Is he affraid of commitment?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been friends since our freshman year in college, 2002. In Feb 2005, we started dating. We have a lovely relationship! He moved in with me in Dec 2005 and we both just graduated in April 2006. Marriage has come up several times, but I am always the one to initiate the conversation. He says that he's not ready to get married because when he does, he wants to be able to put me in a nice house and have things already established. In turn, I say that we can go ahead and get married now since we're living together, then establish ourselves and get a house (build a life toegether so everything will have a deeper meaning since we did it together) He doesn't want to do that, so I told him that if he hasn't proposed to me by our 2yr anniversary (Feb 2nd) then Im going to break up with him. He told me that I might as well break up with him now because that's not going to happen. He says that he won't be pressured to do anything that he doesn't want to. Am I wrong or what?

Answer 1

Does he not realize ya'll are already "established"? Where you live has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the level of commitment you are each willing to show. Hundreds of thousands of couples get married every year and live an a apartment, a small starter home, etc. then they work together and move on to what they want.
You need to see what is really holding him back it can't just be wanting to put you in a house, there has to be something deeper than that holding him back, have a heart to heart, try to approach it unemotionally (which will be hard to do) but listen to what he considers to be logical reasons why he is not ready and you reply in a logical way, not an emotional way. Most men can understand logic but decisions motivated by emotions confuse them.
He is right about one thing, you shouldn't have to force him to make that kind of commitment, he should be wanting to do it. You do have a right though to say, I want to be in a relationship that is actually moving forward and I dont see us doing that I love you but I am just not willing to wait on you to decide you love me enough to take a chance on us and see whats happens.
I mean you are living together now for goodness sakes how different does he think its gonna be?? You may actually have to pack up an leave, sometimes it takes a jolt like that for them to realize they don't want to be without you. Be prepared though there is also the possibility that he may be OK with you leaving and if that is the case, well....how much did he really love you anyway, ya know?
Marriage is like children, if you wait till you can "afford" them you'll never have them. First see the value in yourself and decide for yourself not anyone else how you are willing to be treated, you have to decide what you are willing to change, sacrifice or simply keep on in the same way.
You are worth being cherished, so much so that he should be in a hurry to marry you in a way. He has just gotten awfully comfortable with the way things are now and doesn't want it to change, he needs to understand that you want and NEED a change.
I hope it works out good for you, hang in there.

Answer 2

Yes, I feel that you are wrong. You can't pressure him into something as serious as marriage. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and he wanted to get married and you didnt and he gave you the ultimatum of proposing or ending the relationship? My gosh. I mean you're both, what, around 23-24? Take a chill pill! I mean if you guys are truly meant to be, he WILL propose when he's ready. Don't pressure him or give him ultimatam's. Just because he doesnt want to get married doesnt mean he is afraid of commintment. If he was aftraid of commintment he wouldnt have moved in with you. Ever think of that? He's a guy. Guys dont rush into marriage.

Answer 3

I wouldn't say that you're wrong for wanting to marry him, but he also has a good point. He's obviously cares enough about you to want to put you in a nice house and have money saved up... basically he's being smart about this. He wants a good future for the two of you. I would give it time and eventually sit down with him and find some sort of solution to this. It sounds to me he's the kind of guy that you wouldn't want to lose. He obviously has a good head on his shoulders and sounds like he knows what he wants. If you can handle waiting for a few more years and think that he's worth the wait, then I would give him a little space about the issue.

Answer 4

Sounds like both of you want very different things.

I think right now would be a good time to step back and see if those needs can be staved off for a while in favor of what he wants. You must think of what you want from life too, not just him. Perhaps make a mental time-limit to yourself, and yourself alone. Don't tell him, but set some personal goals as to what is the longest you will wait for marriage, then step back and see. The key here is: make this agreement with yourself, and stop asking him about it.

Answer 5

Not necessarily. My bf and I have been together for 2 and a half years. Our anniversary is Feb 6. We can't afford to do it right now and it wouldn't be the best thing for us either. Are you comfortable around each other? Give him another year. If not get rid of him. Maybe if he thinks he's going to lose you after that he may just surprise you.

Answer 6

I can see both sides. If he truly wants to be able to provide for you, get a house, etc before marriage this shows that he does want to be a good husband and be able to provide things a husband traditionally does.

On your side, I see your point too. If you are already living together and you see things going very good, you naturally are ready to make the next step - marriage.

But, I don't think by forcing him to get married is a good idea. You want to get married because it is what you both want to do, not because you gave him a deadline and threatened to leave him if you don't get married by a certain date.

Answer 7

My Dear, He is rite!

It doesn't means that he do not love you anymore or afraid of commitment. Both of you just graduated and as a real man he would like to put his career in top priority that can ensure a good life after marriage later years.... As someone important to him, he doesn't expect you to pressurise him in such a way, but to fight together with him to overcome all the up & down in achieving his dream. Be supportive, Be respecting his decission...

Answer 8

you can't pressure someone into that- & giving him an ultimatum is making him feel "cornered"; which always causes a person to get defensive. tell him you're sorry, & that its just really important to you & you're starting to feel like you're being "strung-along" w/ no reassurance; then drop it. do not bring up the subject again & if he doesnt do it w/ in 6 mos- 1 yr. leave his ***. he just might come chasing you w/ a ring. yes, you have been 2gether long enough 4 him 2 know if its forever, but you have to play your cards right. Good Luck!!!!

Answer 9

i dont think your wrong for wanting to marry him but he does have a point you should actually wait until you know that you can provide for a family because when you do get married anything can happen what if you say you dont want to have kids right away but once your married your not gonna care because your gonna think to yourself well were already married why not do it the point is you should wait until you know you can provide for a family

Answer 10

Ummm well thats really bad i mean, just shows how easily your relationship can end. Just from one dumb decision. Its pretty much forcing your boyfriend to do something he doesnt want to do now.

Dont give him limits, he will propose whenever he feels like its a good time.

-Edward