself, too, that while the stuff she's doing isn't great to be doing, in the "scheme of life" and within the context of her age and all children's "offenses", none of this stuff is all that big a deal. Be patient. See if she starts doing more and worse or if she starts doing less and not so bad. If it gets worse get her some help. If it doesn't - great.

Answer 6

Well, why don't you tell her since you've been catching her in so many lies and having so many problems, you're going to pretty much play tyrant until she shows you otherwise that she can be tristed. Talk to her. Ask her what's happening and why she's doing these things, and until she decides to talk, then just punish her. Ground her, take away the TV, music, whatever she enjoys the most, and keep taking away things everytime she does something wrong. Check her stuff before school every single day, bags, pockets, lunch, see what she's carrying out of the house. Call the school, even every day to check up on her school work. You're the parent, take some control.

Answer 7

She's going to start changing from a kid to a teenager, it happens earlier now. Therefore, you are going to have to start practicing loosening up on the control. These are pretty minor offenses; but if you blow them out of proportion she will only get angry and resentful, and start seeing you as an 'enemy' instead of a leader.

You know how fast a baby changed to a toddler wanting independence, this is the same. Look for other reasons why she might be doing this, as opposed to assuming it's just to spite you.
Maybe she wants to make her own lunches? Teach her how.
Maybe she is afraid of what you will say about the marks on those papers - tell her you'll go over with her what she doesn't understand.
She want's to wear makeup? Use it as a tool - two weeks of no 'sneakiness' gets her a trip to the mall for berry lip gloss and light pink nail polish.

Compromise!

Answer 8

Are there no consequences she has to face for her actions? First of all I have never had a problem with my daughter getting into my things...maybe that's because I established the rules right in the beginning. She never got into my purse because that was MY property and there would be hell to pay if she got into it. From the beginning things like television, games, video games etc were privileges that had to be earned and not handed to her. She earned them by behaving. When she didn't behave she didn't get any privileges. As for her schoolwork, at 10 she is old enough to be responsible for it, it is HER schoolwork not your's, if she falls behind and is left to repeat the grade she is currently in that is HER fault. We used that approach with my daughter and she failed a semester...back in the 6th grade and had to spend 6 long weeks in summer school making it up, while the rest of the family enjoyed their vacation time. At 20 she is two semesters from getting her two year degree and has maintained a gradepoint average of 3.5 throughout...Doing HER schoolwork and taking care of HER responsiblities.

Answer 9

Well, Mom, she's obviously acting out for a reason. You say that it has been going on for two weeks. What changed for her two weeks ago, that may be behind this bad behaviour? You need to talk to her and find out. Leave all arguments and recriminations outside while you do this. Yelling and screaming will only earn you the same.

If you can't get her to talk to you seriously, maybe her minister? Maybe a school guidance counsellor? Or even a child psychologist?

There is one thing I am absolutely sure off...this problem will not resolve itself, and the longer you let it go the harder it's going to be to fix it later.

Answer 10

It's time to really think about what are the small probs and the big probs. Is it really so bad she took a grilled cheese to school for lunch? Let her make her own lunches - just make sure she has a few different choices and you oversee - not do- the process. She wants the gum? Have her do a mini chore, like the breakfast dishes, than give her the money for a pack or two of gum. Make it clear to her that the stealing is not okay and take her to the police station to find out what happens to people who steal. Take her to the homeless shelter and see what happens to people when life is ruff. She doesn't like to bring home parper and work from school? Would she like you to go to school with her tomorrow and be her shadow so her work and paper come home? Put her on the spot for the "big" things and adust for the"small" (gum?).

*I know it's not the gum that's buggin' ya, but the fact she was in your purse. Maybe it's time to go through her room and show her how it feels to have her space violated.