MY MOMMA NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH!!! anyone got any good jokes?

Question

I was wondering if anyone out there has any original or never heard, or hasn't been heard in a long time really funny/hilarious jokes. I tell my mother them and it helps her health. She is real sick and this helps her stay positive and happy. Thanks anyone that replys. I wish I could give all a BEST ANSWER but the one that makes my mother laugh the most gets it. Thanks so much

Answer 1

Holy Soap

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap .

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
" Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs,then yells.


"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!"

Answer 2

This is the story of that famous cajun Boudreaux,
Boudreaux would go to work everyday at the oil refinerys in Sulphur Louisiana,
where he would brag every day, about how he knew everybody,
this went on day in and day out.
finally his boss getting tired of this, decided to call his bluff.
He said " Boudreaux, If you know everybody , do you Know Tom Cruise?" Boudreaux replied Hell Yes,, calling his bluff again, the boss said Lets just fly out there and see.
They flew out to LA and went to the movie studio where Tom was working, they entered And Tom just happened to be walking by, when he saw Boudreaux ,and yells Son of a gun Hey Boudreaux my friend , What the Hell are you doing here ?
that was enough for his boss, then he asked,, Do you know the President? Boudreaux answered Oh yeah me and George go way back, so they fly to Washington DC ,and go to the white house, where they go on a tour ,and a voice comes out of the silence,, Hey Boudreaux , What the heck are you doing here in Washington, and It was George asking the question and they had coffee later...
Bourdeaux's boss was dumfounded, he was right he does know everybody,, then he thought well hell he could not know the Pope, He says "well Bourdeaux do you know the Pope?'' I do, he relplies, so they fly to Rome, and go to the Vatican.
Boudreaux and his boss are down in the audience when Boudreaux says " I am going to have to go inside to see him , he cant see me out here amongst all these people, but thats OK because I know all the guards. So Boudreaux leaves his boss with the promise he would wave at him from the balcony with the Pope at his side.. A few minutes Later , sure as hell There he was arm and arm with the Pope doing the hug thing,, Boudreaux figured his boss saw him because he waved right at him when he was on the balcony, so he went back to find his boss, only to find paramedics surrounded all around his boss , Boudreaux Asked " what happened to you , Boss?" He said " when I saw you up there with the Pope I was astonished and amazed and practilly in disbelief, but when the guy standing next to me up and said,,,,," Hey , Who is that up there with Boudreaux ?" that was all I could handle !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 3

50 Fun Things to do When Salespeople Call

1. Tell them they must have the wrong number, only God lives here.
2. When they call back, tell them this is the devil's residence.
3. Tell them s/he can't come to the phone right now as they are in deep
meditation and may stay that way for days.
4. Start telling them about the wonderful encyclopedias you have in stock.
5. Start telling them your life story.
6. Tell them about your intense hatred for salespeople, then ask where they
live.
7. Reply to all their questions in song.
8. Ask for someone who can translate Pig Latin, as you speak no other
language.
9. Hand the phone to the youngest member of the house - preferably under five.
If no such person is available, give the phone to a pet.
10. As soon as they name the corporation they represent begin barking
relentlessly.
11. Start trying to give them a psychological analysis.
12. Demand that they refer to you as Dr. Chopstick.
13. Proudly describe what you found in your ear this morning.
14. Ask them what color underwear they are wearing today.
15. Describe your socks in detail.
16. Interrupt them repeatedly to describe the beauty of your new toaster.
17. Whiningly tell them that it is past your bedtime.
18. Midway through the conversation say, "Oh no Phil! You've done it again!
I told you that knife was too sharp! Where are we going to get the money for
another funeral?"
19. Ask them repeatedly if they believe in antelopes.
20. Refuse to answer any of their questions, as they may be one of THEM!
21. Ask them what they think would happen if you put a frog in a blender
later tell them they were wrong.
22. Ask them for their phone number so that you can call them back and chat
some more.
23. Burst into tears when they try to hang up and scream, "Don't leave me!"
24. Tell them about the time you got stuck in the doggy door.
25. When they ask to speak to you spend a long time trying to decide if that
really is your name and after you realize it is ask them to remind you of it
occasionally.
26. Proudly explain that they are the first person that you have spoken to
since you returned to Earth.
27. In the middle of the conversation start humming the Sesame Street theme
song, when they try to speak sound surprised and say, "Is someone there?"
28. Begin snoring.
29. Gleefully explain that "they" have come for you and that you are going to
a better place.
30. Start screaming whenever they say the word "that."
31. Say, "I am so glad you called, I have been waiting and waiting to hear
from you!"
32. Answer every question with the phase, "I like eggs."
33. Say "Don't you hate it when you get your tongue stuck in a door?"
34. Tearfully explain "It's you, my long last sister/brother!" as soon as
they identify themselves.
35. Complain to them about how outrageous it is that you have to take time
out of your busy day to breathe.
36. Start reading them some of your poetry.
37. Occasionally start singing commercial jingles.
38. Suggest that the two of you get together sometime and go bowling.
39. Go into detail about the government's plot to overthrow the universe.
40. Ask them what they would do if there was a dead body on the floor of
their living room.
41. Discuss what a wonderful world it would be if we were all born with
tails.
42. Whenever they try to get a word in babble on about how young people these
days talk way too much, and don't respect their elders. (Works best if they
are clearly older than you.)
43. During complete silence ask them if they hear that pounding noise.
44. Make loud pounding noises and when they ask about them say "What pounding
noises?"
45. Tell them to hold on a second, set down the phone and sing loudly.
46. Insist on calling them Mr. Spock.
47. Ask them if they will get you a birthday present.
48. Tell them you can't talk now, as you are trapped in an invisible box.
49. Beg them to dispose of your dentist, who is involved in a secret plot
that shall result in your demise.
50. Pretend to be an answering machine.

Answer 4

I created a website years ago with many jokes. I forgot the website but email me at [e-mail] and i'll attach the file to an email for you! Here's a few:

Cheney and the Bushes on a Plane
Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Bush, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Bush shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."


Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Answer 5

There's some pretty funny stuff on my 360 page. Just click on the cat to your left & it will give you info on how to get there.
I know laughter keeps me healthy.

Answer 6

Once a brain goes to a bar and asks for a wine. The barman doesn't give him. He asks for the reason and he says: "I won't give you because you're already out of head"

Answer 7

Two men walk into a bar. One says to the other "Man, that hurt!"

Answer 8

did you know minnie and micky were geting divorced!!
micky went before the judge. the judge said micky it says here your divorcing minnie because she's crazy?micky replied judge I never said she was crazy I said she was f_ _ king goofy!