Can you cheer me up??

Question

I had a really bad day today. Do you have a good joke or something? First person to make me laugh gets the points!

kitkat, what was a good one!! I have to wait 4 hours to vote, but you are the first to make me laugh. Thanks for sharing!

Answer 1

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
>>out as a handy-woman. She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
>>neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and
>>asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
>>
>>"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said.
>>"How much will you charge me?"
>>
>>The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
>>
>>The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
>>need were in the garage.
>>
>>The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
>>"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the
>>house?"
>>
>>"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
>>
>>The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm just starting to
>>believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes you always hear."
>>
>>A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
>>money.
>>
>>"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
>>
>>"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
>>two coats."
>>
>>Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and
>>handed it to her.
>>
>>"And by the way," she added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Corvette!"
Cheer up! im blonde and even I think this is a funny joke

Answer 2

Two lads go moose hunting every year but never seem to get a moose.
One year the first says, "why don't we get a female moose costume, I'll learn the female mating call, we can stand in a field, and when a male moose is lured, we'll shoot it."
The second agrees, so they get a costume and one guy goes in the front, the other in the back. They find a field in the woods.
Pretty soon the moose call attracts a large bull moose who begins to wander towards them.
The guy is the rear says " It's working! It's working! Pass me the gun."
The guy in the front says " I didn't bring the gun, I thought you did"
The guy in the rear asks "What'll we do now?"
To which the guy in the front answer, "Well I'm going to pretend that I'm eating grass....but you better brace yourself

Answer 3

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four
hour,surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial
sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles
black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the
other, gently lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close
look
and
says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look just fine!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you so very much. That was really wonderful but listen very,
very
closely......A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"


hope this worked lol, darla

Answer 4

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide
who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the
systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen
all over, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food
and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body
wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to
see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible
for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so
in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach
was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood
was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

In order to be a boss one does not need to be smart, have vision or
speed.

All you have to be is an asshole."

Answer 5

what did the drug dealer say to the crackhead on labor day. i'm sorry but the dope is out. come back during business hours. so the crackhead is so eager to smoke he goes crazy and sniffs on pizza dough. and then he goes to the dealer i got something you did not make today. he asked what. dough.

Answer 6

i seen a girl so flat chested she could slide up hill
thanx-a-million
nate
hollar

Answer 7

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A dictator!