Just trying to make sure I am doing the right thing?

Question

my daughter is getting ready to turn 8. She knows my husband is not her bio-dad and we are currently in the process of him adopting her, which she expressed the want for this as well. The problem is how she came to be. Her bio-dad raped me, but my heart can not bear to tell this beautiful girl thats how she got here. When she asks where her 1st daddy is I tell her he loved her very much, but had to go away. She asks if she will see him I tell her no he died. that part is true. She asks how, I tell her cancer, also true. Am I doing the right thing by mostly telling her the facts, but leaving out the part on how he came to be her 1st dady as she calls him?I seriously don't want her to ever feel I do not want her, a problem I have seen with other children that know they came into the world that way. I have always wanted her from the day i found out i was pregnate. Thank you in advance for your time.

Answer 1

As long as you are telling the truth for the most part. I do not believe that you should tell her that she is a product of rape at least not at this age. You could do a lot of psychological damage to your daughter.
When she is older and can comprehend that even though you were raped, it did not alter your feelings in any way about giving birth or loving her in any way.

I commend you on this and in wanting to keep and protect your child.
I am a grand mother raising a grandchild because the mother (my daughter) ended up getting pregnant in a bad relationship and situation. After the birth she decided that she did not want to raise this child. Well this baby is my flesh and blood and my grandchild and I love her. So I now have legal custody and have been raising her since almost birth. She is now 6.
I also have had to tell a few little white lies in order to keep from hurting this child but will tell her the complete truth when she is older and can better understand the situation.

So in my eyes and in my heart........you are doing a wonderful thing in wanting to protect your child until she is older.
And thank the good Lord for your husband that is going to adopt your child, and give her a complete family.
That is so very important to children.

May God bless all of you and keep you with him.

Answer 2

You are doing the right thing by leaving the bad part out of the story. You are telling her everything she needs to know and just leave it at that. I would not even bring the rape factor up, as a matter of fact, if you could, just try to forget it. She does not need to know that area of her father. I am not saying put him on a pedestal, far from it, just let her have better thoughts about her 1st dad. No harm in that. At least in my minds eye there is not.
Sounds like you and your husband are giving her all the love she needs, just keep up the good work.

Answer 3

Hi there,

That's a tricky one, I have given it thought overnight and still do not feel there is a right thing.

I think there are pros and const to both telling her and not. But in the end I think this is not really up to you, because it will be impossible for you to keep this away from her. So, it is not really like you have a choice, she will know, sooner or later, and it will be much better if she knows from you.

This is my reasoning. Knowing that one is child of a rapist must be a really hard thing for anyone. I personally know of no cases, I can only imagine. So there are good reasons for keeping the truth hidden, I think.

On the other hand, I also think it is absolutely impossible for you to keep this a secret, unless say you move to a place in the world where nobody knows the story and you also happen to be the most skillful liar in the world. But if she is a clever girl, she will end up suspecting. Even if you tell her half-truths, and no lies, you will have to leave stuff out of the picture, but then the normal movement for her will be to ask for what you are leaving out.

It seems to me that you will have to tell her. It is best that her mom tell her, rather than anybody else. It will be difficult but I think your girl is still very young and you still have plenty of time to think about how you will tell her (I would wait at least until she is 16). The most important thing will be to show her that having her was your decision only and that you love her to bits.

I imagine there are professionals out there that have experience with these cases. You might want to check with some of them before making a decision. They might be able to assist as to when, where and how to tell her.

One of my cousins was adopted by his grandparents when he was born because his mom was mentally ill and incapable to take care of him. He was not told that he was in fact the son of his mentally ill "sister" (in truth, her mom). He was told the truth by strangers when he was in his teens. Strangers who only meant to hurt him.

And yes, so far I think you are doing the right thing. She does not need to know about sex and rape yet. She is way too young to understand any of that. And the consequences of her knowing it are probably unpredictable.

I hope this is helpful. Best of luck.

Answer 4

sweetie that's a REALLY hard spot to be in and I believe your doing the right thing. It's great that you are so in tune with being gentle to your daughters feelings. The only thing I worry about is what will happen as she gets older, what if something slips and she gets word of the truth? Right now just focus on each day at a time, but prepare yourself for how you'll handle this once she becomes a teen and so on. Kudos to you, moms that care as much as you do rock.

Answer 5

She is only 8 and right now you are not lying to her and you told her what happened to her real dad . I see no reason to bring up " he raped me, then there's you " . Let her have a nice childhood and not have the stigma of knowing you were raped . When she is a little older then maybe you can share it to her . Traumatic events are not worth sharing to a child or young girl . As long as there's no harm in keeping it from her . Like you said , she knows she is adopted/will be adopted, she knows her real dad died of cancer and you said you weren't lying about that so no problem really ...... It's just a matter of you sharing something to her in the near future ........ but please , not now ....... She is too young to digest that information .
I wish you and your daughter well ..........

Answer 6

At this point, she is only 8 she does not need to know about sex and rape, it will only confuse and scare her. Wait till she is at an age where you feel she needs to know about sex. Then you can explain some of the things you know about rape in order to warn her about some of the terrible things that go on in the world sometime. Unless she feels the need to know if she was a result of this rape, I don't think it's necessary to tell her. She may never make the connection, in which case, it will never have to hurt her.

Answer 7

I think that as an almost 8 yr. old , she is to young to understand exactly what rape is. To explain it to her could cause more problems than you may want or be able to deal with. Did her bio father love her, did he even know you were pregnant? Be careful what you tell her now as you will answer for it when she is older. If you always show her love as well as her adoptive father, she should be able except your rape when she is older and can understand what sex is and how it can happen with love or out of anger, such as when rape occurs. God Bless!!

Answer 8

I think you are right on with your approach. DO NOT LIE TO HER. And when it comes time to tell her the whole truth, you SHOULD NOT USE the word rape, and don't include the part about force or whatever.

You can just disguise it by saying, "your father and I were dating and he wanted to ________. I wanted to wait a while longer, but we did it anyway, and look what a beautiful present we received". You fill in the facts, but without the anger, force, or rape stuff.

Again, DON'T LIE TO HER. Good Luck

Answer 9

I'd keep on doing just what you're doing. Maybe one day when the time is "right" and she's an adult and you both have a close relationship, then you can tell her the truth. At 8 she's way way way too young to understand rape.

Answer 10

Your story is so sweet! I think you have done the right thing, no more needs to be said about it. That would be a devastating thing for her to hear. Take that one to the grave.
You love her and that's really all that matters, it sounds like you husband loves her as well. She has what she needs now, a stable, loving home. Why change that? What she doesn't know won't hurt her.