After I had taken my daughter to finish her school shopping, I found she had lied to me, stolen cigs from her dad who lives half a state away during visitation and was smoking in my house. (We have a heart patient in the house.) I don't know how to handle this, any suggestions?
2006-09-03 07:28:57 · 28 answers · asked by sunnyrays61 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Those of you say punish her, but how? Take things away, ground her, what?
2006-09-03 07:37:55 · update #1
My daughter lives with me, only sees her dad a few times during the year..at his convenience I guess. I caught her smoking and she told me where she got the cigarettes, but first told me she only stole 1 cig, then I found the 2nd one in the garbage and I questioned her about it. She told me everything but I'm not convinced she's being on the up and up yet. I had taken the phone, TV, computer away from her and explained the downfalls of smoking as she just lost her grandfather 10 months ago to lung cancer. I don't know how long to ground her for and if that is enough. She already sees a counselor but won't see the counselor for another 2 weeks. I'm just lost on this, I want to search her room again, which I will be doing today.
2006-09-03 07:55:13 · update #2
And noooo, I don't let her smoke...ever. I'm really upset about all this and angry.
2006-09-03 07:57:23 · update #3
Have her volunteer with patients who are on oxygen from smoking in a hospital setting (candy stripper) public service for 4 months. She won't be able to smoke at the hospital and she will get a real eye opener. Then top it off by making her write a 20 page essay (like for a college report - double spaced, 8 x 10 paper) on the diseases caused by smoking. This should be a major eye opener for her. Then to top it off take away her tv, phone and games for 1 month. Yes, this may seem excessive, but she stole, she lied and she smoked in a house where there is someone who has undergone grave ill from her behavior. Do all or some, but definitely have her volunteering at the local hospital on the ward for cancer patients.
2006-09-03 07:44:20 · answer #1 · answered by mom of girls 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Only you know what things are important to your daughter. What are they? Her cellphone, her x-box, her DVD player? Does she like to go out on the weekends, does she play sports or have a big event coming up? Take away something she really wants but don't overdo. Give her some extra chores to do and most of all pay some extra attention to her - she is obviously wanting attention. Have lots of talks with her, not just about smoking but about everything.
When I was young, my cousin got caught smoking and my grandfather sat him down and made him smoke the whole pack. After about four cigarettes, my cousin was green and spent the whole day vomiting, he never touched another cigarette and he's now 42 years old. He felt nauseous even looking at cigarettes for years afterwards. Not that I recommend this - I don't think parents do things like this anymore - but it sure was effective.
2006-09-03 08:04:33 · answer #2 · answered by BabyRN 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Having her go to counseling and taking things away was the right move. Let her know you do not tolerate lying especially when it comes to her health and others. Aside from that all you can do is hope that the talking gets through to her. Find out why she started smoking maybe there is an underlying problem. You can also show her pictures of what happens when you smoke. Maybe that will scare her. Lung cancer is a horrible way to go.
2006-09-03 08:33:32 · answer #3 · answered by tpurtygrl 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hmm, I'm only 17, my friend did this with her parents when she was 13. And her mom took them away and grounded her, which she thought solved the problem. But come on that is only going to make her want to do it behind your back. Another one of my friends was caught and her mom actually bought them for her and later she quit smoking, but then again that only lets her think you permit it.
This would be a hard situation to deal with, plus she's 13 so she is probably ethier in 8th grade middle school or in junior high. So it's not like she couldn't get them at school, don't even have to be friends with someone at school to bum a cig off them.
Maybe you could punish her by losing all of her privilages. For example: No friends, no after school fun str8 home, no allowence or whatever, just str8 to school and home dinner and force her to spend time with you so you can watch her.
Also beware if you smell a lot of perfume more then usual or her brushing her teeth a lot to cover it up.
I think if you enfore nagging at her and watching her every move she isn't going to get away with much, unless she has the nerve to light one up in front of you and if she does that then you have a serious teen on your hands.
My friends mom made her come home and sit down and do homework or study if she didn't and then after that do house chores in 8th grade when she was caught, then has she got older she realized that school was her ticket out she could go to college and make her own choices.
On the bright side at least it is only a cig and not sneaking out and getting drunk or smoking more powerful stuff
Also, look at who her friends are. And seriously kids do put on an act in front of other adults, learn to look past that your daughter is entering the toughest years of her life.
Popularity, School, Puberty, Curiousity, etc
Be scared and hope you taught her well, if you did then she will know when enough is enough!
2006-09-03 07:46:45 · answer #4 · answered by mellow_26241 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I know smoking around the heart patient is bad but you're forgetting the big picture. What about the fact that she's smoking and only 13? You need to have a long talk with her and let her know what your rules in the house are. Now if you don't mind that's she's smoking then you need to tell her that smoking in the house in unacceptable and that anymore lies will get her in bigger trouble too. You have to be the one to set rules and to punish when the rules are broken or she will continue to do what she wants. Be the parent!!
2006-09-03 07:39:09 · answer #5 · answered by peg 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What worked for me was spanking, but that was in the 80's. But I never lied again!!!
I would take her new clothes away and give them to the homeless or good will.... Tell her you expect ehr to be honest with you. If you find that in a month she has been honest, she will get a shirt, the next month, jeans. You have to be able to trust her, and if she thinks that is the way to earn your trust by lying then she is wrong and has hurt you and possibly harmed a heart patient in your home. If she wants to think of only herself then you will do the same and not buy her clothes anymore. Tell her the homeless people are more honest with you and she will not be rewarded for it.
2006-09-03 07:42:01 · answer #6 · answered by Yooper chick 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First off, if she disclosed this to you I think you can probably have a discussion about trust with you. However, I think if it is something that you found out on your own...take a breath settle yourself down. I think maybe she needs to have a shorter leash until you can trust her. I would also involve her Dad in this since he is the one she stole from. This sounds like a decision you both need to be united on because she is playing you both. I wish there was an easy answer....Keep the lines of communication open with her!!
2006-09-03 07:44:51 · answer #7 · answered by tod 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I do not blame you for being upset.. It seems like your are doing the right thing by taking away all the things that she likes.. What you should do is stick to the punishment for at lease a month.
Do not send her to her dads while she is on punishment, it seems that she picked this bad habit up over there. Did you speak to her dad about this? If yes, what does he suggest you both do? If she has to goto her dads, she needs to be on punishment at her dads also.. (Good Luck)!!!!
2006-09-03 08:32:44 · answer #8 · answered by Vicky 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is starting early mom!! She's trying to get your attention in more ways than one.Listen to your daughter, they are known to have hidden meaning everywhere. meanwhile, explain the importance of not smoking around your heart patient ??One day at a time, mom, and good luck!!
2006-09-03 07:37:58 · answer #9 · answered by mdzevolveddammit 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
remember that anti-smoking commercial with debbie...the lady with the hole on her throat? yep...that scared the crap out of me. i mean, i'm not into the whole smoking thing...but that just convinced me not to do it completely.
i really think this is going to be difficult for you since she has seen her grandfather die due to smoking related illness, and that didn't stop her. just pray it's only a phase in life. it doesn't help that lots of celebrities are smoking (like britney spears and lindsay lohan)...she probably got influenced by them.
2006-09-03 08:31:22 · answer #10 · answered by mymymissmai 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋