Should I let my daughters fathers new wife pick her up for weekend visitation?

Question

We seperated 8 yrs ago, and I've remarried. When my daughter was almost 3 she called her step father dad, and still does. Her bi-father wasn't in her life as a toddler because he had to serve time. He was really angry that she called her step-dad daddy, but she calls her real dad daddy also. He has many fiances since then, but now has gotton married. She seems nice, but what is exceptable as her being a step mom? She's already called once to make plans for them to get 'our' daughter when they were dating, and I said he could come and get her. I predict that she'll try to step in where she doesn't belong. My husband stays out of my conversations with my ex when it involves 'our' daughter. What would you do in this situation?

*she has 3 children of her own that her ex raises, 2 states away.

Answer 1

Your husband does the right thing. His intervention would only make things worse, as will the new Step-moms. Your gut is probably right, but there is no way to tell for sure until it happens. Just hope that she is mindful that you and your ex are your daughter's parents, and she doesn't go overboard with discipline and such. Lot sof times the Step parent will try to show the child thay they are the boss right at first and then the child will resent them. Good luck. I was lucky enough to have a step mom like your husband. She let my dad handle us, and didn't act like our "new mom".

Answer 2

Its the fathers responsibility to pick up his daughter. Since being released from prison or jail, how much QUALITY time has he spent with his daughter?
He should be reminded that it is his own fault that his child calls someone else daddy, had he not made unwise choices things may have been different.
Is he still the kind of man now that has quick chance of doing something else that will land him behind bars again?
To find out whether or not she is acceptable as a stepparent, put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself if this your stepchild how would you behave?
Its hard releasing your child knowing that there is gonna be another woman in her life with you ex, thats going to pose as a parent.
Its easy to assume she will go where she isnt wanted nor needed. Unless you have a court order stating that only HE can pick up your daughter, your wasting your breath by telling her she cant pick up the child.
I understand your concern about this woman taking your place as a mother in your ex hsbands home, but remember your ex husband is having and has had the same feelings about your current husband taking his place with your daughter.
if you would like to talk,
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You do need to remeber though that as there are rules for you child in your home, there will be rules for your child in your exhusband and his new wifes home.
The child shold obey the rules of the house as long as they do not interfere with the rules she already kows and adheres to.
If you belittle your ex's wife in front of your daughter, your daughter will follow your example, and thus will make it a battle for your daughter, her father and his wife to get along, and her father will feel forced to choose between his daughter and his wife. No one should have to do that.
You as her mother can either help or hurt the situation. In the end what happens wont effect you as much as it will her.

Answer 3

looking on the place you reside the guidelines for new child custody differs. once you divorced a determine plan could have been placed into place. That parenting plan is a binding settlement between the former spouses on how the youngster would be raised and what new child rearing judgements would be made by whom. Any violation could be reported to the courts. if your daughter desires to stay with you and she or he's the figuring out age than take that to court as properly. i'm divorced.I stay in Illinois and my ex lives in Tennessee. We the two force a million/2 way each time for visitations.

Answer 4

I don't think it would be a problem as long as she don't try and act like her mom. You know cause if she has 3 kids that she can't take care of I would be careful. For them to take her Children away she was PROVEN to be a UNFIT mother... If you get what I mean. Most Judges are not gonna take children away from there mothers unless there is a big problem. I would keep the peace for now and if she Messes up just talk to your EX he might get mad but those are YOUR kids Not hers...
Good Luck I hope ever thing works out for the best.

Answer 5

It seems to me that you both have worked this whole thing out very well, i don't see how this can be a problem.
You are married now, and your husband is like a father to your daughter, you shouldn't take that person out of your children's life with no reason. She is just trying to be a part of her husband's life, and that includes your daugther.
On the other hand, your daugther is old enougth to take care of her self, and to accept or not that person in her life by her own, and it will happen only if she is nice with your daugther, if not, your daugther by herself will tell you that she doesn't want her to pick her up.
Don't worry too much, you have to be there and support your daugther to go trougth those changes. If they are being dificult to you, imagine how dificult would it be to her.

Answer 6

i would simply have them over for dinner when your daughter is at a friend's or grandparent's house and have a discussion on the dynamics of your "family".

of course, as her step-mom she does have a role to play in your daughter's life and you don't want to trash that. ever see "step-mom" with julia roberts or "new adventures of old christine"(tv show)???? these are perfect examples of mom/step-mom issues.
you have been her primary care-giver her whole life therefore it was easy to have her step-dad come in as a father figure. however, i bet it hurt her bi-father pretty deeply to hear her call someone else "dad".
it sounds like you all have a lot to work out and it doesn't really involve your daughter. it's adult stuff. setting boundaries etc.

such as....
-yes, step-mom can make plans and pick her up for visitations. (that strikes me as a "woman" thing to do). hope that makes sense.
-she shouldn't be involved when it comes to disciplining. if she disagrees with something you do, she needs to "zip it" and follow your lead.


these are just examples, but a great family like yours is interesting and needs boundaries. it's a great thing for your daughter to have 4 parents that love her, but there needs to be boundaries for your husband and his wife.

i hope you all can be adults and reasonable with this and i wish you all the strength and diplomacy in dealing with this situation.

also, don't forget that she is probably feeling kind of akward having an "instant" family that isn't really hers.....

so, take care!

Answer 7

I don't know about in your state, but in mine, the bio-parent can appoint anyone to pick up or drop off a child for visitation periods. (sucks I know...but it is law)

I have 1 SD...she is 9. Her bio-mom abandoned her with us over 3 years ago. I have to admit that I butt in alot when it comes to my SD. I feel like she is my daughter too b/c she lives with us and I take care of her about 80% of the time by myself! I have stepped up for my SD b/c her own mom won't!!!

I know that it pisses off my SD's bio-mom but I really don't care, I am not worried about what she thinks, wants, or feels...All I am concerned about is my SD. (She has called me mommy from day one!)

I know that it must be hard in your situation, but if this new woman is married to your daughters bio-father and she is going to be with him, than she is going to be in your daughter's life too! Give her the benefit of the doubt that she is going to treat your daughter with respect and love. Your daughter with him is part of the new step-mom's life too now....just as your new hubby is. There is no difference.

Answer 8

you need to trust that your daughters biological father wouldn't put his girl in harms way.. just the same that the biological father has to accept that your new husband is good to your girl.

she's both your'alls girl.. so you have to respect his side.. and he's married.. which means its a commitment to his new wife.. that he's a changed man and it's good that your girl spends that time with him and his new life.

Answer 9

yes u should as u both moved on with ur lives and plus the kids are innocent why involve the kids in an adult situation

Answer 10

As she is now married to your husband and the child will be in her home, she does belong and have some say.Why make things harder than they need to be!
~waiting~