Give me all the jokes you got!!! I would take all, as many as you know!!Can you please give me all of them!!?

Question

Give me all the ones you got!!

Answer 1

Great! I love it. heres you one in return

A Engineer dies and goes to heaven,
when he arrives at the gates he
is told there was a mixup
and he was supposed to go to hell.
So he gets in the elevator
and is instantly transported to hell.
After a few days the engineer
decides hell needs soom fixing
up so he
installs some faucets with cold icewater,
a swimming pool, and best
of all AIR CONDITIONING!
A week later the Devil receives a phone call from god,
God tells him
there has been a mistake,
the engineer was supposed to be in heaven.
The Devil grins and says,
"Well its too late, we have him and we are
going to keep him."
God thinks for a minute and replies, " I'll sue!"
The devil respones with a loud burst of laugher,
"ahhhHA HA,
youwhowho, HEEHEEHEE!
Where are YOU going to get the lawyers!"
**********
Mental?

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the
bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in to save
him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act...
He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the
Mental hospital, as he considered him to be okay.

Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David!
The good news is that we are going to discharge you because
you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump
in and save another patient you must be mentally stable.

The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr. John hung
himself in the bathroom, and died. David replied, Doctor he
didn't hang himself, I hung him there to dry.
*********

I need a day off!

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would
not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted
"CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung
upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the
Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What
are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate
for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her
"...And where do you think you're going?"

( You're gonna love this..... )

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
***********************
The Angry Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to
entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes
when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her
chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough
of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think
you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's
physical attributes have to do with their worth as a
human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me
from being respected at work and in my community, of
reaching my full potential as a person...because you and
your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes but women at large...all in the name
of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when
the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm
talking to that little B*#*#@D on your knee!"
**********
One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House
bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks
him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington
advises, then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.

Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to
help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from
sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens
to see the ghost of F. D. R. hovering over his bed. Bush whispers,
"Franklin, What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into
the mists.

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure
moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Abe, what
is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?" Bush pleads.

Abe replies, "My advice is, do something relaxing. Go see a play!"
****************
A Dog Named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog." ***********

Answer 2

A Jewish man and his ever- nagging shrewish wife had been married fiftyone years ... To celebrate their having broken the half century mark, their children sent them on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. While the couple was there, the wife suddenly passed away and the coroner and an ambulance chasing undertaker were soon on the scene ...
While the coroner documented the incident, the undertaker took the man aside and told him, "You know, you can have your wife shipped home for her eternal rest at a cost of around $ 1,500 ... or, you could have her buried here, and I will arrange it for about $ 125 ..."
The man stood thoughtfully there in the midday sun for a time, and finally turned to the undertaker and said, "Well, I think I'll go ahead and ship her home." "Now, why in the world would you want to spend all that money,"asked the oppertunistic undertaker, "When I can offer you the same service, right here, tomorrow, and so inexpensively ?!"
"It's like this, you see", replied the elderly gentleman ... "A long, long time ago, there was a man who died here ... and he was buried here ... then three days later he rose from the dead ....... I just can't take that chance."

Answer 3

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went.
She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went
dancing and drinking on Saturday nights. Whenever the woman went onto
the dance floor, the parrot would yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof
is
on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn!
Burn, muthafukkah, burn!" The crowd on the dance floor would always
cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would

make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild.
This
would go on all night long, everytime the parrot went out.

One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the
choir stand with her.

And when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, "The roof, the
roof,

the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn!

Burn, muthafukkah, burn! She embarrassingly corrected the parrot,

"No, you don't say that here!!"


The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same
muthafukkahs that was at the club last night!!!..

Answer 4

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Answer 5

Ten Dollars

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Answer 6

a magician is on a cruise to entertain the guests, but every night the captian brings his pet parrot and every night it gives away the trick, so finally one night the magician brings a gun and trys to shoot the bird but he hits a gas tank and the cruise ship blows up. the magician and the parrot are the only ones who survive, so they are floating in the middle of the ocean on a board and the parrot says "alright i give up where the **** is the ship."

Answer 7

i only got one and i made it up when i was nine so its probably not funny any more but one person said he went around the world in two seconds how could that be? well he drove over a map! okay that is not very funny but i thought it was really good when i was nine was it funny to u?

Answer 8

I have a joke that's about 6 ft. tall with brown hair and brown eyes. You want him?

Answer 9

a guy doesnt speak to his wife and he wants to wake up at 6:30 so he wrote her a note syaing: wake me up at 6:30.
the following day he wakes up at 9:00, he asks his wife: why didnt u wake me up?? she pointed at a note that was beside his pillow, it read " wake up!! ".


1st dog : "woof!"
2nd dog : "woof!"
1st dog : "woof! woof!"
2nd dog : "dont change the subjects"

Answer 10

http://funny2.com

This will keep you busy for a while.