My wife's 10 year old has been staying at his grandmas over some of the summer holidays. We got him back yesterday as hes back at school in the morning. While he was there, he fed his grandma lies about how I, his step dad, treat him and his brother. now hes home, he has told us that he doesnt want to live with us anymore and wants to live with his paternal grandma, giving no real reason other than "its more fun there".
His grandma has a history of psycotic episodes and drink problems that usually result in violence or suicide attempts.
We've tried to talk and reason with him but we're very worried about how manipulative she is and feel like we have no control.
She has given both boys mobile phones and we think she is using these to influence them while they are at home. She has done this before and knows our feelings on such young children having mobiles.
How do we deal with this, what can we do to make this right without ending up as the bad guys or losing the kids?
2006-09-04 12:30:32 · 10 answers · asked by andy h 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
First of all, give the phones back. If she did not consult you about them first, then she should have not bought them.
My husband and I are dealing with something very similiar between us and his mother. She also manipluates our 13 year old son the same way. We have decided to stand agaisnt her and tell her how we feel about what she is doing. The best thing the two of you can do is lay down the rules with her and your son and STICK WITH THEM.
I also think he should not visit her over holidays anymore. Cut her off, if you have too. She will get the hint and behave better.
2006-09-04 12:36:31 · answer #1 · answered by Hot Pants 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, it is not uncommon for kids to want to stay with someone who makes everyday seem like a holiday. Many children are also very good at manipulating their situations by telling how badly they are treated, and the other party (namely the grandmother) will say, "Oh how awful, here have a cell phone." It is their way of making themselves the hero.
People who have psychotic episodes, and drink alot, often have a skewed view of how children should be brought up. I know that a lot of parents feel guilty about not letting their children see and spend time with the grandparents, but if what you are saying about the psychosis and alcoholism is true, I would think twice about leaving him without your supervision.
The bottom line is, this is your child and if you don't want him to have a cell phone, then take it away. It doesn't matter what grandma says, you are the responsible parents. Your child may want to go and live with the grandma, but that is not a possiblity. So just tell him that it isn't going to happen, and move on. He may try and make things miserable for a few days, but when you don't relent, he will get over it. You don't have to make big explanations to him about why, because you are the parents. This will also be teaching him a lesson about trying to manipulate you. As long as you stick to your guns, he is going to realize that he cannot do anything to shake what you believe about your family.
Good luck and take care.
2006-09-04 14:31:04 · answer #2 · answered by just me 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I agree with some of the other answers. The phones should have been discussed. External family members can influence things. I agree that grandma probably let them do what they wanted, and if she does drink she's then out cold and the kid had free rain of the house. Kid is probably irked school is starting and funtime is over. Plus he may have an anger issue, your not his biological father. If just recently in his life, that may be an issue. If you've been in his life a long time now, he is trying to be manipulative with possible help from grandma to "get his way". Your the one working for the roof over the head, food in the fridge, bills etc. Your a family whether he likes it or not and have every right to have say so when it comes to a CHILD that you are taking care of. Your wife has to back you on all of that, or it is pointless!!
2006-09-04 13:21:42 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well, you can't do much as you aren't the parent. Your wife, however, needs to be the parent and realize talking and reasoning with a 10 year old has it's limits. The mobile phones can be taken from them which I would do in about 2 seconds. Kids need to know there are limits, rules, and standards and those need to be enforced firmly, gently, but consistently. The kids will likely try to make you the bad guys. Big deal! Let 'em. They aren't in charge.
2006-09-04 12:43:26 · answer #4 · answered by DelK 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Hmm, the only reason he like to go there is because he dont have any rules and she probably doesnt watch over them very well. I understand you love him, but what if you let him stay with her for a little more time and see what happens? Maybe he wont want to live with her after he gets to move in with her "permently" because things will change. And you could always compromise and say okay we will let you ONLY IF you go to school and dont miss any and make good grades and be responsible. Sounds good to me. And then in the mean time you two have a chance to spend more time together!
This way he thinks he is winning, and in a way you are to because you will be getting more time for each other and he has to commit to making good grades and good school attendence if he wants to continue living there..
And if he didnt make him come back home. Simple has that.
2006-09-04 12:50:57 · answer #5 · answered by mellow_26241 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
ok for one people have problems you shouldn't use it against someone. the kids you guys are the parents you put your foot down. you need to sit down with them and talk to them with them giving you reasons why they want to live with their grandma and take it from there. or you get the grandma and you the mom and the grandma sit down with the kids and talk to them. this way if they are making up lies you guys can talk about everything. she might be making it more fun there so they want to come live with her. but you and the mom are in charge of the kids.
2006-09-04 13:51:45 · answer #6 · answered by teddybearleogirl 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
That's hard. However, I think it's best to limit their time with grandma. Sometimes parents just have to be the bad guys, it sucks, but it's part of the job. The kids will hate it now, but they will get over it.
2006-09-04 12:35:52 · answer #7 · answered by Amber D 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You better not let him go back. Id get him into counseling, all of you should be there. Hes got to realize hes wanting to be there for the wrong reasons. Just dont let him go back. You are the parents, you have the control, not him.
2006-09-07 03:14:30 · answer #8 · answered by ~~ 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Ditch the phones - you are the decision-makers, not her. And tell your son he belongs at home. End of story. Sorry, but I don't agree with children walking all over parents.
2006-09-04 12:38:23 · answer #9 · answered by ? 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
honestly, the first thing you need to do is ask guidance from God on how to deal with it. Trust me, everything works together for good.
2006-09-04 12:51:37 · answer #10 · answered by justsexy 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋