To my friends: When do the tears stop? When does the pain end?

Question

As some of you know, my wife passed away recently from cancer.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AiqPEYah01Rj5MF5SRCKWbHsy6IX?qid=20060831171721AAoer9B

I try to throw myself back into life. I try to help those I can. I reach out to family and friends... ...but all I need do is think of her and the tears flow, the pain wells up, doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing.

Everyone says time heals all wounds, but my father died forty years ago and the wound never healed.

How do I let go of my best friend and lover after so many years of happiness and bliss? How do I keep her in my heart when it brings so much pain? How can I give my heart to another, when so much of my heart is wrapped around her? How do I resolve all that was unsaid and unresolved?

I don't want to hear about Jesus and heaven. She wasn't christian, and Revelations 21:8 makes clear the fate of those who do not believe in Christ (and yes, I -do- know her beliefs, intimately).

How can I heal?

Answer 1

What you can do is express all that was unsaid and unresolved with your wife to someone else--a third party (who may or may not know you well, but someone trustworthy, obviously) who has experience with grieving someone and healing.

Expressing something--whether the person you most want to express it to hears or not--puts it out in the world, i.e., releases it from inside you. Sometimes with this release comes the feeling that the person you wanted to say it to actually did hear it. Whether or not this feeling has basis in reality, I cannot answer with certainty.

But this process of sharing with another person invites healing, whether it be because someone else is permitted deeper access to your inner life, thereby sharing your experiences, thoughts, and feelings, or because what you're carrying is set free on the winds, so to speak, I can't say for sure. All I can say for sure is that this *does* something.

You can find closure with another even if that other is no longer living, is what I am saying.

And, you let go over time. It won't happen overnight. Part of you will probably still hold on--although the holding will become sweeter and less painful.

You keep her in your heart by keeping her in your heart and feeling the pain when it comes. The only way through pain is through it. Not around, not over, but through. What you can do is accept the pain, not fight it. Acceptance is an answer. Fighting pain only prolongs it, and it postpones healing. It will stick around until you deal with it properly. (By "you" I am referring to anybody.) And you will come to see that in acceptance is liberation. You still feel the pain, but because there's no other element to contend with--fending it off, e.g., or judging it as bad--it is just pure and simple. Littler heavy value is attached to it. You just come to say, "Oh. This is pain. Hello." It is a privilege while alive to be able to feel. Try to focus on being grateful that you are able.

As for giving your heart to another, you don't have to worry about that today. All in good time.

Answer 2

I'm so, so sorry about the loss of your wife. My dad died nineteen years ago, and you are right; the wound never heals, but the pain is not as sharp as it was then. The passage of time is one of the things that will help, but that doesn't do you any good right now.

If possible, get together with people who knew her and are grieving too. For me, when I lost my dad, it helped to talk with my mother, my step-step mother and my sister.

Professional counseling, support groups and anti-depressants can also be useful.

I wish you all the best, and hope that you find the peace that you deserve.

For now, don't worry about giving your heart to another. When you are ready, that will all fall into place naturally.

Jeesh, people, are you just plain clueless? Did you not pay attention when the man said he didn't want to hear about Jesus?

Answer 3

I'm very sorry about the loss of your wife.

It seems that you're on the right track though- you reach out to friends and family. Those closest to you are probably those who can help you the most. Give yourself plenty of time to mourn. If you feel like crying, then cry. Better to let it out then to keep your emotions bottled in. All of us will have to deal with the pain of the death of loved ones sooner or later and we'll all have to heal at our own pace. Deal with your emotions rather than just getting into some distracting ritual. Memorialize her in some way - create a scrapbook or photo album, write poems, etc - and that way you'll have a physical object of some sort as a reminder of happy moments you had with her and as an expression of your bond.

Also, what exactly are you most sad about? Are you afraid you'll never reunite with her? Are you upset most about unresolved problems you had with her? Are you afraid you can't be happy without her? Try confronting what's at the core of your sadness. I'm not at all suggesting that you ruminate on your sadness. I do think that at some point you have to "get on" with your life. Just give yourself time, and sooner or later, hopefully you'll realize that you're not as sad anymore and that you can lead a happy life.

I hope that helps.

Answer 4

Do you know what you mean by "heal?"
People love to through out cliches but time doesn't "heal." Your emotions are not like a little cut in your skin. There are no physiological clotting processes and skin renewal.
Your emotional scar is not a physical scar.

Time alone does little. Sorry you don't want to hear this but I'm not here to tickle your desires;
Time + God will bring you hope.

You sound like someone who actually enjoys or at least is proud of your wounds. It is difficult for people to let go of pain because like everything else, they actually become comfortable with living a painful life.

So, let go of the pain but never let go of the memory of your wife or your father. Think of all the joy they brought to you when they lived and be thankful for the time you had with them.

Answer 5

I am sorry for your losses. I still miss my mother. I would like to suggest as some others have prior, that doing good things for others will help you feel better. It will not take your memories of her away. It is normal to grieve for a few months and then it is time to begin the rest of your life. You will never forget her and the times you spent with her. I know when I am feeling down, I do something like volunteering, or helping someone in some small way, it diverts my pain and turns it into hope that I can ease others pain and mine doesn't seem so great anymore. I still have those days where it seems to consume me, but those days do not happen as much. Here is a big hug for you................

Answer 6

Get out a little more for now and be with people. Try serving somewhere. Habitat for humanity or a shelter, or do taxes for the elderly or meals on wheels. Get out and play bingo or play cards learn something new, Euchre or Bridge or take a class at the local Comminity College. The pain will never go away completely but you need more of a purpose to life and to reconnect with the human race.

Answer 7

I'm so sorry. I know that doesn't mean much coming from a stranger, but it's true.

Time. Time. You need to give yourself time. The wound may not heal, but in time it will hurt less and less. You may always miss her and never forget her, but in time the pain becomes less and less.

You have to forgive yourself, and most of all, please seek grief counseling. It will help you, I promise. It's too much to bear alone and the support of others going through the same thing is invaluable. Please do this for yourself.

Good luck, and I'll light a candle for you and her on my altar.

Answer 8

I am so sorry for your loss, I know it must be difficult. All of us mourn in different ways, there is no right or wrong way, nor is there a time limit. Some people move the loved one out of the house, they can't stand to see evidence that they existed, it is too painful. Others keep everything just as it was, a sort of shrine.
It sounds trite, and overused, and you said as much, but, it is the plain truth. Time, and time alone, heals. Sometimes that might take years and years, sometimes not. Someday, you will notice that you have moved, (or they have moved by themselves), your memories to a good place, that of fond, happy memories, you will find that you have let go of the unresolved issues, they have no meaning for you anymore. You find you do not have to visit the grave quite so often, you will smile instead of cry when something pops up unexpectedly, and reminds you of her.
How you deal with it is up to you. Sometimes it means trying not to cry, deliberately trying to smile through the tears, sometimes it means consciously, deliberately, letting go. Sometimes it means not putting the car in gear to go to the cemetery. Sometimes it means bitting the bullet, and not crying in front of family and friends, knowing that to cry causes them pain and worry. Sometimes it means saying to yourself, that bad thing happened xx years ago, I was 12. Now I am xx. It can never be resolved, I need to let go of the pain, and move on.
You mention that she was not a Christian, and I gather you are, since you quoted revelations. I look at it this was: we are human, and can not possibly understand all of His workd and ideas, the Bible, and the men who wrote it are interpreters, perhaps He does not wish us to know everything He knows.. There may be a place for all of us, that onle He knows about. That way of thinking is also called faith.
Why are you still mourning your Dad? Were there some unresolved issues there, too? Here is a question I asked myself, maybe it will help you. My Mom has been gone since 1994, Dad since 2000, leaving this only child alone in life.. What would each of them want me to do? How did they mourn their losses? Here is the answer I got. Dad would want me to go on with my daily life, and stop and remember at times like Pearl Harbour anniversary, or when Saipan( the island he served on) is mentioned. Mom told me point blank she would come back and get me if I did not keep flowers on the grave and visit often, and remember her. And so, I do. Exactly those things. It gives me peace, knowing I am doing the right thing for them, and me, and my memories. I am still trying to let go of the bad memories, I have noticed they are a little cloudier these days.
Someone who had lost someone they were really devoted to once said that she kept a place in herself for the person she had lost, nothing else was allowed there. Then she had the rest of herself to give to the here and now, those that are living and loved now. I liked that.
So, maybe it is time to resolve the issues about your Dad, and forgive him, or yourself, which ever is the problem and this might help you move on to helping yourself with this loss.
Please do not be offended by anything I say, I mean no disrespect to your life and memories, these are my experiences, and how I dealt with them. Only providing some knowledge and experience, in this annonimous cyber world.
Again, my condolences on your loss, and PS, some people like to put distance between themselves and other people who mourn, too, saying things like "they so not understand my pain." Yes, they do, they just might not know how to deal with you and your way of mouning, or how to say it. Don't. It drives a wedge between you and them that may never be removed. Let them mourn in their own way, and time, and you do it your way and time..Neither way is wrong.

Answer 9

Hey Bob, I would really like to talk to you further about this,,,,,but I have to leave town soon, I have been down that road and I want to *honestly* share what it was like for me without "throwing scripture" in your face.....let me know how we can get in contact and I will be back sometime Monday late. In the meantime, I will continue to pray for you.

Answer 10

My deepest condolences. Obviously your love was true and always will be.

This may sound stupid, but actually you're on the right track. Healing never happens without some pain. You need to grieve, and rage, and weep, before you can remember and smile.

Please, never think that you're alone.