Is it rude that I am not going to a funeral because I am still upset about my best friend dying?

Question

My brand new sister in law's grandma died this past week and the funeral is tomorrow. After going through my best friends funeral (about three months ago) I know I won't be able to handle another death so soon. My friend was 22 and I still an having issues with her passing. My sister in law came to the funeral for my friend and now I feel obligated to be there. But emotionally I know I won't be able to handle it... Is that wrong? Advice?

Answer 1

Tell them the truth. If they don't understand then thats really their problem.

Similarly, my wife's grandma recently fell very ill and I had a tough time seeing her because I lost my own grandfather to the same illness. She doesn't understand...but you have to do what is emotionally right for you as well as being supportive of them.

Answer 2

Funerals aren't about the dead. They don't know whether you come or not. Funerals are about the living, and the ones left behind. Yes, you honor the departed, but in doing so, you comfort the living. That's an important thing to remember. You shouldn't have a problem attending your SIL's grannie's funeral. It's unlikely you were close. You may not even have known her. It would be very supportive to attend the funeral, and give what help you can to your SIL.
As for your friend's death -- that was three months ago. How long are you going to mourn? Do you think wallowing in grief is helping your friend? Or yourself?
You are going overboard on this and it's time to get yourself straightened out.
Sorry, I know you've lost someone you cared about, but life has to go on.

Answer 3

There is no law that says you have to go to any funeral. If you feel that your attendance at this event is going to be more damaging to you than therapeutic, don't go. I'm sorry this young woman lost her grandma but going to a funeral where you may be mourning your own friend more than the deceased isn't appropriate. Go visit your sister-in-law at her home after the funeral, send flowers, apologize for not being there and then talk to her about the dead, both of them. Talk about their lives and the things you loved about them, tell funny stories about them and start the healing.

Answer 4

no hun its not wrong. Funerals are to help people get closure and this isn't the right time for you. If you are worried that people might get the wrong impression, try explaining your situation to your husband , he can explain your situation to his family. You can still send a card and flowers if they are being accepted by the family. If there will be a grave you can visit it in your own time when you mare ready.
Feelings are just feelings hun, they are not right or wrong. Your current feelings mean you won't be able to go. Don't feel heartless, selfish, obligated or anything like that. Funerals are not everyones thing and most people will appreciate that.

Answer 5

Any way that you choose to grieve is NOT wrong. People grieve in different ways, and if you're not comfortable going to the funeral, you shouldn't go.

Call your sister-in-law and tell her you are just too overwhelmed with emotion right now because of your friend's passing, and it would be too difficult to go to another funeral at this time. But be sure to send your deepest regrets, and possibly a small gift or flowers.

Answer 6

You barely knew sis-in-law's grandma, so where's the emotional attachment? You're just projecting your anger at someone else upon people who do not deserve it! As a member of the family, you most certainly should attend! Your brother is going to need his family to behave appropriately to show his bride that she is accepted as part of the family. If you fail to fulfill your family obligations, then you are setting a very poor standard for behavior.
If you continue in such a selfish vent, then you might as well write off ever getting to spend time with your nieces & nephews! Your brother will remember how you humiliated him, and your sis-in-law will remember how you allienated her!
Life isn't always about the easy choices. Most of the time it's about putting on a brave face, and dealing with what's difficult in a way that promotes harmony for all.

Answer 7

It's not wrong for you to choose not to go. If you're not comfortable going, then you shouldn't feel obligated to go.

Just talk to your sister-in-law and explain to her why you don't want to attend the funeral. Certainly she will understand that you are still mourning for your friend.

You can offer your friend support in many ways other than going to her grandmother's funeral.

I'm sorry for both of your losses.

Answer 8

I am sure it will be ok. Sounds like to me that you are still very angry at your friend for dying though. This is a very normal and expected reaction in a death of someone close. But it is time to let the anger go. Death is a part of life. Celebrate the time you had with your friend and stop fretting over what will not be. . Let your heart be filled with the love once again.

Answer 9

It's all opinion, but I think you should tell yous sister in law about your problem and not go to the funeral if you cannot handle it emotionally. Also, send flowers to your sis in law to show your concern and that you value her friendship.

Answer 10

Go and hide out in the back. Don't go up & look in the casket or anything. That's not something you have to do. But you really should be there for support. As a new sister in law, you really should be supportive and there for her if she needs you. Don't feel guilty for letting you emotions show either - thats the way of life that you have to go through for healing. I am really sorry about your best friends death. I can't imagine that, it would be like losing half my heart of someting. And so young, she was the same age as me! Life is so precious, isn't it?