Anyone have any hilarious jokes old or new?

Question

I asked for some funny jokes before but didn't get anything that made my sick mom laugh. She got a little chuckle out of 1 but thats it. Jokes keep my mother mentally happy and helps keep her mind off her illness. Please send any jokes old or new that are hilarious. Thanks to all

Answer 1

Two men, an Englishman and a Frenchman, were crossing the desert on a camel. They had been out there for almost a week and, finally, came upon an oasis. When they approached the water hole the camel refused to drink. Try as they might the darn thing would not take a drop.
Knowing that they HAD to make this stupid camel take water or they would not survive their journey thay had to come up with a plan. They decided that the Englishman would hold the camel's head under water while the Frenchman sucked on the camel's arshole - thus drawing the water into it's body. They entered the water, the Englishman took position and the Frenchman started sucking. After a minute or so the Frenchman called out.

Could you raise his head just a little?
All I'm getting is mud from the bottom.


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A CHRISTIAN PUPPY

A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog.
As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.

"How do you know they're Christian puppies?" "Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns.

Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchases the dog and head home.

That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks, "Does he also know 'regular' commands?" "Gee, we don't know.
We didn't ask," replies the husband. Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down."
The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.
He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.

"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's PENTECOSTAL!"

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Subject: Drug Dog


A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says:
"Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

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New Study

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about
their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their *** is too fat...

10% of women think their *** is too skinny..

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's
a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

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Denominational Baptism

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" "Yes. What do you think that means?" "That means we're Pisscopalians."

Answer 2

Try this on your mom:-

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian."

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later, the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian."

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

Answer 3

Car Painting
A Blondie, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The Blondie said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the Blondie came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the Blondie answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the Blondie added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!

Answer 4

Your mom maybe know's this one then. But here goes. I'll do my best. lol.
A little boy walking by a church with his little red wagon is stopped by a priest who said "Would you like to come in a say a prayer today?" The little boy said "Who will watch my little red wagon?" The priest replyed " Oh the only ghost will watch over it."
The boy goes in and kneels down and says the name of the cross. " In the name of the father,in the name of the son." The priest ask why he left out the only ghost. The little boy said " Because he is outside watching my little red wagon.
P.S. My mother is 86yrs old and she loves a good laugh too.

Take care and hi to your mom. I just said a little prayer for you mom.

Answer 5

Hope this'll help.

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If
the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around
me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

Answer 6

An actual transmission over the ground control frequency at Cologne Bonn International Airport, in Bonn, Germany.

(Pilot 1) *speaks something in German*

(Air Traffic Control) "Aircraft calling, You must speak in English to recieve a response"

(Pilot 1) *in English* I am a German pilot, flying a German plane, in Germany! Why must I speak English?

(Pilot 2) *Beuatiful British accent* Because you lost the bloody war!

Answer 7

Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she
thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then the last person took a bite out of a gernade and he thought it was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came down and killed my new kitty".
Next they passed a little boy who was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy, why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came down and killed my new puppy." Then they passed a blonde sitting on the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up!!"

Blind man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

Answer 8

not jokes but looney laws:
1. In kentucky, its against the law to throw eggs at a public speaker.

2. In Shawnee, Ok, its illegal for 3 or more dogs to "meet" on private property w/o the consent of the owner.

3. In Hartford, Ct, transporting a cadaver by taxi is punishable by a $5 fine.

4. In Michigan, its illegal for a woman to cut her own hair without her husbands permission.

5. In Maryland, its against the law for grandchildren to marry their grandparents.

True laws in the U.S.

Answer 9

Man and a giraffe went into a pub, by the end of the evening they are so drunk the giraffe falls over, barman says to the man, you can't leave that lying there, man says it's not a lion it's a giraffe.

Answer 10

Explain to your mom that you asked for jokes and I sent two words. She will get it. Those two words are "Hillery Clinton". Wish her the best and we all hope you both do well.