Daughter has friend who lies consistently...what to do?

Question

My daughter is 10 and going into 5th grade. Her friend down the street is 12 and going into middle school. Her friend lies CONSTANTLY. Things like..."my parents are buying me a Hummer"..."We're buying a new mansion"...etc.

Her mother also lies (promises to meet me somewhere or to send daughter over to play, but never does). What can I do? When my daughter is with the lying friend and another girl, she gets left out. HELP!

Answer 1

You could forbid your daughter from hanging out with this kid but you would be missing out on letting her discover for herself that this girl is a fair-weather friend. "Fair-weather friends" are the ones that only want to hang out with your when there's nothing better to do. They'll drop you for the first sign of excitement or activity elsewhere. It has nothing to do with the person they are dropping either -- it's about the drama they like to have in their lives.

You can't change the other girl's behavior but your daughter can change how she responds to it. She doesn't need a friend like that--no friends are better than a friend who will ditch you for the next big thing. Have you asked your daughter if the games are worth this girl's friendship? Real friends are there for you when you need it. Your daughter is probably there for this other girl when she needs it but I doubt the gesture is ever returned.

I would encourage conversations with your daughter that focus on the aspects of friendship: honesty, kindness, etc. that are clearly not there. Ask leading questions and let your daughter come to the conclusion that this girl isn't any of those things she values.

Girls don't like it when people point out the obvious. When this happens, they tend to defend the opposite point of view, even if it's not their own opinion. So don't point it out. Let her discover it with some conversational nudges from you. Don't make statements about this girl's flaws but ask questions and have discussions that lead you to this point and let her be the one to tell you what's really going on here is that she's being used. Empathize with her, maybe relate to her comments with some of your own experiences in life (like how the mother treats you).

Answer 2

There are two separate issues here: One is that your daughter has a friend who lies, and - really - if she doesn't mind being with someone who tells whoppers, and if she knows not to believe what the lying kid says, what's the big deal? Its the liar-girl and her mother that has the problem - not your daughter.

The other issue, though, is that when your daughter is with the other two girls she gets left out. I'm guessing you wish your daughter would stay away from the liar-girl and just be with the other girl. Anyone who knows young girls knows that any time three of them are together someone gets left out. Its about as much a girl thing as, say, ballet dancing is.

There isn't much you have to do or should do. Your daughter will - if she wants to - figure out that she'd rather be with one girl or the other. She can see that she gets left out, and for now she's apparently willing to put up with that. Either there will come a time when she won't put up with it or else the older girl will go to a different school or find someone else, and the whole things will pass just as all things in childhood pass.

Other than to tell you daughter that three girls together always someone makes one kind of get left out (she's not left out enough not to be with the other girls, so its apparently some other kind of left out) and she has to either realize that two girls together or four girls together may be better than three or else decide to do something different when it comes to her friends.

You don't like the lies, and you don't like your daughter's being left out; but - really - neither of these things are a big problem or even your problem.

Answer 3

Kids really do learn what they see, don't they?

I'd ask your daughter what she thinks of this girl. Does she realise that she's full of lies or does she believe everything being fed to her? If it's the latter, I'd explain that sometimes people lie to make themselves feel better and not to believe everything she hears. But, on the whole, I'd gently try to divert your daughter into making more stable, truthful friends. She has come to an age where she needs someone she can trust and feels comfortable with, not someone who can't even tell the simple truth. And you certainly don't want your daughter picking up any bad habits. Hopefully, now they are in different schools, they will drift apart. Jump on this opportunity to help your daughter befriend other kids.

Answer 4

teach your daughter that she can't believe anything this family says and leave it at that. Let it be her decision to distant herself from this girl. Maybe when shopping she gets left out due to the fact she may not do want the others want but at 10 i wouldn't be letting my daughter shop without an adult. Encourage her friends of her own age and hopefully this friendship will drift. There is a large gap between 10 and 12 emotionally and i doubt this friend will stay around much longer

Answer 5

Let your daughter know that some parents and their children make poor chioces. Try to sit down with the child and her mother, if you can only do it with the child then do it. Talk to them tell them its setting a bad example for your daughter and if they can't be more careful with their actions you will have to put the relationship on hold untill things can be sorted out to meet both girls needs, and respect your familys rules/values. There are many more people out there that could be her friend and have the same rules and values.

Answer 6

Explain they don't have the same values as your family and that she needs to seek different friends. On the street where I grew up we had very similar people and I would get in trouble with my parents when I would use the same tactics as friends. For instance kids would say "get out of my yard" my parents would say we don't say things like that, it's not nice. So it was extremely frustrating as a child and your daughter will either imitate this girl or get very aggravated so it's better to find other friends.

Answer 7

Hello I like what Erin has to say I would also encourage her to ask over some friends from school more often this other girl is older and your daughter probably feels its cool (do they even say cool anymore?) to hang out with an older girl. 2 years is still a big deal at this age and she probably idolizes the older girl abit and the older girl probably makes her feel as if she is lucky to be hanging out with her. Like I said before have her invite another girl home from school or church. Try to do something fun with them. Maybe your little girl will realize there are more dependable people to be with

Answer 8

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it ?
the kid needs help , better yet her mom..she has problems with self esteem and what she feels that others want or expect from her ..there's probably a lot of shame in this family .for whatever the reason .this could eventually cause problems for your daughter , she needs better friends......
Confront the mom with her lack of comittment and responsibility as your friend and neighbor..tell her about her childs lying and how that is not how youe family operates...children are all prone to fantasy even lying ..try a gentle talk to her mom and go on from there ,
You know what you have to do .......

Answer 9

i be responsive to what you recommend. some little ones only look weird and wonderful, however the mother and dad look to not observe. i assume having this kinfolk bias is a robust element, on account that if the worldwide would not think of which you're attractive, a minimum of your loved ones will! i don't think of you could say something to the pal although. for sure he loves his daughter very lots, and something even extremely on the fringe of suggesting which you do not locate the daughter as relaxing as he does will rather bum him out. in spite of the shown fact that, i think of in case you end responding to him as you acquire the photographs, he will probable get the clue.

Answer 10

the daughter has obviously learnt that its ok to lie. there isn't much you can do about the girl lying, but if and when she is in your home and you catch her out lying to your daughter, pull her up straight away