bring em on!
2006-09-04 11:59:35 · 9 answers · asked by carine-bean 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
What do you call 100 rabbits jumping backwards?
A receding hare line.
2006-09-04 12:06:29 · answer #1 · answered by pixiechick 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Two gators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how
you kin be so much bigger n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as
kids. I just don't get it."
Well," said the big gator, "What you been eatin boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.
"Hmm. Well, where you been catchin' em?"
"Down to the left side of the swamp near the parkin lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the
car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the **** out of 'em,
and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin'
any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin'
the **** out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a
briefcase.
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2006-09-04 19:17:27 · answer #2 · answered by ridingthestorm_out 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have three for you.
Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.
"I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause 7 days a week he's up."
"I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it."
"Mine's gonna be Mikes Hard Lemonade."
"You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."
"Exactly."
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God the Father as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They are given the task, and began to type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan indignantly protests, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life with a vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Satan, when are you going to learn ...Jesus saves!"
What does a homosexual cow eat?
*Gay voice*------- Haaaaaaay!
2006-09-04 23:09:43 · answer #3 · answered by Simply_Me 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
2006-09-04 19:09:51 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Mr Smith goes to visit the doctor to get his wife's test results. Unfortunately the doctor has two patients called Mrs Smith that he has test results for and his receptionist has mixed up the results.
The doctor says to Mr Smith "Well now. Due to a mix up in test results I am not sure if your wife has Alzheimer's Disease or Aids"
Mr Smith is horrified and says to the doctor "How do we know what disease my wife has now?"
The doctor gives the dilemma a moments thought and he replies "I'll tell you what you can do. When you go home send your wife for a walk around the block..... and if she comes back don't screw her"
2006-09-04 21:20:02 · answer #5 · answered by galopin_1872 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
2006-09-04 19:09:37 · answer #6 · answered by HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
A group of young catholic girls died and asked to be admitted to heaven but St Peter told them: Not so fast girls, first all of you who are no longer maidens go into that corner of the pearly gates. No fibbing mind you, I have ways to check up on you. All the girls except one moved into the corner.
Aha said St Peter, I thought so, take them away Gabriel and watch that little one in the opposite corner. She is stone deaf.
2006-09-05 00:50:05 · answer #7 · answered by flugelberry 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Billie Bob Jr, locked his keys in the car yesterday.......
We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out!
2006-09-04 21:25:34 · answer #8 · answered by mom of a boy and girl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Three kids once went to the circus. Soon they were brought before a judge. He asked the first boy, "What's your name?" "Johnny!" "What did you do, Johnny?" "I threw peanuts in the elephant pen!" "Oh, that's okay, you're free to go." The judge asked the second boy, "What's your name?" "Billy!" "What did you do, Billy?" "I threw peanuts in the elephant pen!" "Oh, that's not so bad, you can go." The judge asked the third boy, "What's your name?" "Peanuts!"
One day there was a flood. A man was trapped on the roof of his house. A lifeboat came by, and the men onboard said, "Come on, jump in, we'll save you!" "No, no, God will save me." So the lifeboat moved on. Pretty soon, a second lifeboat came by. The crew spoke, "Hey, get on, you'll be safe!" "No, that's okay, God will save me." So the second lifeboat moved on. Soon a helicopter flew by and lowered a ladder to the man. "Climb up the ladder! We'll save you!" "I have faith that God will save me." Well, the man died in the flood. When he got to heaven, he asked God, "Hey, God, why didn't you save me?" God replied, "I sent two boats and a helicopter, buddy, where were you?"
One day three kids, Johnny, Billy, and Ted, died and went to heaven. When they got there, an angel told them, "Okay, you can wander freely around here, but don't step on any ducks." The three boys agreed, and were careful not to step on any ducks. Johnny stepped on a duck, and suddenly this incomprehensibly ugly woman with hair all over her body was standing next to him. "What happened!?" Billy and Ted asked. "I stepped on a duck," Johnny answered. So the three of them...and the ugly woman...walked on. Billy stepped on a duck, and suddenly a grotesque, inhuman girl materialized right before him and clung to his arm. "What happened!?" Johnny and Ted asked. Billy replied, "I stepped on a duck." So the three boys...and the two ugly, grotesque ladies...walked on. Suddenly Ted found an utterly beautiful and pretty young woman standing right before him. "What happened to you?" Johnny and Billy asked her. She replied, "I stepped on a duck."
This guy went to the doctor.
"Doctor, how bad is it? Is it really that serious?"
"Well, it looks like we're going to have to operate on it."
"Can I have a second opinion?"
"Okay, you're ugly."
There were two offices side by side, one specializing in study of psychology, and other specializing in proctology. Since they were so close together, they decided to name them together. The first name was "Nuts and butts." They changed it to, "Odds and ends." Then they decided on "Queers and rears."
If a man says something where there's no women around, is he still wrong?
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.
Who's Tinkerbell's brother and sister? Tampergong and Meddlechime.
2006-09-04 19:11:41 · answer #9 · answered by Display Name 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋