Children of alcoholics/drug abusers...?

Question

Is the addicted parent(s) still addicted? Have they recovered? If they are still addicted, how do you cope with it?

I'm 23 years old, have an alcoholic father, he's not in recovery. He was never around, and still has no active part in my life. I choose to cope by pushing it out of my mind.

I'm curious how others are coping.

Lily, you're a whore.

Answer 1

Hi there JB_HR2007,
Sweetie, with a parent that is not in recovery it is very hard to make them understand what this does to you. I understand that you are trying to cope with it by pushing it out of your mind (out of sight out of mind kind of thing), but let me tell you, that will not work, you have to face it head on.
I told my story in site not too long ago, I am 55 years old and a recovering alcoholic, I stopped drinking 3 years ago, thanks to God and prayers. I will tell you what made me stop, my 9 year old , at that time said to me.....Mom why do you look so weird and talk funny, when she asked me that I said oh be quiet. When I woke up the next morning ....I thought about what she said and I felt so ashamed that I have not drank since. Now my daughter is 12 years old and very proud of me. I swored that I would not mention this again in the Internet but I see it merits mention. I congratulate your Mom for being there for you when your Dad was not. I will advise you to seek out your father, if possible and face him and tell him what you think of him. This might help him, like my little girl helped me. God bless you and Mom.

*******For Lily, how dare you and write to someone seeking help the way you did to this young lady? Do you have a heart or does evil runs through you. You are a despicable person. I hope that you never ever need any help from anyone, because you do not deserve it. IT IS A SHAME THAT YOU ARE A HUMAN & A WOMAN...BECAUSE I CERTAINLY DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THE SAME SPECIES THAT YOU ARE IN**********
lily from now on beware of my tongue, because I have many, many words to say to you..

Answer 2

Both my parents were addicts. They are both gone now, they had been clean for a long time, but in turn, I became an addict. I didn't really cope with it, I just lived with it. I do believe that what I saw as a child had something to do with my alcohol and substance abuse. I think that maybe I justified it by telling myself it was alright because my parents did it. Now that I'm older, and drug and alcohol free, with children of my own, I think about what sort of adults my children will grow up to be. My children didn't witness the drug and alcohol abuse like I did. I will try to teach them right and wrong the best way I know how.

I attended Narcotics Anonymous for sometime. It helped me understand some what my parents did and what I did while I was using. That helped me find some inner peace.

Good luck with finding your inner peace :) *hugs*

Answer 3

Let me take another approach to reply?

No one with any kind of sanity would abandon a child... no one! Can you simply TRY to imagine the kind of world that parent is in that he cannot think of anything but drugs and/or alcohol from day to day? Can you imagine how they must feel, low self esteem, unimportant, worthless, etc., when they prefer to be out of "state" rather than sober or not under the effects of drugs or alcohol? I cannot tell you since I have never been a drinker or drug user... but it MUST be something terrible.

Everyone condemns the alcoholic and the drug abuser but they fail to realize that we are not all made the same and we all react to drugs and alcohol differently. A person may use drugs or alcohol for a whole month and walk away but the next person may experiment once and only once and be "hooked" immediately... it has to do with their individual persona, their own individual biological make-up, and psychological and emotional state... some people are BORN with addictive personality others are not. I've never heard a child aspire to be a bum or a drug addict or an alcoholic... ("Gee, I wanna be a drunken bum and homeless when I grow up"... or "Gee, I wanna be a drug addict that sleeps on dirty floors, all smelly and stinky..."). You don't know what it was that drove that parent to where he is now... you don't know and you won't know even if he tries to tell you!

We don't choose our parents! There's nothing to be angry or bitter about. Life gives us as much as we can handle.

Instead of anger, feel sorrow for all the love and hugs and happy times he's missed. He's ruined his health but not because he got up one morning and decided, "Gee, today is the day when I will become a drug addict for the rest of my life!"

You cannot blame yourself. You cannot feel shame. You must not feel angry for circumstances beyond your control. Make something of your life and someday, if the opportunity presents itself, be there to offere a helping hand, not in the form of money for drugs... but to buy a meal, help getting him into a rehab center or program... do it for your own personal comfort and peace of mind.

If you FEEL that you would like to get a better handle on this, why don't you call one of those programs for helping recovering addicts and explain your situation. They will direct you to a group of children of addicts; attend only three sessions... force yourself to attend at least three sessions, and you will be a better person and feel a whole lot differently, I promise!

Answer 4

I can totally relate to you on this one i can tell you there is no easy way to cope,just know that its not your fault and you cannot change people or make people change.My alcoholic father finally left when i was ten years old and its the best thing that could ever happen to me and my brother.He is still an alcoholic to this day i went to see him when i was 22 and he was such a mess i thought its best that he has been gone all these years.He lives two miles from me and i havent seen or spoken to him since.Just cope with it as best as you can try not to be angry at him because if you bottle up anger it will make you feel worse.I tried counseling that may help for you but the best thing you can do is just realize that some people don't have good parents but that doesnt have to affect the rest of your life just strive to be different from him.You can't push it out of your mind but you don't have to let it run your life because your angry about it.Just find a happy medium know that you are not happy about not having a good father but come to terms with it and be at peace.good luck to ya and remember you are not the only one and people do care even if they don't know you.

Answer 5

I've learned to be careful of the words that I use to desribe myself and how addiction relates to me. Addicts will always be addicted, they cannot go back to being un-addicted. And an addict in recovery is never recovered, only in recovery.

My advice is very difficult to carry out sometimes, but I know in my heart that it is very important for me to apply in my life when dealing with active users. That is that I have to be willing to accept things as they when it's about others actions, while I have to be willing to change things about myself. I always pray for knowledge to know the differenceand the power to carry it out. You have done that much by asking for opinions here.

You might consider looking up Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings in your local area. There you will be able to share your experience, strength, and hope with others who have been where you have. From that you may be able to build a support network. God Bless.

Answer 6

my father was an alcoholic up until about 2 years before his death. My mother stayed because she was raised in a time that she was not prepared to take care of herself and her children. My father was a great man with an illness that I hated. It was not until he was sober that I learned that he did not drink until he was sent to war for 3 years and that is all they had at times to drink was hot beer. I later learned that many men returned from war with a drinking problem. I also learned that my father had witnessed his best friend being blown up on a land mine. My father was ordered to charge from a fox hole and his friend jumped out ahead of him. I understand that the alcohol only masked his deeper problems, but I only focus on the man that I knew lived inside of the shell that I knew going up. Don't give up on your parent.

Answer 7

You cant move on until you forgive,,, even if u forgive you dont have to let them be a active part of your life.. forgive then tell dad to get some help or he wont be around you or your children if or when you have them.

Answer 8

ok
i am 39... my mother is an alcoholic who was not there for me- or my younger sister as a child...
she has been in recovery for nearly 18 years... she is not the same, and tho i love her, because she is my mother, she wasn't a mother back when i needed one, so i dont have a lot to do with her...

Answer 9

I forgave my drug user Mom a long time ago
my son forgave me
I forgave my son
yes we are all recovering drug/alcoholics

Answer 10

Hey lily you *****, have a little respect eh. The girl is asking a serious question and doesn't need your smart mouth...