2006-09-05 13:15:46 · 11 answers · asked by blade_6162 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
TIGER WOODS IN IRELAND!
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump
attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the
ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."
2006-09-05 13:20:05 · answer #1 · answered by DY Beach 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
these are yo mamma jokes:
Your Mama So Fat
when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...
she once went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food she ate it!
folk exercise by jogging around her!
when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.
she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy
she make Kiko the Whale look like a Smartie
NASA plan to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer
she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm...
small objects orbit her.
she make olympic sumo wrestlers look anerixic.
when I tell her to haul ***, she gotta make two trips.
when she farted she launched herself into orbit.
she lost a game at Hide&Seek only cos I spotted her...behind Mount Everest.
when I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol!
she could be the eighth continent.
she nearly put Safeway out of business
the only thing that's attracted to her is gravity.
her Uni graduation photo was an aerial
when she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark she got the part of the big Rolling Ball.
she make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic.
her fave food is seconds.
her belt size is Equator.
she eats Desert out of a Trash Can lid
she wears an 'X' jacket and Copters attempt to land on her
she shows up on radar.
she needs a map to find her butt.
she fell into the Grand Canyon....and got stuck!
she wears an asteroid belt.
her Passport photo says 'Picture is continued overleaf'
she has TB ... 2 bellys.
she's once, twice, three times a lady.
she was in the Daily Record last week on page 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.
the circus use her as a trampoline
stunt agencies use her as an air mattress
when she opens the Fridge it says - 'I give up...'
she got a new gig at the Cinema...she works as the screen
she once told me 'I could eat a horse'...believe me, she wasn't kidding!
she deep fries her toothpaste.
2006-09-05 20:20:40 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK.... a guy goes into a bar, and the doorman says "sorry buddy, but you have to have a tie in here....there's a dress code"
The guy says "aw man, I don't have a tie with me, I've come a long way and I'm supposed to meet some friends here....can't you make an exception?" The doorman says "sorry, but rules are rules... I can't let you in without a tie."
The guy goes back to his car, dejected. Suddenly, he gets an idea. He opens his trunk, pulls out his jumper cables, whips them around his neck, ties them in a Windsor knot. Then he goes back up to the bar and says to the doorman "ok, NOW can I come in" The doorman hesitates, but then says "well.......OK........ but DON'T START ANYTHING !!!"
HAHAHAHAHAH.....my favorite joke of all time
2006-09-05 20:21:31 · answer #3 · answered by Schleppy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well...theres this guy named Odd. His whole life, everyone makes fun of his name. Even his wife and kids cant get enough of it.
Finally he gets sick of it and says that when he dies, his gravestone should be blank so that no one can make fun of him anymore.
Well, he eventually dies and gets his wish. A few months later, a couple are walking in the graveyard and notice the blank gravestone. The wife points at it and exclaims "Hmmm, Thats Odd?!?!?!
2006-09-05 20:36:08 · answer #4 · answered by chowda 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
a woman goes to a tattoo parlor and ask for a tattoo of a turkey on inside of her right thigh and a Christmas tree on the inside of her Left thigh. when the tattoos were done, the tattoo artist ask her what were the tattoos for. and the woman says "well my husband always complain that there is nothing to eat between thanksgiving and Christmas."
2006-09-05 20:30:03 · answer #5 · answered by DaOgs 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its thanksgiving and this family, lets call them the browns, is having a party. the little girl goes up to her mom and asks "mom, whats a *****?" The mom replies "Oh, thats a lady sweety." "What's a bastard?" Oh, thats a gentlman sweety." "ok." the mom is cutting the turkey and she says "f**k!" The little girl asks "Whats f**k?" the mom replies "Oh, thats a seasoning that goes on the turkey. "ok" The girl goes upstairs to talk to her dad. her dad is shaving and he cuts himself. he says "s**t!" the little girl asks "Whats s**t?" the dad replies "Oh thats the shaving cream." "ok" the girl goes downstairs to greet the guests coming in. she says "Hi bitches and bastards. Can i take your coats? My mom and dad would be here to greet you but my moms f**king the turkey and my dads wiping s**t off his face."
2006-09-05 20:35:16 · answer #6 · answered by Kee-wee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting ....moooooooo cow who?
It's hard to type ,you kind have to be there but I tried :) Angel
2006-09-05 20:20:38 · answer #7 · answered by angelofdreams19881 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Katie Couric, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked: "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?"
The Marine shrugged and replied: "Recoil."
2006-09-05 20:19:09 · answer #8 · answered by hawaiijos 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Man: My wife needs a bra but i don't know the size
Salesgirl: Don't worry sir, touch my boobs and try to estimate.
Man: oh...i forgot!!!
she needs panties too!
2006-09-05 20:37:54 · answer #9 · answered by tess 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
pe nuters in a move called hell to the pee-nut
2006-09-05 20:18:16 · answer #10 · answered by alexis h 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋