How to make a 20 year old boy understand when he is being used?

Question

My son, is currently dating a girl, which is 23, has 2 kids, and still living in the same house as her EX. { By the way, she dosent work}
He is letting her drive his car, He babysits the kids, she stays at his house the nights that he is off work, and goes "home" on the nights that my son works. My son and I have a pretty good relationship, and talk about anything. All our kids know how blunt I am, and know that I support them in the decisions they make, BUT
they also know that they will get my opinion, and its up to them what they do with it.{which I did give him} Being a kid once I know if I try to interfere it will only push them closer. WHAT TO DO????

prior to this one he was dating a girl that actually worked to put herself through college, with no kids and no ex baggage

Answer 1

No one can "make" another person understand anything.

You have told him what you think, and also conveyed to him that you will always be there for him. You realize that pushing will be counter-productive.

So, I'd say there's nothing more you CAN do.

I find your description a little confusing (too many 'he'-s, when I'm not clear which 'he' -- ex or your son -- you mean). But it isn't clear to me that your son is being taken advantage of.

Do you know the girl? Do you know for a fact that she doesn't really care for your son? Is your son unhappy with the situation?

If your son IS unhappy, but feels obligated to continue to help the mom, you can try to explain to him that she has to live her own life, and it isn't anyone's responsibility to help her, unless they really want to.

Otherwise, if he is happy with this situation, there isn't anything you can do about it. If she IS using him, he'll come to realize it eventually. If you haven't been pushing on him too hard, he will be able to talk openly to you about it. (If you push, this will make him reluctant to talk freely with you about any doubts he has.)

Answer 2

This is a tough one.. I;m glad you realize if you interfere it could push them closer.. But you also have to look at it from another angle.. If you guys are close, and you come to him calm and sincere, he may actually listen. Either that or you could be planting a seed that will help him see a little faster how unhealthy this is. And what the heck does the ex say about this?? This whole situation sounds crazy to me, and i'm sure your son will find out soon enough that this is just ridiculous and he needs to find a girl without all that mess.

Answer 3

I'm sorry for your boy and for your pain in watching his choices.

While I'd be surprised if this girl is a good mom, I hope she is, and the fact that she doesn't work is a good thing, because babies/toddlers are emotionally and permanently harmed by abscence from mom. Uhoh, why the need for a babysitter then? Is this so she can party or run out for groceries?

I have two cousins who chose to live tha way - always being used by young women with other men's babies. My cousins' father was an abusive alcoholic, their mother loving, but inconsistent and scattered. I believe they don't think they are worth any better, because of their terrible childhoods. Kids whose parents were normal, but whose lives included traumas of other types, also are at risk for feeling less than. There are also people who find it easier to 'rescue' others rather than build their own life.


If your son had a childhood that left him emotionally wounded, he will need therapy to break these patterns. If your son had a fairly normal to good childhood, he will come to see his needs aren't being met and move on. It's gone on long enough to worry you, tho, mom.

Did he date available nice girls before this?

Answer 4

I know your pain my son went through that and thank god it is over now but the only thing we can do is give our opinion very strongly and often without pushing and hopefully she will go away in time , but he will hopefully realize that she is not the one and those are not his kids to take responsibility for. On the bright side he it says a lot about your son being a very good person and knowing that we the mothers are what made our young men special.

Answer 5

You have already talked to him about it job done. Just make sure he know that you are always on his side and then let him make his mistakes. Trust me when I was little I tried over protecting my little sister and that just bit me on the ***.

Some people just have to take the long hard road. It can be very painful to watch but you've got to remember that this is the time to let them learn to fly.

My mother let me experience both the good and the bad of my own decisions, and I have to say I came out stronger for it.

Answer 6

I am glad you understand that there is nothing else you can do to "make him" wake up and see what is going on.
I also commend you on raising such a caring and polite young man. Not many would "rescue" a female in this scerino, which it seems he is trying to do. it appears he feels sorry for her situation and has genuine feelings for her as well.
The only thing you can do is be there for him when the**** hits the fan...and it will. He is going to need your support and comfort when this finally ends. I know how hard it is to watch, but there is really nothing we can do as they are adults now.
Good Luck.

Answer 7

Sometimes, in a situattion like this one, you almost cannot do anything but let him go through this learning experience so that when he finally figures it out and comes through it he will have a better understanding of life and crudball women. as mom, you want to protect your kids. i assume you have told him and he is not listening. could you possibly take him over her house so he could see for himself that the boyfriend is living there and the girlfriend is actually in a relationship with the supposed "ex"? or install a voice activated recorder in his car so that he could hear her conversations while she is driving it. that way he could hear her talking about him or possibly the other dude riding in the car. good luck

Answer 8

There is nothing you can say to him about it he will only ingore it, guess he has to learn the hard way just hope their using protection.

What i would do is get close to the girlfriend where she can trust you and keep an eye on her at all times!

You know what they say keep your friends close and your enemys closer.

Answer 9

There is nothing you can do. You have to wait it out. Keep reminding him what parenting is like and that he does not want to get this girl pregnant. I'm sorry, he won't listen to you and if you push, he will hate you for it.

Answer 10

Wait until he figures it out on his own, we put up with alot when we love or think we are in love with someone. If she is using him, he;ll learn from it and make better choices next time. At his age, did you always pick the best guy? :)