I want to have a baby?

Question

I am 30 years old and my husband is 28. We have been married for 4 and a half years. Before we got married we said we would eventually like to have 1 or 2 children. Now he says he doesn't want to have any...ever. I finish graduate school this year and feel like I am ready for a child. We are financially stable. We have a good relationship and I don't want to lose him. Any advice?

Getting pregnant would not be a problem because I'm on pills and I'd just have to stop taking them. It's our only method of birth control. I guess I'm trying to decide if that would be a little too dishonest on my part.

Answer 1

Do NOT, repeat, do NOT get pregnant "accidentally" on purpose by stopping pills or whatever. That is a sure fire relationship killer, IMO.

You need to sit down and have a very serious talk. Something has changed and made him change his mind about kids. Never, ever is a long time, why would he say he never wants kids after previously he said he would? Ask him what his objections are and deal with each one separately and see if there can be a compromise. Does he worry you won't have time for them? Doesn't want a bigger house or dorky minivan? Does he think you'll never travel anymore or have sex anymore? He worries about the responsibility? What exactly are his objections?


No hurry, you are not done with school yet...so you have some time to think about it, you are both still young. If he still won't change his mind, let him know that having a baby is very important to you and you two discussed it before you got married and now he is going back on his word. Let him know you are very disappointed and don't feel you can stay married forever without any hope of being a mom. Ask him where you should go from there - is there any room for compromise now or in the future? If you are still stonewalled and he won't budge you may have to consider leaving because eventually as you get older and your fertility wanes you will really, really resent him.

Answer 2

You say you don't want to lose him, but isn't he risking losing you?

You wisely had these conversations prior to committing to marriage and now he has changed his mind. Find out why. Maybe friends and colleagues are filling his head with negative child rearing stories.

Men especially tend to hear all the bad stuff and don't hear how much love many fathers feel for their children. If he's hearing this kind of stuff, he could be just fearful that your happy, easy life will become complicated and tethered.

The thing is--- kids do complicate your life, but if you want them that is something you accept for the priviledge of being parents. I don't agree with drugging someone, tricking someone, that's not a great way to kick off someone's life--by making them a pawn or a prize.

I would find out what is behind this and tell him that as much as you love him, this is something you want in your life. Make it clear that you will never be happy and complete without this experience and that if you had believed this to be true of him you wouldn't have married him.

You may have to posture and walk away, if he loves you and if you really believe he'll come around you can try this. If he walks away then maybe this relationship isn't as committed as you thought and you're better off (in the long run, as painful as it is) to know this and to not have a child with someone who doesn't want them. Children deserve to be loved and wanted, you obviously want that for your son or daughter.

I hope this works out for you sweetie. I wish I had better advice. I'm afraid being forthright, honest and very sure of yourself is the only way to handle this. You're smart, you'll find your way.

This is either a minor bump in the road, or a major disaster but you'll be OK. Don't back away from your dreams for anyone, not even someone you love. In the end--it will never be worth it.

Answer 3

It would be very dishonest to get pregnant by disceet. He may find out somehow and then maybe resent the child. You should try talking to him again and seeing what has changed his mind. If he is willing to go to counselling, then maybe you guys can work it out. It's a tough situation you are in and I hope it all works out for you. Give it a year or so if you have to and maybe he'll come around. Try to expose him to children and talk about it and see if you can get him interested in it again.

Answer 4

Oh you poor thing.. That is a really hard situation. I would sit your husband down and see what happened to make him change his mind. If you want a baby and he doesn't, you guys really have to talk about this. It can lead to a big problem for you. If your clock it ticking.....take him out and get it out in the open. If you guys have a strong relationship you will get through this. But, you are right, do not be deceitful, it will only make him resent you. Good luck...

Answer 5

Find out what changed. If its simply fear of the unknown or having to settle down, then that's something you can work out. But if he has truly decided that children are not part of his future, then you need to decide if giving up children is what you willing to sacrifice for this man. What happens if when you are 50 and its too late, he suddenly dies? Then you are alone and its too late. If you do decide to stay with him and give up your desire to be a mother, then you need to get counseling to help you emotionally grieve and move on.

Answer 6

There most be something else going on in his mind, try to find out what is that. He might have some plans and he thinks that kids would spoil it and that wouldn't be entirely true. Don't lie to him or try to get pregnant without letting him know, that could bring up more problems, be honest and let him know how you feel and what you want if he doesn't care... may be he doesn't love you that much.

Answer 7

I would talk to him about it before I took it on myself to make a decision that will effect both of you for the rest of your life.You wouldn't want this to break you guys up, it would be worst after a child is in the picture.
Spend some time with couples who have children, ask lots of questions, financial, joys, sickness, sleepless nights,daycare fears,etc.You also may decide not to have children or both of you may want one even more.
Good Luck.

Answer 8

Try to have a non-threatening conversation with im to get to the root of his decision. Is he afraid that the marriage will change? Is he scared f the responsibility? Marriage is all about mutual understanding and respect, so talk it through, listen and if needed - get counseling. Good luck to ya!!

Answer 9

you need to get him to give you a valid reason for not wanting kids. i don't think that you should force him into it but you should talk to him. let him know that this is something that you really want and the longer you wait the more at risk you are during pregnancy, you are not too old but the risks do increase with age, personally i think it is selfish of him to not want kids when the idea of marriage used to be to pro-create. if you love him stay with him, but find some sort of compromise.

Answer 10

mine said he never wanted children. Then when he was 36 he changed his mind. A man's biological clock is much slower than ours.

I think he is such a great Dad because he was really READY when it happened.

You have to decide if you are willing to wait for something that May never come. I know I would have stayed in my marriage and forgone the children rather than divorce (and remarry) to have them.