my mom and dad got divorced a few years ago. even though i am an adult it really hurt me. he did it out of no where. he was seeing some one before the divorse and moved in together and me and the new wife never got a long in the first place. she is a very mean women. has said alot of hurtful things to me and my dad's side of the family. now we do not talk at all. he lies, tells me empty promises, and steals. this is not my dad.. i was a daddy's girl growing up and it is killing me. i have 3 kids now that do not know their grandpa... they look at the picture i have of him and they ask who he is. i never thought in a million years that i was going to be going through this.. any advise??
2006-09-05 01:28:58 · 16 answers · asked by crystal s 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Hi Crystal, my Dad also remarried when I was an adult and his wife is abusive and controlling towards him and he is cut off from his children and my own three children as well.
Although I love my father dearly, I have come to realise that, sad as it is, He is making the choice to stay with this woman in a very unhealthy relationship and I cannot change that, only he can.
What I can suggest is this:
1.consider getting some counseliing to help you to deal with the feelings of hurt, grief, betrayal etc. You then DO have some strategies to manage your own feelings and life choices.
2. try to focus on the positive relationships in your life, your precious children, you, your family etc as we only have one life and all deserve a good one!
3. Be prepared to let go off contacting your father while he is behaving in ways that are unsafe, unhealthy and distressing. HE is an adult, even if he is not behaving like one and sometimes we have to practise TOUGH LOVE by letting go for a while. Sometimes even our parents have to learn by their mistakes! This doesn't mean that you are being disloyal, just doing what is best and safe for you and your children, by keeping this behaviour out of your lives.
4. If you feel comforatable, pray for your dad - it certainly couldn't hurt!
5. My very best to you and your family, and although it does hurt to see a parent being unstable, it doesn't define your value or worth: Every life is precious and this means so are YOU!!!
6 Find things that make you feel happy healthy and share them with the ones who love you in ways that are balanced and safe!
Bless you!
2006-09-05 01:52:35 · answer #1 · answered by Rach N 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Apparently he was not happy being married to your mother. While that is a painful thing to come to terms with, its the truth.
Many times parents (you are one so you do understand this) will protect their kids from their own failed relationships until they just have to leave, and the kids are left with not knowing what in the world just happened.
It sounds like your father has done some personality changes, but my guess is, you are seeing the real person. Your mother must be of better character than his new wife, because she brought out the better person in him.
If you really want your father in your life, you are going to have to be the bigger person. You are going to have to put the past aside, and forgive him for being human and a flawed person. If you want your kids to know him, then why not start there? Suggest he meet you and the kids at a playground where he can just watch them play. Don't include the wife unless you want to, she is not their grandmother. Don't talk about anything of the past, just talk about the kids and what they are doing in school or other activities. Make it a short day, then go on your way.
Its a first step. You need to probably get some counseling to come to terms with this, your dad didn't do this to hurt you, but you got hurt all the same.
2006-09-05 01:49:53 · answer #2 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know, if I were in your shoes I would just beat the living crap out of the new women. There is no reason for her to reat you this way and as far as your dad, even though he is going through this trying time, you should not keep him away from the kids. Now if it is his decision then let it be. You should try some kind of intervention with him or at least tell him how you feel about the situation. If nothing changes from there I advise you to just bear with the hurt. I do not know what your beliefs are but prayer is the best answer to all problems.
Good Luck! :)
2006-09-05 01:40:32 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I suggest Family counseling..FAST!! You need to talk to your father and his wife and honestly let them know how you feel. First of all if your father had been truly happy with your mother the marriage would not have ended. So maybe you do not know the whole story there. (There are always 2 sides to every story.) Maybe your anger over the breakup is keeping you from fully trying to get to know & get along with his new wife or maybe it is keeping you from listening to his side of this situation. It is hard to have a family break up but your father has the right to his choices he makes in his own life. In the end it is him who has to live with his choices. As for his new wife and her actions- you said you didn't get along with her from the start - that sounds like a natural reaction since you were hurt by the breakup of your family to start with. You need closure on that first so that is something you & your father & mother need to deal with. As for his new wife..Honestly - She married him not you & the family. Maybe you just haven't given her the chance to get to really know her and she is reacting "mean" because she feels threatened or feels she is protecting your father..I don't know the situation. What I do know is that you all need to get counsiling so that you can work towards an answer. Good Luck!
2006-09-05 02:07:23 · answer #4 · answered by lil redneck 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know it must be very hard for you.,but i think you need to sit down with your children and tell them the truth.Let them know who he is and what kind of life he has chosen over his family. The truth is the best thing to tell your children,then they can make up thier own minds about him. As far as you and your dad,,let him do what he wants,,,you cant change his mind about things,,maybe his new wife has him brainwashed,,,and he cant see past that. Maybe one day he will realize the kind of pain he caused you,,,or maybe he wont. Just be strong for your kids. Some people just dont see things the way they should. Let him go and find it in your heart to forgive him for the choices hes making. Stay strong for your children,,,,good luck.
2006-09-05 01:36:38 · answer #5 · answered by michelle 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry that u feel like your dad has chosen his new wife over his family. That sucks!! But as an adult, sometimes you have to just let things go. If you want your kids to know their grandpa, then do it!! It doesn't sound like he is gonna be the one to push this, so you have to.
2006-09-05 02:03:06 · answer #6 · answered by Traci S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I found myself on the sidelines as the same thing happened to my wife's father after his second marriage (which followed a long term girlfriend after her parents' initial divirce, which created acrimony that survives beyond his passing to this day).
While my wife was fortunately able to see him and talk out all of their issues while he was on his deathbed from cancer, his widow basically screwed her and her brother out of any potential estate that would of recieved. She grabbed everything that she could, sold the house, car and all of his property, made herself into an epitomy of money-grubbing evil, left her dead husband's entire family without a single penny from him and without a single feeling left unhurt, and then skipped town to go live with her own natural daughter from her first marriage, to enjoy a comfortable retirement.
I'm sorry to say that I have little advice except to come to grips with his decisions (he is an adult, after all) and start living your life as if your father has already passed away.
If he ever tries to contact you again, let him know that his decision to favor his new wife over his family will result in his coffin eventually being carried by no direct relatives; if he's OK with this, let him go - he's already gone.
2006-09-05 01:44:48 · answer #7 · answered by drumrb0y 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i'm only 17 but i know how you feel. my parents got a divorce when i was 6 and it hurt me. my dad was i jail for a long time. i am a daddy's girl i'm his only child and he got married and his wife didn't like me so i called her a b*t*h. and i hit her. my dad asked me why i did that and i told him. and you know what he divorced her. because she did the same thing as your dads wife. i don't know my grandpa and you know what i say it's his fault if he doesn't want to know his granddaughter oh well.
2006-09-05 01:39:50 · answer #8 · answered by Crystal S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can totally understand you being angry at your dad, but is it worth losing him? I let my anger keep me away from my dad for too long. He died suddenly, and I'll never get over it. My advice, make peace with your dad, You don't have to like what he's done, but you can still love him and have him in your life, even if it's just having dinner now and then.
2006-09-05 01:33:55 · answer #9 · answered by Kerry 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well my dad does the same thing to me and my sister so i sat them all down and tryed to talk about it but my dad and his new gf acted a crazy and started getting in my face so the last resort i chose was to kick some a** but it didnt help with his gf but she knows not to mess with me and my dad kinda listened but the progess is slow but u should tell him how u feel about it just talk to him alone and see if that works but if it doesnt then dont stop trying
hope i helped
2006-09-05 01:44:34 · answer #10 · answered by seth c 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋