Was this mean? I feel bad.....?

Question

I invited a few of my neighbors and their kids over this afternoon - we just had coffee and the kids played. The kids were all different ages - from 2 to about 10.

There is a neighbor who everyone likes but none of the kids like her daughter - she's 9 and very whiny and bossy. My daughter (who is 6) is always polite to her, but doesn't really consider her a friend. I had her over a few times and my daughter just doesn't have anything in common with her and is bored and keeps asking when she is leaving.

Anyway, this neighbor happened to stop by with her daugher to see if we wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese with them. They saw all the people in the house. I politely said, not today, maybe another time. I feel bad that I didn't invite them in. I hate to force friendships on my daughter, but I know how I would feel if I wasn't the one invited.

Answer 1

That really is a tough question, I don't think it's you being mean, it's about asserting what you want and what you're comfortable with. As women, and men too not to exlude, we have the disease to please. We want to make everyone around us happy, it's part of the reason we are usually the ones playing hostess.
Aks yourself this question; What is more hurtful, not being invited or participating only to have your daughter ignored/snubbed by the other children?
It's unfair to force your child to play with someone they clearly don't get along with, the flip side of that is children are blunt. If there is something about you that they don't like, they will tell you. You say this girl is whiny and bossy, if the other kids don't like it then maybe they will get pushed to the point of letting that girl know why they don't want to be around her. It might be the push she needs.
It is a sticky situation no one wants to see others get their feelings hurt, but you can't please everyone all the time. You have to focus on what is fun for you. If you get along with the mother enough then invite them over, let the kids decide if they want to play with her daughter or not, don't force the situation.

Good luck, just remember that it's not your job to make sure everyone feels included, kids work out their problems in a very concrete way, take note of that, they really aren't much for making nicey nice.
(another point to ponder is that you are teaching your daughter to eventually be filling your shoes, even in regards to this prediciment, she doesn't need to be rude, but she should be honest)

Answer 2

First off, it sounds like this mom enjoys your company and truly wanted to see if you wanted to come along. You shouldn't feel bad for not inviting her in. She too has a life and understands I am sure. On the other part of your question, in your place I would feel the need to say something to her. The trick is being tactful and timing it right. I definately would not say anything when the kids were around even if they are off playing. It is amazing what kids can overhear when we think they are out of earshot. I would suggest a mom's night out for coffee or tea with her and get someone to watch the kids. I would NOT mention anything the first time we went out on our own... but the next time she is able to take you up on a walk or coffe without the kids I would say something like....My daughter seems to be having a hard time with xxxx when she is over. I know that you would want me to let you know about any issues that the kids are having a hard time working out so that we can relax when they are together. Normally I tend to let the kids work things out but when xxxx is over she seems to be having a hard time. I have noticed (and here is the trick) insert her behavior here but don't just say that she is whiny and bossy... give the mom specific examples. Then say so what can we do to help the kids get along better so that everyone is happy! Then be sure to compliment a time when her daughter played nicely. Hopefully she will pick up on all of this and have a serious chat with her daughter.

Answer 3

It would depend, I would only feel bad if I invited everyone in the neighborhood except for them. If you didn't invite everyone then no I wouldn't feel bad if I were you or her, you can't always be expected to invite everyone you know. I would never leave just one person out though.
I have friends that have kids that don't always get along great with my kids, I don't always expect them to entertain them. If they are coming over I try to find some kind of craft or something that they can do together or alone that will keep them busy while we visit.
It would depend on how close I was to her on whether or not I would mention her daughters behavior.

Answer 4

I wouldn't really expect a 6 year old and a 9 year old to be best buddies. (Though normally it would be the 9 year old not wanting to play with a baby...)

But do you really expect that for the next 12 years you will choose your friends based on whether your daughter likes their children?! The girls can learn to be polite to each other, it's a good skill to have. You probably put up with some of your husbands friends who are boring, or their wives who may have hobbies you don't enjoy. Life doesn't always stay the same, they may even come to value their acquaintance.

Answer 5

i would have extended the invitation to her. chances are she knew about this get together, but regardless, I'd of invited her to stay.

you would not of been forcing your daughter to be friends with her as there were other children there.

this would of shown your daughter it is okay to be friendly with someone she doesn't really have anything in common with and that you can be different and still have a good time.

chances are this child may have a social developement problem...by inviting them in your home would of made them both feel welcome.

children with SD are like any other child with one flaw: they are not socially accepted, however, situations and guidance and exposure all are good situations, for not only the child with SD but the parents as well (since many are stigmatized as being bad parents) with the addition of the socially matured child.

(not all kids mature as fast as others).

I would call this woman and ask her when she'd like to get together for pizza and apologize for not inviting her in.....

it's rather the polite thing to do.

Answer 6

well i know im young and everything but well my mom and step dad tried that forcing a friendship on me before well i went along with it but i hated it inside but now today me and this girl are best of friends she was the same way that little girl is bossy and all that now is is cool to hang around well on the other part i have no clue

Answer 7

You were not mean at all. She shouldn't have invited you to go anywhere with her when you had friends over. Besides, why would you have invited her in if she had plans to go to Chuck E. Cheese?

Answer 8

If I was the neighbor, I with the annoying child I would want someone to tell me. Granted, I'd be all defensive about it, but it would make me think and start observing my child. As soon as I knew you where right I'd come and apoligize for my behavior and my child's. I want people to tell me what's going on if I don't know what's up.

Answer 9

Please don't feel bad. You already plans for your daughter and there is nothing that says "everyone all the time". As long as your daughter is polite and civil, you cannot force a friendship.

Answer 10

Don't feel bad, they already had plans. You can't involve everyone all the time. Have her over sometime soon anyway, just because he daughter's unpopular the mom still needs opportunities to socialize. :)