Ok, my stepson has now admitted that he stole my older brothers highschool ring. I have absoulutley had it with this crap from him. He has said that he understands that stealing is wrong but he keeps doing it. He is currently in counceling now, but has not discused the stealing problem with her yet. His birthday is coming up and as mean as this sounds I want to cancel his party. I already bought him a bike and I have told my husband that there is no way I am giving it to him now. I feel sorry for my stepson because he has had a hard time dealing with all the changes in his life lately, but according to his mom he has been stealing from her for a couple of years. If we don't put down a really harsh punishment then he is going to keep doing it and it is going to just get worse. Please give me specific punishments and advice for dealing with this. He just turned 12.
2006-09-04 11:18:09 · 29 answers · asked by LittleMermaid 5 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
At 12, he's old enough to understand that stealing is wrong, and should be able to see consequences - tough ones - for his foolish actions. Cancel the party. Take the bike back. (Take a picture of it first.) Tell him how you feel betrayed by his stealing, tell him the realistic dangers of his actions, and that the family won't tolerate it! If possible, try to have the same type of rules and consequences as his mother so you can be consistent and nick the problem. Let your brother come and steal something from his room, even if your brother just holds it for a while. Maybe that would get through to him! Maybe he needs a harsh awakening. Take him to talk to a judge, tour a prison, or visit with an inmate who has stolen. These people might be able to scare him into better habits. I know it is tough. It may sound like a little thing but some friends with a daughter my stepson's age took my stepson out to eat and ENCOURAGED him to steal a beverage pitcher from the waitress! I was appalled!! To the best of my knowledge, he never developed a major issue with stealing, but certainly could have.
I guess another big thing to do is not to let him alone where he can gain access to things to steal them! Tell him WHY he isn't left alone, that he hasn't acted responsibly and in a trustworthy manner. I'd do this, and/or change where I put things he might be interested in stealing. I try not to let people see habitual places where cash for bill-money is kept, where my purse is kept or where my hubby leaves his wallet at night. We don't leave keys in the car because we have a teenager who might be tempted if it is so easy to take off with the car. (We live in an area I consider safe to leave keys in the car otherwise.)
Hope this helps!
2006-09-04 11:33:58 · answer #1 · answered by Giovanni 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Unfortunately, I'm not sure if that kind of punishment is actually going to change anything. I'm not saying he should never be punished at all, but being constantly on his back might just make his attitude worse. You have to understand that if he's already in a bad situation, punishment will just aggravate him some more.
If you haven't already, I think you all need to have a serious conversation all together with him, that he needs to cease those acts and realise what are the consequences of stealing.
If that didn't/won't change anything, then how about go the other way around and make his life better? What I'm saying is, reward him if he's actually doing good, give him something positive to hold on to since he's having a hard time and anything negative won't help him.
People use a lot the "punishment" way, and it doesn't change anything, because they're pushing someone who's already down and doesn't care anymore. So, instead, by giving rewards when he does good things seem more of a way that both of you get something out of it, a good compromise. Maybe I'm just too idealistic though.
Edit: I also agree with the people who mentionned that you need to look more into his problems, there's reasons why he's stealing, that is important and taking something away from him as valuable as his birthday party (which is the celebration of his birth after all...) is definitely a no-no, especially since you're not his actual mother.
2006-09-04 11:35:17 · answer #2 · answered by justastranger 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good lord no. Take away the guys birthday? Seems pretty harsh. He is obviously troubled, and since he told the truth you should never punish any success.
All the birthday things should go as planned. Time should be used to breath,and think. After all this is over, between counseling and hopefully his family looking into the real reason he steals, he will get the help he needs to deal with his new life. Obviously you know hes not going through the change so well, because you said so, so there are more troubles here than some ring.
He needs neither punishment not pity, he needs understanding and help. I know there's a lot more to this than we know, and none of our business, but a kid doesn't just act like this because he feels like it, unless he has a broken intellect. If he's sane, then there is a reason for this behaviour. I think you all need counceling to deal wit your new roles. Sometimes it's hard to remember everyone isnt alike and what works for one does not work for another.
*some hard core answers in here today. hope they dont have kids*
2006-09-04 12:23:33 · answer #3 · answered by Sen 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK. First off I would sit down with him. You and your husband, Find out why he is doing this. Don't forget stealing is a dissease. So he may not be able to help it. Now I got stealing once as a young kid near my party. It was suppose to be a slumber party but my party changed it to just a regular party. After words I was still grounded for however long it was..and I lost all my new toys till I wasn't grounded anymore. See if you can take him on a jail tour too. Show him what it is like in side there. I would still give him a party but make it a short one and then afterwords take away his new stuff till his punsihment is over. But make your husband a part of this too. Don't make your stepson see you as the only bad guy. Also make him write a apology to your bother and payback however much he owes him by doing chores for him or you. But I would not just cancel his party. As bad as what he did is..thats a little to extreme
2006-09-04 11:59:10 · answer #4 · answered by Just another day 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly he needs the counseling. He is stealing compulsively and lying about it. Something is bothering him, which is why he is stealing. Is he being bullied at school for money or things to pawn??? If he knows it's wrong it's either a compulsive act or he's in trouble or threatened. Instead of screaming ta him, he needs someone he can trust. How would you be if you just had your entire life shuffled as he has??? I know as a parent or step parentit is hard too, but he's a child first and foremost, and if he's been doing this for more than a year, there's a reason, now it's time to find pout why. You will not find out with anger or threats. Do not get me wrong, my boys have had their share of spankings and punishments.....right now he needs to know that he can talk to you and tell you the truth. You want to know why...you want to know if he's happy.....you want to know what you can do to help.....you need to let him know and believe he can talk to you and trust you...explain to him that if he cannot talk to you and be honest then you cannot reward him with his party. ALSO get with the counselor and find out what more you can do as a parent to help. I am just sorry that his biological parents do not give a darn, that is pathetic on their parts! Please be patient and try these suggestions, he's a child, not an adult...he has the rest of his life to be a miserable adult, try to help make a difference in his life.
2006-09-04 11:29:30 · answer #5 · answered by thedothanbelle 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would cancle his party and I would tell your brother to press charges. Most states of the teen jury system. And will likely have hin re-pay and do coumminty service. Remember there record is consealed at 18 so no one will know once hes 18.
If you dont want to do that...take EVERYTHING out of his room except his bed and one pillow. Anytime he is in the home have him in his room doing homework. If he doesnt have any homework then you have him write a paper on why it is wrong to steal and what he is gonna do to repay everything he has taken and also what he will do to repay his uncle.
Do this for about a week. And make him turn in the paper to you after that week and demand that it has to be so many pages long.
If he follows through with this give him one hour a tv a day for the next week. Give him another big assignment during that week example a paper on what honesty really means.
Week by week if he does what is asked of him you give him ONE privilage (sorry bad speller.)
2006-09-04 11:27:30 · answer #6 · answered by Natasha 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Stealing is horrible and at his age he should'nt even think about doing this.I had a friends 10 yr old at my house last week and she stole money from me.I think she needs extra attention though.The advice i would give is take him to the police station and have them talk to him about this.Maybe it will scare him.He needs a good scare,taking things away from him or grounding him is not going to do much good.Most of all find out if he is trying to get attention,find out why he is doing this.Ask him.I really don't think taking away his B-day is the right thing to do.You get a b-day once a yr and that is it.It is'nt something you only get if you are good.Find a different punishment for him.Most of all let him know what could happen if he keeps this up.Jail,Juvy,Group home.Kids at this age are very confused they really don't know witch way to go.I was one of those kids and it took me until i was 18 to straighten up.Was he abused?Has someone ever hurt him in a bad way?If so this could be a big part of it.Be there for him and show him a different way.Talk to him even if he does'nt want to hear it.He needs to know now that you r there and you will not give up so easy on him.Good Luck!!!
2006-09-04 11:34:30 · answer #7 · answered by hotmama 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW HEY SLOW DOWn. Im turning 12 and i wont want my birthday party cancled thats like a parent saying you cant age.Look just tell him hes grounded for like 2 months no tv computer games.. and when schools out come straight home.....and no allowence. That should rough him up.If you cancel his party and not give him presents he will hate you. And come on how would you feel if you were a kid and just had ur birthday but you dont have any presents and no one comes over to say happy birthday-- Stealing is wrong but thats just over the top.I stole things in my past but thats because my parents HAD A DIVORCE. i know what hes going through but i would never take somethign really valuable,
2006-09-04 11:30:47 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
He is begging for your attention and trying to get it anyway he can!!!!!! I would go ahead with the party but explain that after the party you will tell him what the consequences will be for stealing.
AFTER THE PARTY -- Tell him that all his gifts are being given away -- AND THEN HAVE HIM PICK WHERE THEY WILL GO AND TAKE HIM WITH YOU WHEN YOU GIVE THEM AWAY!!!!!!! Don't take the bike back yet. Tell him that if he is truthful and doesn't steal anything within the next month, he can use the bike for a week. If he doesn't steal anything for another month after that, he can use the bike for a week, etc., etc. Since he is already 12 he's not going to outgrow the bike. If he steals anything else, the bike goes away for an entire month. He must learn that there are consequences to his actions and those consequences must have an impact on him, not just the people around him.
2006-09-04 11:29:05 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
No I dont think you should cancel party. He should be forced to work to pay for what he stole. He is seeking attention in a negative way it seems. Does dad spend any alone time with him? I would be very careful condeming him. He needs someone he can count when he is good or bad. Face it we have all had our moments when we were not angels. If you just frustrate him further then the problem will worsen. Just my opionon but I do have a 21 year old, 9 and 2 year old. Oldest is out on his own in the US Air Force and happy as a lark.
2006-09-04 11:24:37 · answer #10 · answered by sassilass06 3 · 4⤊ 1⤋