Is it normal not to like your own parents ???

Question

I dont hate them I just don't understand them. There the type of people who don't need children !! I don't have a relationship with them right now because they have hurt me my whole life and now as an adult it has done alot of damage to me today. They were good providers but that's about it. I haven't seen my father in 4 years and my mom in a couple of months. I love them, but i just don't wanna be bothered.

Answer 1

Hi Samantha,

Nobody makes it through life without disliking his or her parents at some point. Some parents cause this dislike to last longer than it does for other people. Thankfully, the dislike only lasts as long as the friction-causing incident. All of us remember restrictions and other punishments and lashing out at our parents in anger because of them.

Unfortunately, some of us have experiences that cause the dislike to continue past the point when we leave home. I know people that spend ten years isolating themselves from one or both parents, and then find perspective that allows them to put the past behind them. I know others, me included, which despite decades of perspective, have no reason to “forgive and forget.”

In my case, mental and physical abuse caused me to lose trust and respect in my parents. My ex-father chose me for his personal punching bag and loads of verbal abuse from a very early age. Until I turned 16, I never understood why out of five children, he chose me for the focus of his frustrations. During a marital squabble, he listed all of his grievances with my mother, including that he believed she had an affair with his best friend and that affair resulted in my birth. He backed up his belief by pointing out that that of the five children I was the only one with A+ blood, the only one with brown hair, and the only one with blue eyes. I happened to walk into the living room during that squabble to overhear all of the so-called “proof.” Having just completed the basics of genetics in high school biology, I jumped into the squabble and ran down the genetics of the blood types, eye and hair colors, showing the holes in his proof.

At least I had some tangible reason for the abuse through the years. I also had the ammunition I needed to stop the abuse. The next time he came at me, I stood up to him telling him that since he believed that I was not his biological child, he had no right to discipline me. I also let him know that the next time he touched me he needed to have his grave already dug. (I was sixteen and a bit of a hothead.) In any event, that day marked my last voluntary conversation with the man.

It took another ten years before my parents finally divorced. During the divorce process, I finally had the opportunity to get to know my mother. Although we lived several hundred miles apart, we spent hours on the telephone talking about everything. During those conversations, I began to forgive my mother for not protecting me as a kid. I realized that she went through the same emotional abuse that I did. As a kid, I did not possess the perspective to understand that, leading to my distrust of her during my childhood and into young adulthood. My relationship with my mother began to grow from that point and the two of us enjoy a relationship that I believe is stronger than what she has with the rest of my siblings. That does not mean that the others are not close to her, but the relationship that my mother and I share is stronger because of the shared abuse.

My siblings have off-and-on relationships with their father, and I listen when they want to rant and try to remain objective when they seek my advice. Despite the fact that should I see my ex-father on fire, I would not walk two steps to spit on him in an attempt to extinguish the flames, I cannot ask my siblings to give up what relationship they have with him. The few times that family events cause my ex-father and I to encounter each other, I experience a physical and visceral reaction so bad that my siblings make strong efforts to physically stay between us. Never in the nearly 30 years since the last time the two of us talked has that man ever attempted to apologize to me, and one of my brothers told me that he has asked him to do so more than once. My brother tells me that the man refuses to admit what he did, despite the rest of the family telling him that they knew what he did to me.

After saying all of that, yes, disliking ones parents is perfectly normal and even justifiable in some cases. Despite the religious beliefs of many that we must forgive, sometimes the person deserves no forgiveness in this life. In my case, I prefer to leave that between him and God: I plan to skip the part where I list my grievances.


Good luck!

Will D
Enterprise AL
http://www.notagz.com

Answer 2

Your childhood was very unfortunate. However, for your own sake, it can be in your best interest to get to know them now that you are an adult and wiser. After all they are the only mother and father you will ever have and when they are gone that chapter in your life will be closed forever.
You may find out some valuable information about their lives that can possibly be redeeming to you and fill an empty void in your own life.
Remember...no one is perfect. They could have been scared to death or simply and honestly did the best they could. One thing for sure you can learn from them and do a much better job with your own children. And you certainly want to be able to tell yours all the answers to their questions and enable them to have a good understanding of their grand parents.

At any rate the more you learn about them, the more you will learn about yourself. While you're at it, try and learn as much as you can about as many of your ancestors and as far back as you can. It is good to know from which you came. Take the good with the bad...and you might find something to be very proud about.

Its up to you...knowing where you came from can help you get where you are going.

Answer 3

They are people with faults like everyone else. You need to just get past all of this blaming them for everything and make your life what you want it to be.
The problem with kids, is that they never see the whole picture of what was happening behind the scenes. There may have been reasons that you knew nothing about for their ways of dealing with you or problems that they had.
Once you have walked in their shoes and had a few kids of your own, you may understand. Right now, you just are sounding like a child that is crying the, "Boohoo, my parents done me wrong" song.
You'll get over it.

Answer 4

They say,U never miss the water till the well runs dry,you're not alone in feeling like that, lots of children of parents go through that,I myself did! I'm now 60 years old, and I think back to that time and wonder, could I have made things better between us, was I the selfish *** who did'nt open up the lines of communitcation,or what.Time takes care of a lot stuff we can never figure.You think when you get older,you had wish you had biten the bullet? If it's bothering you now, making you wonder if it's normal,just put it on the shelf for now, and keep floatin,you will be answered.

Answer 5

I'm so sorry that you missed all the hugs and kisses you should have got as a child. it's to late to go back now. but you can break the cycle and make your own live. and find a man that really loves you and is not a drunk or drug user.if this happenes you can start a new cycle a loving cycle and forget your parents ask them if you were a mistake and thats why there is no love in your family so sad kids need to know that they are loved. look to the future not the past good luck to dale

Answer 6

You do not want to be bothered? What a shame!

Too bad they bothered to bring you into the world! The main thing that they did wrong was to work too hard and too long so that the could put a dry roof over your ungrateful head, food in your greed gut, because you haven't bothered to buy any of it to help out. Worse, they saw to it that you had a warm, dry bed to sleep in and a clean place to wash your nasty, selfish, ungrateful butt!

You don't want to be bothered! What a loser!

While you are cutting them out of your life, pay your debt off, the cost for bring you up[ - - every penny of it!
Too bad you were not born to parents in Africa, where children are raped at random, their arms cut off because they live with the wrong tribe, no running water, tent, school, or food!

Just as good would have been for you to have been born in the middle east. Can not go out side without a male, ware a iron mask over your face, and cloth from head to toe. School is about being a sex slave to the male. You don't like that, then they just shoot you!

Answer 7

Some parents do many stupid things to their children but most of them don't mean it. Don't let that affect the rest of your life.

there is a wisw saying: You 'll never be a son or daughter untill you become a parent. Just take some time away from them, wait untill the wounds heal a little bit and then go and tell them how you feel.

But please don't let that afecct you in any way in the course of your life. You got a choice.

Answer 8

Some times parents seem to neglic there children while they are growing up. They have to work etc , Then when they get older and about to retire they want to spend more time with there kids and grandkids.. It is not they did not love you, they just probly felt they had other obligations. Try and talk to them give them a chance to really get to know you. If they don't want to then I am sorry for them, since you really seem to care. Good Luck Pem

Answer 9

You dont have to like them if they were not good to you. And its good you dont hate them because that is unhealthy but if this situation is making you suffer then talk to a therapist or a clergy person. Probably the best is to still have a relationship with them, with a lot of distance between you and with lots of boundaries. That way, you can still feel you are a good daughter but you dont need to be their buddy!

Answer 10

There is this book that I purchased for totally different reasons but I saw in the front exercises that help a person to understand why their parents are the way they are. It might give you some insight! The book is "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise L Hays.

Answer 11

It is not the Norm, it sucks,

but you might have been really hard on them there whole lives making then not want to be around you. look in to what you did 1st and then see if that has anything to do with it

and if you found what you did was wrong, then tell them you are sorry, maybe that will makes things better