Feeling down anyone got any rude sexist (men & women) Jokes?

Question

I needs cheering up !!

Answer 1

Q What do you call a clever blonde?
A A Golden Retriever

Q How do make a woman do 2 things at once?
A Put the bed in the kitchen

Answer 2

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"










A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."







A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."











butcher is in his shop when a labradour comes in , stands on his hind legs and drops a list on the counter

butcher gathers the items on the list and puts them in a bag and rights out a bill and puts it in the dogs mouth

the dog drops the list and reads it then drops a ten pound note on the counter tucked in his collar

the butcher thought this odd but gave the change to the dog in the bag and handed it down , the dog b*ggered off

this went on weekly for several months and finally got the better of the butcher

so he followed the dog

he went to the fishmonger , baker and greengrocer and performed the same routine , then went to cross the road and stood on his hind legs to activate the traffic light crossing

he went up the road and the butcher followed thinking what a wonderfull dog

finallyit arrived outside a house where it opened the gate and closed it behing it , wiped its feet on the mat and knocked on the door

a man answered and instantly kicked the dog in the nuts repeatedly

whoa whoa shouted the now angered butcher , what are you doing do you know how clever your dog is

to which the man replied

IF HE IS THAT CLEVER WHY DID HE FORGET HIS KEY

Answer 3

Natalie feels like a recognition for a common women human beings precise activist or a secretary which do each and every thing to be promoted on her job utilising her women human beings reward. in any case, save telling that imbecilic fact of yours to your self, in keeping with risk women human beings rather get extra suited at tackling jokes on the top:)

Answer 4

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Answer 5

www.amazingjoke.com
this site has some good 'adult' themed jokes, like---
I know I'm not going to understand women - I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Two five-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to pee.
One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!”
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?” the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

Answer 6

Men are like bananas, the older they get the less firm they are
Men are like weather, nothing can be done to change them
Men are like commercials, can't believe a word that they say
Men are like parking spots, all the good ones are taken
Men are like government bonds, they take so long to mature

Hope you cracked a smile by now.

Answer 7

So many men, so little aspirin.

If they can send a man to the moon, why can't they send them ALL?

Why do men think they don't need directions when they can't even find their clean socks?

The Evolution of Man:
1. Tadpole
2. Frog
3. Prince Charming
4. Royal Pain

They say its a mans world....
So THATS whats wrong with it.

MEN! They sweep you off your feet then try to hand you the broom.

Men don't TRY to drive woman crazy, it just comes NATURALLY.

Woman are born with something men will never possess:
a CLUE!

Answer 8

The best goal keeper in the world is a woman. Because no matter how hard or which way you f*ck her, you cant get the balls in!!!


Q. How to satisfy a woman??
A. Caress, excite, cuddle, kiss, fascinate, spoil, rub, tease, pamper, console, adore, worship, respect and love..

Q. How to satisfy a man??
A. Bl*w job!!

Answer 9

Did you hear about the scientist who invented a bra that stopped boobs from jiggling or nipples sticking out?

His colleeges kicked **** out of him.


Why did the architect have his house made backwards?

So they could both watch the TV! (better told that one than written...!)


A blonde goes into a shop and sees a metallic tube about 12 inches long and 2 inches wide. She's never seen one before so she asks the shop assistant what it is.
'It's a thermos flask,' she is told(don't worry, that's not the punch line!).
'What's it for?' she asks.
'It's for keeping hot things hot,' the assistant replies. 'And cold things cold.'
'Wow, that's AMAAAAAZING,' says the blonde. 'I'll take one!!!'
Next day, at work, the blonde has her thermos flask proudly on display on her desk. Her blonde workmate comes up and asks, in dismay, what this shiney silver wonder is.
'It's a thermos flask,' says the blonde.
'What's it for?' asks the workmate.
'It's for keeping hot things hot and cold things cold,' says the blonde.
'Wow, that's AMAAAAAAZING!' says the workmate. 'What have you got in it?!'

'A cup of coffee and an ice lolly.'

Answer 10

What's the difference between a girfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.