Hi everybody. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 and a half years. In the beginning of our relationship he made a boundary which he had stated first. I merely agreed with him.
The statement was, in his own words, "I consider looking at porn, fantasizing about other women and going to strip clubs cheating on my partner and would never do that." I agreed with him and was happy I found someone with the same thoughtput as myself. We were in a long distance relationship for a year and a half and then moved in together. I found out 2 months ago that he had been looking at porn the whole year and a half of our relationship to, as he says, help him 'get off.' He swore to me he wouldn't do it again and gave the excuse "well I didn't know when I would see you blahblah." A week ago I found that he got up in the morning went straight to his computer and went to a porn site, again, but immediatly closed it. He said he thinks he has a problem. I'm at a loss of what to do. I feel betrayed.
2006-09-04 09:07:50 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
For those of you telling me to get a life...
If he made a boundary with me, which he STATED FIRST, before I ever mentioned porn then he did betray me and cheat on me. Do you not realise that? What if you and your partner made a boundary to never cheat by intercourse and he/she did. Shall I tell you to grow up and get a life and go see a doctor? Comprehend what I am asking here, instead of trying to insult me.
For the other - When we watched tv a lot together and saw about 1 naked chick on it a day we would have sex daily. Since we stopped watching tv and were more on the internet, we have sex once a week to once every 2 weeks. He has no complaints about how I perform, and no worries, I'm not a stag. I do participate and not just lay there. And one thing I know he enjoys the most I do quite often for him. But he has stopped asking me to do that too. He doesn't seem very sexual or intimate, honestly. I don't think it is me, I think it is him.
2006-09-04 09:55:35 · update #1
Another note: Out of 15 times we have sex I ask him to have sex with me. He rarely begins it. I am usually the one who has to seduce him. It's not that I am not trying here.
Back to the original part...
What should I do now?
I told him he would need to make up for this and he said he would take me out. The day he was supposed to take me out he said "I'm not taking you out. I'm fed up this and talking about it." He's a hard headed stubborn man. So I left crying, on my way home I ran into him and demanded he get on his knees and apologize, in which case he did. He is extremely hard to talk to about anything and he just wants me to let everything go. In his mind it's "I ****** up get over it." But what if the role was reversed?
2006-09-04 10:00:00 · update #2
Betrayed because he went back on his word. At least he's not sleeping with your best friend. If he thinks he has a problem, have him visit a councilor or talk to his doctor. Good luck.
2006-09-04 09:10:20 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He may have a problem. There are doctors that he can talk to. SA in some states can be as common as AA.
Have U asked him what it is about the porn that he is so interested in? Why he feels compelled to look.
Sometimes men want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. And(plz don't hate me for this) but there maybe something he really sexually likes - and wants you to do it, but is to embarrassed to ask,or you may have already said no to. So he goes and checks out these porn sites to see women that 'would do it without getting freaked out'.
Of course there is the very obvious truth that he was just lying to you cuz you were in a long distance relationship, and now that you live together he finds it harder to hide. Either way trust is first and fore most in any relationship. If you can't trust him, then it's time to move on. He may not change.
2006-09-04 09:19:38 · answer #2 · answered by Gremlin 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Feeling betrayed is not a fun feeling. I think, yes, he should have been open with you and have you both talk about ways that you might "supplement" some sexual activities when you are away from each other.
Porn, generally, is pretty harmless. If he is hiding it from you that is a whole other issue. I would ask him to be open about it. Often guys feel embarrassed when they enjoy porn or are curious about it, and, I would think, he would keep hiding it if it seemed taboo. So, bring it out in the open. Let it be a starting point to find out a bit about fantasies, etc.
I would say make it a couples thing, or at least try. It may not be ideal, but at least he will start to see that he could talk to you about it, etc.
2006-09-04 09:15:57 · answer #3 · answered by t-bone 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This can be a real addiction for him and there is help out there. As far as him saying that, he was just saying what you wanted to hear to further get himself closer to getting some play from you. Unfortunately.....when I was a player I used the same lines before. never been addicted though. If you are really dead set against the stuff then either have him get some professional help or move on in life without him. Best of Luck.
2006-09-04 09:13:48 · answer #4 · answered by Robert V 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you feel betrayed about what? because he looks at porn? You need to get a life and look at it too.. he is probably looking at it because you bore him in bed... You acting like it's against the law to look at porn.... Why won't you watch it with him? Stop feeling betrayed by everything he does... if he is not out sleeping with other woman you have nothing to worry about.... if you know where he lays his head every night then you have nothing to worry about... when things start to sound different or things are just not addin up correctly then you need to start feeling betrayed... But now he is just being a man
2006-09-04 09:26:20 · answer #5 · answered by Shonda 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
In a situation like this, I can understand for the first year and half you guys weren't together. He couldn't be with you and instead of cheating on you, he took the fantasy route and helped him climax without cheating on you. As far as him doing it now, I would have to ask what you sex life is like. If you have sex on a regular basis, then I would say he does have a problem. If you and he aren't having sex then I would say that he is doing it because he doesn't want to pressure you and wants you to take your time in sex with him.
2006-09-04 09:14:16 · answer #6 · answered by Lord Draven 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Porn addiction!
you can install a porn filter software like NetDog on the computer,that help you to block all porn sites quitely in the background when he's surfing on the internet. http://www.netdogsoft.com
2006-09-04 19:26:02 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Looking at porn and doing something with it are two different things. Perhaps he needs to grow up or you need to give him an ultimatum. Maybe you could come to an agreement. Maybe you are not doing enough at home to keep him satisfied. Maybe you need to find a new bf who is more honest and respectful of your feelings. Good luck to you.
2006-09-04 09:12:02 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he thinks he has a problem, what is he doing about it? How long has he had this problem?
Your feelings on the matter do count here as well. Discuss it, what to do about it. If he does not follow up on it to make changes, you have to rethink this relationship. What are you willing to tolerate? Remember, you cannot change him, you can only change yourself.
2006-09-04 09:15:15 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he really loves you, him looking at porn doesnt mean he would rather be with those girls. It can be addicting , not that i would know, but it helps mens fantasies. Maybe he wants you to do things with him that these pornstars do in their movies.
2006-09-04 09:14:35 · answer #10 · answered by ernie_casarez 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋