How do I regain my self-worth my self values and my self confidance?He destroyed everything that made me me.?

Question

I should've been smarter about my last relationship, but I was blinded. For the last couple of months we were dating(a couple of years in all), he would only have sex with me if we watched porn or talked about a mutual friend(girl). at first I thought it was hot, but when I didn't want to he would make me feel bad about it & tell me I wasn't satisfying him. I dumped him in Jan. & later told me that he had "checked out" of the relationship a "long time before we stopped dating," and now I feel terrible. I have lost weight since then, but I was at my heaviest during the time I mentioned above, and now I feel like I'm worth nothing because the person that was supposed to love me was using me for almost a year. I feel used and ugly, and people give me compliments all the time, but it dosen't change the way I feel. Some people have told me to try to go on speaking terms with him, but he dosen't want that; he has a new G/F and she looks like that person that he would talk about while we were

dating, and I can't stop thinking that I am useless, and fubar in looks and everything else. I've tried going on dates, bu it just feels funny, and I don't want to just sit here and mope. Are there things I can do to help boost my self-worth? I am feeling myself falling more and more into a "it's a good day if guys think I'm hot" and I think that that is disgusting.

Answer 1

How is that working out for you? I thought not.

Why are you blaming other people for how you feel about yourself still? Maybe you should take some responsibility for your own feelings. No one else wants that job, anyway.

And while you are at it, drop off your baggage. No one wants to carry it for you. Baggage contaminates future as well as existing relationships. It is like picking up poop and putting it in your pocket. It smells and people don't want to be around you. And no one wants to carry that for you, either.

So you made a bad investment with that last guy. He had his own baggage and expected you to carry it for him. So now you are carrying his baggage and yours. With the next guy, you will need a moving truck when you pay it forward.

The way you can get over it is to try a few simple things. 1-forgive him for his shortcomings. He has his self-defeating issues and he can't (or won't) deal with them. 2-be glad you saw his true colors and got away from him, and now he will become somebody else's problem (poor girl!). 3- get back at him by not allowing him to destroy you, and improving your life now that he is not in it. Carrying all that baggage got pretty heavy, didn't it? 4-Thank him for the newly acquired wisdom. he showed you what type of guy to avoid. He showed you what narcissistic behaviors you should never find acceptable in anyone. He taught you about how making excuses for someone serves no purpose, and hurts you. He showed you more about yourself. He taught you more about what you want and need from someone, and what you should not accept.

Forgive yourself for making a bad investment. "Mistakes" are ways to learn what doesn't work for us. They do not detract from our quality as human beings. They add to our character and give us wisdom. It's what we take away from the experience that matters most.

Each time we become emotionally invested in someone, we are getting a chance to learn more about ourselves. We shouldn't shy away from such opportunities out of fear of being hurt. Taking that risk allows us to grow as people. Each new person should not be held responsible for the bad behavior of the last person, and they don't want to carry that baggage for you.

Choose not to become a professional victim. Choose not to let your ex dominate your self-talk. He shouldn't be big enough or significant enough to control how you think. He doesn't deserve that much credit. Let him marinate in his own juices. Sever all ties and don't look back. Be glad he is someone else's problem now.

Keep making accomplishments. They build you up from the inside out. Master a martial art or salsa dancing. Teach someone a skill or craft. Give other people the attention, recognition, acceptance, admiration, and validation that you want for yourself. It will come back to you, I promise.

Answer 2

The guy was a jerk and there are other jerks out there. However, there are nice guys as well, so you have to find a way to put this guy behind you and move on.

I recommend taking a class at a college or vocational center. Pick any subject in which you are interested and just go... sometimes, all you need is a little push to get over an idiot like this old boyfriend. Taking a class will get you to meet other people and that can lead to something good. Give it a try.

Just remember... you are a good person and the guy was the jerk. Daydream about how you can warn his current girlfriend about him. Then go meet some new people in a comfortable setting.

Good luck... if you want to talk about it more, send an e-mail.

Answer 3

You are looking in the wrong place for your worth. No other person can give you what you are looking for. You (and anyone like you - i.e. lacking self esteem) are an easy target for those who use others to boost their own misbegotten sense of self worth.
Take time off from the dating scene. Spend time in doing things that YOU enjoy.
Pray. Ask God to reveal to you who you are. What He had in mind when He created you. What purpose He has for you.
Seek out a church which is strong in teaching the Word of God. Take part in their classes. Look for individuals (female) who are what you think you might like to be.
Pray for someone to mentor you.
Another person can never totally make you happy. (Thats why so many are so down on marriage!! They don't understand that you have to be happy with yourself first and foremost. And, marriage is about making the other person feel loved - - not getting it all from your mate.)

Answer 4

"What don't kill you makes you stronger" I know how you feel. We all been there. We put our trust in other only to find out that they have taken it for granted. Don't worry, this too shall pass and another day will come. It's normal.

However, don't try to do something drastic like hurting yourself or having a complete make-over, I know you have that need inside, that's normal, it too shall pass.

Don't try to get over him too quickly, there are five stages of grief. You need to get through these stages before you can go on without having negative thoughts echoing behind of your mind. Here are the stages:

1.)Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
2.)Anger (why is this happening to me?)
3.)Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
4.)Depression (I don't care anymore)
5.)Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Note: you might encounter these stages below as well, it's normal.

1.)Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation)
2.)Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss)
3.)Reorganization (re-entry into a more 'normal' social life.)

It's normal to have such painful feeling, I understand. It too has taken me awhile before I realized that life is not all that bad. It's good even. Remember, this too shall pass. Just go on and give it time.

Be strong. I know you can.

Answer 5

girl what you need is to learn to love your self! No man or woman can give your heart what you need to be fulfilled you must give it to yourself! It truly does not matter what anyman thinks about you and don't let what anyone thinks you are validate you,....you validate yourself and you will see that either you are totally happy and loved just being single or you will have a relationship that will mirror who you truly are.....be careful out in the world there are traps everywhere and if you know this when going into anything you will be on guard and wise of the tricks of the devil, he wants you to hate yourself and think that you are ugly, so don't give him a foot in the door.....ok? please love yourself treat yourself the way you would like to be treated by a man....in every area....another tip is if you put Jesus as your main relationship and let him be lord of your life you will find blessings everywhere you turn......he will also prepare you a wonderful relationship with a man if you let him, he knows your wants and needs and can repair each and everyone of problems if you give all to him and just give him gratefulness and love him.

john 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Answer 6

I dont know how old u are, but everyone has to learn a lesson. as u move on u will realize that in order for a relationship to work there needs to be respect and honesty, by watching porn and talking about other females during intimacy should have been a red light for you, join a gym, go back to school, forget this looser, eventually he will realize his mistake, but dont waist your time worrying about someone who isnt worth it... Life is too short.

Answer 7

My ex was just like him, he was emotionally abusive. Then, when he said he needed "space" and that "space" lasted 4 months I got mad..... Really really mad. My advice? Don't blame yourself, get mad at him. Pity his new gf because I can tell you she's got a bad deal, and move on.
He's a loser. Listen to some Beyoncé "run the world" "single ladies" and "best thing I never had" are good ones ;)

Answer 8

You have given him control over your mind . He has put up a tent and made himself at home . Take the control back ! I'm serious here as long as you allow his actions to control your thoughts and attitude you GIVE him control . TAKE IT BACK !

Answer 9

Try finding a good church where you will learn that your "self worth" has nothing to do with you or other people. If you keep looking to other and to yourself for worth and fulfillment you'll never find it.