trouble child please help?

Question

I have an 8-year-old child; no matter what i say to her she does everything the opposite
When she is grounded to her room she comes out 50 times. When I tell her to pick up a toy she ignores me. When she is told she can’t eat a certain thing she sneaks into it. When told stay in the house she goes outside. I don’t know if she has ADHD. I don’t want to medicate her. I know it’s not a sugar problem. She doesn't eat or drink much sugar except in Kool-Aid drink and bread, which I know, has sugar. She disobeys everyone not just me and disrespect everyone. My oldest (age 11) just tries to act like she is equal to adults, my fault there she was around adults more than kids till age 3. Schools have this policy about only 10 days absents so we can’t get her counseling weekly. They said excused or unexcused doesn't matter. Don’t have regular school councilors either. I have a younger child who is disabled as well. I’m going nuts. No church help or family helps either. Husband works allot.

i have tried the corner method, i have tried the 123 magic program, i have tried the spanking(afraid of going to far there from being angry) i have tried the eye hook latch bedroom door method as taught by a counciler. i have tried taking every toy or activity from her. we even tried the no eating til she acts right or cleans the room. she acts like she would rather starve than clean her room or do what she is told.

i know i need help (counciling) as well. we cant afford it. there isn't many councilers that help married woman. to pay for one takes food out of our mouths and also couldn't pay our regular bills. i have tried looking into all of them.

husband works from 3-12 midnight, i have tried spanking with the hand she is numb to it, like it doesn't hurt.

Answer 1

There is a condition called ODD. Oppositional Defiant Disorder. It is different than ADHD. You should have her checked by her pediatrician and tell him everything that she does and how she behaves.
There are medications that can make a world of difference. I know you may not want to medicate, but in the long run it may help her to function like a normal kid.
And, counseling could be done after school, so she doesn't have to miss school.

Answer 2

You are not controlling things as you should. You have to make your kids do as they are told. If they come out of their room after being told they have to do a time out then the time should get longer and start all over. If that don't work it is added chores and no Kool-aid or much of anything they like. They have to meet you halfway or it is strict all the time.

Sad you have to be that way but I know of a 12 year old girl who would push her mom out of the way by the face and walk out the door and go party. Her mom tried to make her stay home and the cops took her to jail for detaining the 12 year old by force.

I thought I fixed the problem later by when she tried it after me and her mom got together I would not let her back in. She left she can stay gone. I would not let her back in the house for 3 days. She had to stay with other parts of the family. Then she called her mom a ***** at the age of 16 and out she went again. This time she tried called the cops and tried to get me in trouble. She ended up living with other family members again. When she was 19 her child was 2 years old. She stole my credit cards and went out on a party trip and I had her jailed for about 3 months. She had to pay the money back to me as well. But she has still not ever made a good person. Still has problems. So you better fix it while the child is still young.

Good luck..

Answer 3

This time out eveything needs to stop right now! I like time out and every thing like that but lets set down and think! Yelling at her evey min of the day this child is tired of people yelling at her and spanking her. She is trying to tell you something here ok! Now you have other children in the house that takes up your time ok fine. She want Mom to get a clue this little girl is saying MOM I NEED YOU! Put her in the tub with lots of bubbles at night and read her a story make up a story that is you time with her! And Daddy is gone alot. DADDY I NEED MY DADDY. get a web cam so she can see Daddy more ok have him call and say good night every night or let her wright a story for Daddy and when he gets home they can read it togther! And get a calnder for the day he is off and mark it with a marker! she just need to know she is loved not bad ok! When she does something bad put her on a chair that can't be use for anything else but a time out place or a step! Give her 3 worrings and then put her on the time out and tell her why she is on there tell her you are going to use a timer when the timer goes off then you will come back and talk to her. Tell here what she did wrong and tell her she need to say sorry and then whent she does you say I love you. If she gets off you put her back and you reset the timer!Tell her why,The timmer should be set every sec you childs age/ you cant not use her bed room any more because she need a safe place to go to ok!I and this is going to take a week or 2 for her to get used to it but it works thank god it works! And the yelling needs to stop in the house now to ok. I know its hard! My little girl was doing the same things and I did the yelling and spaking and eveything and one day I was cleaning and the show THE NANNY came on and that is where I get my idea's good show so I tryed it and now she dont any more. Your little girl just need love thats all. And if she is ADHD you still need time out! and she is board find something to keep her happy walmart has good arts for her to do like making rugs or makeing piliowes or clothes stuff like that that is what I do when I am so busy keep my kids busy too! And a move night with the family would do good or a game night board games and set at a table with tv off its good to! she also should have a notbook so she can write to you! if she is feeling blue and your busy right then later that way you can read it and talk about it with her and that way she dont feel left out and you know what she is thinking
good luck! P.S. I hope this helps

Answer 4

try spanking but with like a belt.
try talking to her. this time dont say no.
example:
she dosent want to pick up her toys instead of forcing her to pick up her toys say lets play a game of who can pick up the most toys and the winner gets to ----------------------!
try using something she loves to play or use the most.also put enthusiasm in your voice.
try creating fun activities from something she ignores.
now about the disrespecting everyone now there hmmmm.....
i think you should go to counseling but afterschool. and umm mabey go to a pshycologist. i would go nuts too.
i think you should show her who is the boss.
and dont let her treat you like she is the boss.
if she dose spank her very good.
try to give her some fear in you and your husband because if she has fear in her parents then she will have some respect for you. dosent work then i think she may be "sick".
sorry. i will pray for you and your family
go to church and put your faith on god.
god bless you and may things work out for you and your family.
ps try doing practises about how to act and always around you and other people etc.

Answer 5

I agree that professional medical diagnosis may help you both. How old is the youngest child with the disability. Sounds classically like middle child needs some one on one time with you. Go for a walk, read her a book, make a date with her. Praise her sincerely when she has done well. Ask her to name her own consequence. Ask her how she feels about her behavior and what she needs to happen to change it. That it is the behavior you dont like but that you love her. Positive reinforcement and lead by example. Encouragement, you have your hands full and I commend you for reaching out to us here. Good Job!

Answer 6

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Answer 7

You will just have to stay on her. My oldest was the same way, he is now in a juvenile detention center. He is 14 and has been locked up since he was 12. I don't know what I could have done differently except maybe get on one program and stick with it, because i tried everything. And he was medicated as well. But I tried with or without the medication. I can't see how the school could deny you counseling. Most therapist won't see them weekly anyway, but, you could try one directly after school. One of her problems may be not enough attention from your husband or you. You sound pretty stressed out. If you don't get a hold of her behavior now, it will only get worse in school. What do you do when she comes out of her room? How long is she grounded to her room? My husband used to try to put my son in his room for a whole day. He didn't believe me when I told him that was excessive, he finally believed a professional. Have you tried calling the nanny? A child should only be punished for a minute for each of his years of life. So, she should be in her room for 8 min. Set a timer. Everytime she comes out, start the timer over. She will eventually see that she has to stay to come out. Good luck. It isn't going to be easy.

Don't send her in there to clean up her room. Go in there with her and take turns picking stuff up. I swear that is where I messed up with my son. Some children are independent, others need that extra coaching. I am sure that if you will spend more time with her helping her to do things she will get better. My daughter wouldn't do her homework last year. Well, it has to be done, so, I would sit there with her and sort of rack her brain. Of course, she wouldnt' do it by herself. And at first she wouldn't answer my questions, she would just say, "I don't know." But eventually I stopped loosing my patience with her and started waiting her out. We have a window of opportunity right after her football practice that we sit down and do her homework, if it isn't done at that time, she won't get it done because she gets too sleepy. Work more towards rewards, but not like candy or toys, more like praise. "See, I knew you could do that if you would just try." And then I let her help me with dinner or something fun. Again, good luck.

We probably remember our parents telling us to do stuff and we did it because they were our parents. We don't remember why we respected our parents, we just didn't like the outcome if we didn't respect them. That's what we need to do, earn that respect. And we do that by showing that we act like grown ups, not the big bully in school. We have patience and we love our kids and we treat them like little people who do have a mind of their own, not one we can dominate. That is where I get the most out of my other 3 children. I am not sure why it wasn't like that with my son, I just remember being mad at him a lot and not having much patience. Man I was such a bad mother to him!

Answer 8

Just a guess, but I think you have not been consistant with her since she was a baby. You probably say one thing and do the other. For instance... You say to her, "pick up all your toys and you can have a cookie"...But she doesn't pick up her toys and she begs you and begs you for a cookie until you cave in? Then you have taught her not to listen to you. Because you do not do what you say. She doesn't obey anyone else because she has no respect for adult because she doesn't respect the most important adult in her life - you.

Be consistent. Do what you say you are going to do. Reward good behavior. Punish bad behavior. But most important treat your own word as if it were gold and she will learn to treat your word as if it were gold by your example.

Answer 9

Pray and try reverse psychology... If that works at all, use it for only a little while... Then, pull a joke on her - like telling her: "Leave your toys on the floor and I MEAN it, young lady...!" Watch her give u a double-take... Be ready with a smile... and say, "Hey... Wanna go get some ice cream...?" While driving there and being there, let her talk FIRST... Listen, and speak from your heart...

Sounds like the 2 of u are not connecting... FIND a way to connect... Build on it... Do special stuff together - just the 2 of u together... Give her something to look forward to... Scrapbooking is fun...

Answer 10

raising kids is no easy task and i truly believe in the saying that "this too shall pass", but until then....im not sure what the 123 magic technique is, but all the other methods you mentioned, were negative reinforcement, things, have you tried positive reinforcement? maybe treat the good things she does like major accomplishments and as she starts to do them more regularly praise her for her efforts, make sure that she is aware that unwanted behaviors will result in consequences, and be sure that you follow through. in time she will learn that making good choices gets the attention she wants and that you will follow through with consequences when she makes bad choices. good luck!