How much do you insist on your child saying "sorry"?

Question

My son is 2 1/2 and just absolutely refuses to say sorry. He hits me or Dad and then when we put him in time out for hitting and then tell him to say sorry he just won't say it. So we return him to time out and still he won't say it.
I undertand that we as parents have to pick and choose our battles but it's not like he willingly says sorry a few times a day for us to let the other times go, he never ever says it.
The only time he will say sorry is pretty much when we bribe him, if we say you can play this or that or have this snack or that snack only if you say sorry first and this feels wrong to me.
At what age did your child say sorry when it was appropriate and how did you get him/her to say it?

just a note, I can't really use hitting with my son. I started to spank him on the back o fthe hand a few months ago but had to stop because he grew more aggressive and violent towards other children

Answer 1

I agree with you - it is wrong to make a kid say sorry under these conditions. he is too young to understand what it means and so you are teaching him to LIE!!!!!!! You are teaching him to totally disconnect himself from what he feels and start figuring out what other people want him to feel.

This is really silly, this battle you've chosen. He can't actually BE sorry until he's much older. Leave him alone on this matter. Tell him you're sorry you've been harping on it!

Tell him how you feel when he does something, and model saying you're sorry to him . (Of course this doesn't mean to tolerate any behaviors that harm others. I'm only talking about the I'm sorry part.) Teach him - over months - we say sorry when we accidentally hurt someone, so they know we didn't mean it. We say sorry after we think about something and realize we made someone sad. Teach him - otherwise, you'll make him a neurotic wreck - or give him all this power over you with this phrase. Detach...... Then you get the power back.

Answer 2

Well it does sound like maybe there are other issues with your child. Honestly, my son is nearly 18 months and he says sorry and gives kisses when he hurts someone- EVERY TIME... I'm sure he'll go through phases later and not do it, but I think the trick is to be consistent regardless of the situation. The above answer that talks about the 'why' more than the action is great- maybe if your child understands better that he is hurting you (or someone), then he will learn to stop. He's definitely old enough to have a discussion about the consequences of his actions. Do you (and his dad) say sorry when you do something (even accidental)? And I definitely agree- bribes are not the way to go with discipline. Bribes dont teach children how to be good or be kind---- They teach them how to get what they want and get away with what they want! Keep trying to be optimistic- good luck!

Answer 3

I am not sure the best way for your particular child, but I would just not end the time out until he says it. The fact that you have bribed him in the past is going to make it extremely difficult to get him to say it. Whatever you do, let him know you are serous, and follow through.

Maybe you could put him in time out and tell him that his 3 minutes will begin after he apologizes, then don't even start he timer until he has apologized. The first few times you will probably have a huge struggle on your hands, and the situation may last upwards of an hour and lots of drama.

But once you have this 'showdown' (that is exactly what it is, you letting your child know that this is something that is REQUIRED) a couple of times, he will probably begin saying it. Maya is only 20 months and we probably have 2 or3 showdowns a week now that she is hitting the terrible twos stage, for different issues. Once me telling her to say 'please' for a cookie became a 45 minute ordeal, because I was not going to give her that cookie until she said it. Now she says please every time she asks for something, without me telling her so it was worth it.

I also did this a couple of times with my daycare child, and we only had 2 showdowns, and now he does everything I say all the time, he is 3.

Answer 4

I think the word sorry is more of a social thing. Maybe put more stress on the why, than on just that word.
Try explaining to him in very simple words why it's not nice to hit, or throw toys etc. (it hurts mommy and makes mommy sad, or you might break your toy and won't be able to play with it anymore) and instead of focusing on him saying sorry afterwards, maybe ask him to tell you why it's not nice to do what he did.
He might be just rebelling or stubborn and has a thing against the word, but if you get him to 'talk out' his 'sorry' it'd be more meaningful.
The bribing thing is never a good idea... it's a temporary fix. You shouldn't have to always offer something in exchange for good behavior. And he will recognize the pattern and always expect something in return.
That might be why he's refusing to say it now, b/c he's waiting for you to give in and give him a reward first.
Also... do you guys say sorry to him or others when he's around. Maybe if he saw it in use more often that would encourage him to do it b/c that was the 'normal' thing to do when you're wrong.
But I don't think it's too much to ask at his age. At 2 1/2, it's probably just a defiance thing. A lot of children become extremely stubborn and want things done 'their' way once they start gaining more independence.
Maybe check babycenter for more advice...
I didn't have time to read through these... but the titles look helpful

http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/calculators/problemsolver/
http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/preschooler/pbehavior/index

Or the main page for his age...
http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/preschooler

Good Luck... you'll make it through :)

Answer 5

my son is 2 1/2 and he always says sorry when he knows that he has done something wrong. i guess that is because me and dad always use the word sorry when we do something wrong. When he does something wrong, we tell him what he has done and tell him why it is not right. i guess if you tell him why he should say sorry he will, and he will understand these children are really smart. do not bribe your child with anything, when he gets older he will always want something when you ask him for something, it is a bad habit, that works just about always. How long do you put him in time out? for his age he should only be in there for no more then 3 mins. That is what i was told. And time out is the last option that i use i do not think that it is very effective. This will take time and you must have the patients for this.

Answer 6

This sounds exactly like my second child. Would absolutely refuse to say sorry after being in time out, and spanking has the same effect on him. It just makes him more defiant and angry. When we put him in time out though, he cannot come out until he says sorry, no matter how long he has to stay. At first he would really push it, and sometimes end up getting put back in the corner 9 or 10 times, for three minutes every time. Eventually he figured out that we weren't going to give in, and started saying sorry. Every once in a while he will test us again, but only once, then he'll say it. He just wants to make sure we're still in control. It's really just a power struggle, they're trying to control the situation however they can, and eventually will realize that mom and dad are in charge when it comes to this kind of thing. I would recommend being completely consistet about it. Don't let him come out until he says sorry, just make sure you are nice about it, and make sure he knows that he really is in control, and that the way he can exert that control is to follow the rules, then he can get what he wants. It may take a while for him to accept that, but eventually he will, and your job will get a lot easier.

Answer 7

The person who said at 2 1/2 they don't know what sorry means is mistaken. At age 2 1/2, my now 3 year old knew to say sorry for most of the actions that would cause someone to have to apologize (i.e stepping on your foot by accident or unintentionally hurting someone). But there are times where my son absolutely refuses to say sorry. After he is told to say sorry to someone he has hurt or offended and he still refuses he is punished. We take away TV and toys and make him sit in a quite place by himself and tell him this is because he was being rude and didn't apologize. We tell him that when he's ready to apologize he may come out of his room but not until then. After a few minutes he usually apologizes but there are some rare times where he just refuses. Those are the times we don't really make a big deal (unless there was a huge incident) because 1) he's young 2) he's asserting himself 3) he actually punished himself by refusing to apologize. Please don't bribe your son because you'll begin to send the message that in order for him to do anything that he doesn't want to do that it has to be "something in it for him" when in actuality society doesn't owe us anything. We all have to do things that we don't like but they have to be done. It may also help if you and your husband start to emphasize the "polite words" more when he's around making sure you say "please, thank you and I'm sorry" loud and clear so he starts to get the picture that those are words that you say everyday not just when its convenient or "something in it for him".

Answer 8

Forcing a child to say “sorry” when he’s not is teaching him to lie. Don’t bribe him to do this. You want “sorry” to come from the heart, not because you forced it. If he knows you really want him to say it, he won’t. There are four things you can never force a child to do: use the bathroom, eat, sleep, and talk. They will always win. You have to model good behavior. Let him see and hear you apologizing to others. Apologize to him when necessary. You can tell him “It’s polite to say sorry when you (explain).” Leave it at that.

Spankings are wrong. Here is a great article that explains the harm in spanking http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T062100.asp

Don't use rewards to stop bad behavior. They only result in temporary obedience and do not produce any lasting changes. Using rewards are a way for you to control you son, not a way for him to learn self-control. He will only comply for a reward, not because he wants to change his behavior. Here is a great article describing the harm that rewards cause. http://www.thewellspring.com/cat/adult_b... Also check out what Alphie Kohn says in his article “The Case Against Using Gold Stars.” http://www.alfiekohn.org/articles.htm...

Stop using time outs. These are a way for you to control him, not a way for him to learn self-control. Try and use logical consequences whenever possible. Taking away a toy or privileges when your son misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if he throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If he makes a mess, he cleans it. If he breaks a toy, it goes in the trash. A logical consequence for him hitting you is that you don’t want to play with him. If he hurts you say “Don’t hit me. I don’t want to be close to you if you are going to hurt me.” Walk away.
Another technique you can try when he hurts you is this. As soon as he hurts, get down to his level and say "I don't like when you hurt me.” Take him gently by the hand and put him in a spot in your home (bedroom, the couch.) Say "When you're ready to stop hurting then you can come back with me." This is not a time out because you are not giving a time limit (you controlling him). He returns when he's ready to control himself. You may have to take him back to the spot a few times before he gets the message. Thank him when he behaves. Keep it up! This technique works well with many misbehaviors.

Notice your son when he is not misbehaving. Say things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You used so many colors on that picture!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders and will help her to feel powerful in a positive way.

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Good luck!

Answer 9

I am the mother of four and a preschool teacher in charge of 10 busy 3 yr olds. Both with my own children and with my students an apology is required any time they have done wrong to someone else. It's a perfectly reasonable and necessary habit to instill and the younger the better. When the child apologizes to their friend (or sibling), the person who has been "wronged" then needs to tell the apologizer, "I forgive you". Along with the ability to apologize, I also believe that the ability to forgive and put bad feelings behind them is key to their developing the ability to live and work in this world as they grow older. Occasionally, I'll have a child who is reluctant to apologize and my response to that is, "That's so sad. Please come be with me while you think about something you could say to Johnny/Sally." After a minute or two, they get bored of being with me and miraculously find an apology in them.

Answer 10

Insist that he say sorry. If the word is too hard for him to say teach him sign language. But also it is very important that you apologize to him if you do something you shouldnt. If you lose your temper and yell at him for no reason, say you are sorry. Teaching by example goes a long way. But also remember that you are the grown up. Give him no other choice than to do exactly what you tell him to. IT can be a battle but stick with it, otherwise in about 10 years you will be very sorry.