When is enough, enough? Should I give up?

Question

I have really given this stepmom thing a chance, but I dont think that I can keep going on the way things are. My stepson has only lived with us for 3 months and I am already thinking that this arrangment is not going to work. His mom asked my husband and I to take custody because of his horrible behavior. They have been divorced since he was 3, he's 12. She was fed up with him and thought that coming to live with us would help things. It hasn't. He is lying, stealing, getting in trouble on the bus. I feel like I have had to change my entire lifestyle just to accomendate him. He has a horrible attitude to me and my husband both. He doen't show any remorse for his actions at all. He will apologize and then a week later he is doing the same thing again. My husband is also at his wits end. His son just seems to be determined to cause trouble. I don't feel like I should let him ruin our marriage. We have a daughter together. I think she deserves to grow up with us together. Help!

Answer 1

Okay. I have stepchildren (4) and teenagers (7). My answer is going to be unconventional - but just hear me out. First, it's not going to be the brady bunch, so get over any thoughts you may have had similar to that. Next, the kid is 12 years old. He's a "pubert". They're not worth shooting at that age, and won't be for several years. Tie a knot in the end of a rope and hang on. It will pass eventually, and that sweet kid (who's hiding right now) will come back in a few years. Lastly: You're not his mother, and you're never going to be. But you can have a positive influence on him. Figure out for yourself which are YOUR control issues (and get over it) and then pick your battles. It is possible to keep harmony in the home, but it's going to come from you, not from your husband or the kid - you. Any raising the kid has gotten up to this point is about all you can hope for -- for a couple of years until he comes back to his senses. I wish you the best honey. Good luck.

Answer 2

I feel for you as we're going through the same thing with my step son, only he doesn't live with us.... yet. We've tried the counseling and the talking to him and pretty much every other punishment we can think of. Our next step is boot camp for juvenile offenders. We've already spoken with his counselors and our attorney and all agree it's a viable option for him.

If you haven't tried it already, you should consider some type of counseling. You may be amazed at some of the things you find out but in all honesty, his behavior may already be well beyond your control no matter what you do.

However, you are correct that your daughter needs to have a more healthy environment to grow up in. We also have a 6 year old and a 2 month old who we feel we have to protect from the 11 year old. His behavior this summer proved to us that we cannot have him around the younger kids and it made our marriage and family life almost intolerable.

Please seek professional assistance before the rest of your family suffers! Good luck!

Answer 3

This is really tough. First of all, he's 12. His behavior, most likely wouldn't be the greatest at this age anyway. But now he's had to adjust to a new step mom. Even if you are the greatest person in the world, it's an adjustment. His dad getting married to you also means his mom and dad aren't getting back together. Which, he could have been secretly hoping would happen. On top of that, he's been essentially kicked out of his mother's house. Right now he's testing you. He's testing to see if you will really be there, no matter what. It takes a lot more than 3 months for you to prove to him that you are trust worthy, that you will be there for him no matter what. He needs you to set boundaries and be consistent. Correct his behavior, pointing out that you do care. I would suggest talking to his school guidance counselors and asking them to direct you to someone who could help out in your situation. An almost teens behavior is difficult to change. It will take a lot of work. You are right that your daughter deserves to have a stable home and he does not have the right to destroy your marriage. But he does deserve to have someone care enough to stick by him. Good luck. I do sympathize with you.

Answer 4

No way. He's just acting out. Can you imagin your own mother giving up on you? The woman who carried you for 9 months, changed your diapers and took care of you when you were sick?(You're a mom I'm sure you wouldn't give up your daughter after 9 months, labour and the joy shes brought to your life)
That's one of the worst things that can happen to a child especially at such a young age. Maybe he feels like his dad is going to do the same thing to him as his mother, its practically happening already. Both of you are at 'wits end'.

He feels hurt that his mother and father that brought him in the world, regret bringing him in the world. Or is being such a burden to both families...moving from home to home where no one wants you...isn't a great feeling.

He isn't the baby any more. Could it be that both of you don't show him any attention until something goes wrong?
Try making him feel like he belongs somewhere, and give him praise for the good things that he has done...even if it is as small as 'you cleared your stuff off the table'. Or 'thanks for putting away the groceries'.

And if you speak negative about his mother chances are for 9 years he's heard the same negative stuff from his mother about his father. So he doesn't know which part of him is the good gene. Especially if he hears 'you're just like your dad/mom' if he does something bad.

That or maybe he's having trouble at school? Is he being bullied? Is he hanging out with the wrong crowd? A huge change like a change in school environment as well as home can do a huge number to a child's confidence. It's all about the fight or flight.

Answer 5

I agree that some family and individual counseling would be an excellent idea. The boy is probably acting out his frustration that his mom and dad are not still together and may be subconciously blaming himself that their marriage didn't work.

In the meantime, he needs consistent but fair rules in your house. Litterally spell out exactly what is expected of him and the consequences if he breaks the rules and you and your husband must present a united force on this or he will pit you against each other.

Answer 6

I'm not surprised his behaviour is poor when he's been pushed from one carer to another. I sounds as though he has never resolved the problems caused by the divorce and all the other traumatic events in his young life most especially his own mother's attitude.

It seems that you may need to use a family therapist or counsellor if you are to cope with the situation for all concerned

Answer 7

your stepson has an anger problem. he is angry with his mother and father for divorcing. children at 3 need to feel safe and secure with a "normal" home. the problem is he doesn't know he is angry or what he is angry about. in his sub conscience he may think that his parents divorced because of him. he has these bad feelings inside and doesn't understand why. he may think he is a bad person. if you are a bad person you have to act badly. at this point you are an outsider, someone trying to take the place of his mom (he thinks). explain to him that you are not trying to take her place but things would be easier for everyone if the two of you could be friends. ask him what he likes to eat. make sure you fix something especially for him once a week. ask him to help you do something. not like taking out the trash, more like going shopping for something special for his dad. at this time you can only try to be his friend, but do not give up on this child.
dad has to take charge. he needs to have a frank talk with his son and answer any questions he has about the divorce or what ever he wants to know. he mostly wants to know that his father still loves him and always will. he needs to take an interest in his son and get involved in his life in a big way. this may be hard for you for a while because that means less time with the new family.

part of a child feeling secure is someone making sure he follows the rules. Discipline is something you do for a child, not something you do to a child. at twelve he thinks he is a man and doesn't need anyone. if you want your son to act more mature start treating him like he is. it is all very difficult to get just right. when all is said and done the only responsibilities we have to our children are to provide their basic needs and to be a good role model. the rest is up to them. make sure little johnny knows that you are willing to help as much as you can but what he grows up to be is up to him.

Answer 8

Children need UNCONDITIONAL love. That means clear rules, clear consequences, and lots of patience thrown in. But remember YOU are NOT the mother... so you have no right to discipline... just input into what the rules SHOULD be. If your husband cannot enforce the rules then HE is the problem not your step son. Send your husband to effective parenting classes, usually offered by community organizations, or religious charities. And, make sure that your step son gets into an anger management program. That way you are helping them both. Remember you are just a facilitator, not a parent!

Answer 9

Stop and really look at what he's doing. Is this a way for him to get attention? Go into family counseling to help you all deal and get him a therapist to talk about what is bugging him. It sound so simular to what my brother and his step son are going through. It sound like a condition called Oppositional Defiant Disorder which can lead to Conduct Disorder if things go unchecked. Please help him and yourselves - just don't give up on him.

Answer 10

Have you ever considered boot camp or boys home? I was a horrible child and my parents threatened me to go to a girls home. I never went, but ended up straightening my butt out when they made me pack my bags and get into the car to take me there. Threaten him with things like this. Or take him to the prison and tell him if he don't straighten his self out, he will end up there. Or an even better idea....next time he steals or acts up, call the police station, and tell them you are having problems with your son and ask them to come and talk to him and have them threaten him. I know it would work for me!!